Reset

The one true silver lining of this madness is the reconnecting with so many people in my life. I just got off the phone with my first everything. He went through a rough af breakup in the summer of 2018 and we ended up spending a decent amount of time together the second half of that year and a lot of 2019 and he is finally in a relationship again and it,  from the convo we just had, seems to be a good and healthy one and I love how happy knowing that makes me. The way my first love ended was dramatic and hurtful and extremely painful for me. There was a time I thought he and I would never speak again. However the summer I got married we found our way back to friendship and honestly he might now be one of my oldest friends that I feel legit close to. I've spoken with old high school people, college, grad school, former colleagues, and even Gray, the man's best friend. An article of his was recently published and I had the chance to read it after it popped up in my LinkedIn feed. It was so nice to chat with him, I've missed it more than I realized. I can't decide if it's hypocritical of me to be slightly bummed the man hasn't reached out even though I've said nothing to him either. It just definitely feels like I can't, that it would be wrong of me to do so. It continues to be hard to love someone this much from so far away. The song "Oceans" by Seafret always makes me think about this feeling...

More silence from the man  aside, there have been about five former flames that have reached out, and even that has been really nice, cuz even though some of these people are no longer actively in my life it's not like I've stopped caring about them and wishing them well and it's reassuring to know they feel the same for me. Only one of them started down the conversation of "what could have been" and I found myself wondering do I still consider myself single at the moment and I struggled to answer that. When the more than a friend and I first met years ago there was a short time frame where I had hoped it would become more and I remember journaling about him then. Back then I dubbed him Shiloh and I guess perhaps that nickname is still apt. I really don't have a good read on the situation but he literally just in this moment messaged me. I definitely have pulled back a bit this week cuz I'm trying hard not to get ahead of myself, but I'm excited to see him tomorrow.  At the end of the day I'm looking for someone to grow old with, someone that during a time like this I'm gonna be so fucking grateful they are who I am stuck with as my primary human connection. I like how easy things feel with Shiloh and I know part of that is because we've been friends for as long as we have been and he knows all about the things I'm sure I tend to initially shy away from sharing...I still miss the man more than I would like, and he still misses his girlfriend and we're both aware of these things and perhaps that's part of why there isn't a lot of stress to it. Neither of us has expectations on the other and I think that's a good thing.

I'm pumped the sun is out today and I think I'm going to go for a run, I haven't seen a human I know in person since Sunday morning and I think it's making me stir crazy. It's not often you know you're living through a historical moment, but we certainly are and I just hope I do my best to use it as the opportunity to reset that it truly is.