The Beginning

I've got those anxious/excited butterflies and they're going to be with me all day, I can just tell. I've had three in person dates with the man I matched with on OkC, all outside and we both got COVID testing so he's coming to my place tonight and I'm super pumped. I've been really stressed out this week, having my twin here all last week was nice, but also a lot. Been worrying about him since I dropped him back off and just found out from my sister that since the landlords aren't taking anything serious, the rest of the roommates decided not to renew the lease and he needs to move out by the end of the month. He hasn't told me this yet and wasn't responsive this week which is probably part of the reason why I've been more worried. This is how he gets though, something stressful that is outside of his control happens, and he shuts down completely. I know he doesn't want to move in with our folks, but I think it's his only option right now and I don't think it'll be bad for him, especially while he figures out what's next for him. It's wild how different our lives are...

I can't help but recognize that today marks six years from the day I left my sailor. That means things have officially been over for as long as they lasted. This day two years ago I also got the tattoo for the man on my rib cage. I've actually not shared a photo of it on my social media, I think it felt too personal to do so which is an odd thing for me to feel when there is a big part of me that prides myself on being open.

I remember when I shared with my mom what it said, and by this point it was my 9th tattoo which I kinda love since 9 is the end of a cycle. She was upset, said that she thought she had failed me, that something must be wrong that I'm marring my body. I told her that I wasn't marring my body, that they're my story, that they're beautiful and I'm proud of them, that they're an outward way to show the things I've overcome, the things I've accomplished and the things that make me, me.  The poem is by Beau Taplin and it is titled the Awful Truth. It had been six months since the last time we had kissed and 4 years since I restarted my life and it felt like the perfect day to get this quote that meant so much to me. The act of getting it has always reminded me of a quote by another writer that I love, Emina Gaspar-Vrana, that says:

"I kept your name,

it is engraved on my chest forever -

to make every heartbeat remind me of

the love I am capable of giving

and the loss I am capable of surviving."

I didn't know there would be one last round with the man ahead of me, but it was one that was needed, it was the one that shattered the idea of him I had idolized and it gave me the chance to step away of my own accord even though giving up on our someday was the last thing I wanted to do. I think I will always have days when the sadness I feel about how things played out will overcome all the things I have to be grateful for and that's ok. While I've logically always known those days weren't indicative of my overall healing, I think I truly believe it now and instead choose to view those days as the proof of how deeply I loved, even though these days I know I never really knew him, I was never given the chance to. 

I knew Shiloh at a much deeper level and even that had barely gone deeper than the surface, and of course in my life, the Saturday I picked up my brother he reached out to tell me he wanted to try. I could barely process it to be honest and I really tried to separate myself from the budding feelings I was having for this new guy, to really evaluate if that wasn't going on, what would I want. I should have wanted to see him while I was home over the 4th of July to bring my twin back, but I didn't, I wanted to avoid and eventually we ended up chatting via instagram even though I really do think he deserved an in-person conversation. I genuinely didn't feel confident that he wanted to be with me for me...too many times he didn't want to try across our history together, so why now? How much is due to knowing we're in a pandemic and it'll be a while before he'll feel comfortable meeting new people? Frankly he also should be just focusing on getting himself and his life to a place where he's happy with it, and I said as much. But also I knew that part of why I had wanted to try was because it was easy. It felt easy to be with someone who knew me, and all my shit and I didn't have to hide anything. But I don't have to hide anything with this new guy either and for the first time in the longest time everything feels mutual in an equal measure.

I want to be all in on trying again, no matter how long it lasts, I just want to try. I am so hopeful for the future of it, but right now it's fun, and I need and deserve fun. If he ends up being everything that I've been holding out for I'm going to find it hilarious that his name literally means "Peace". My life has been chaos since my childhood and I've really tried to work on making better decision the last few years to avoid drama, and that sure as shit is still a work in progress, but I'm ready for some peace in my life. I have associated this day with endings for many years now and I hope now it becomes the memory of a beginning.