Welp I must have fucking jinxed myself cuz honestly only a few days after that last post I had a ridiculously long Thursday where I accidentally locked myself out after trying to get a better signal on a work call and then being worried about Lady getting out and then quickly closing the front door with nothing in hand aside from my work cell and my notebook...which means I didn't even have my sister's number and my mom's is the only one I know by heart these days lol. After being locked out for four hours and utilizing instagram dms and my work phone thankfully lasting long enough before dying, my sister's best friend that lives pretty close to me grabbed me and we went to my sister's to help her pack and I could grab my spare keys. I finally get home a little after ten and I have video messages in facebook messenger from "my peace" *largest fucking eyeroll humanly possible* telling me that he has nothing to give and that while I think he's right for me, I'm not right for him right now because he's not even right with himself. I've gotta be some kind of a fucking magnet for men who are just not emotionally available...and clearly so over eager to have a person in my life I'm not picking up on the signs that have to fucking be there that it's not actually mutual. I've felt pretty fucking deflated the last week and a half.
We talked more this past Monday night on the phone for a few hours and he apologized profusely for not waiting to tell me all that in person and that he just had to acknowledge that he clearly has some PTSD from his last relationship and needs to get into therapy. We agreed to get lunch together the next day and I felt so much better as soon as I saw him and we hugged for a very long time. Lunch was nice, the banter was still there, he even kissed me... I didn't want things to be over, I was excited to actually fucking try again, and said that I'm happy to go as slow as he needs to, but things feel weird. I just don't understand how things changed so quickly. I felt so blindsided and it certainly fucking triggered me back to when the man would do this to me, I would get that feeling in the pit of my stomach something was wrong and then wham out of nowhere he'd quit on me again and push me away entirely. I feel so much like I did with the man in general now, especially when I really didn't know where I stood, and what I meant to him, and if he wanted to see me and should I reach out? Just so much fucking over thinking. I hate this. I hate the way it makes me feel about myself. I just want to be enough. I want someone to want to try as much as I do...it feels like I am even more sad right now than I have been because I got a glimpse again of what it's like to have someone. Right now we said that we would focus on ourselves until I take my PE in mid September and he gets into regular therapy but things aren't over. Honestly though I can't tell if there's anything worth salvaging...
I'm struggling to determine how much of what I'm feeling right now is directly related to the current circumstances and how much is just all the years of being in a fucked up limbo like this with the man and how much it hurt and it's being triggered hard core. The man came back and left again so many times that when I didn't hear from him for a few days or so, or it was just super stunted conversations, it was SO fucking hard not to jump to the worst conclusions, it made me a crazy and dramatic person. I know my reactions to all that made things more difficult than they needed to be, but I can't be that hard on myself because he never gave me the reassurance that it was safe. If things are going to make it any longer with... ugh I can't even call him my peace right now...actor feels more fucking accurate cuz I honestly don't even know how much of any of it was real...I definitely need some extra reassurances. Cuz that last sentence shows where I'm at, I don't trust any of it anymore and it sucks because I want to. I want to believe that just like I've experienced across the years, as I've started to let someone new in, issues from my marriage have often been triggered and it's a process to be aware, and to not project on to someone new. I told him that I am in full support of therapy and that it will really help him, but that there are some things that can't be fully healed from unhealthy relationships until you're in a healthy one and that he doesn't have to go through this alone. At the same time though, I remember how I felt after the man ended things on his birthday in 2018 where the core of the conversation was that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he didn't have the capacity for it. We talked about pretending things were still long distance, to relieve the pressure but I quickly understood you can't force someone to be ready. So I said we could be friends, but he became cold and talking felt so forced, and eventually he just stopped responding. That's basically how things went in March of 2019 as well when I asked for space and again said we can try friendship... it honestly still blows my mind that someone I had such a deep connection with and had so many intense memories with across 5 years was cool to just ghost me in the end, never an actual goodbye. That's my biggest why from all that, why didn't I deserve a goodbye? Or an acknowledgement of what we were or that I mattered to him?
So clearly I triggered the actor, and this dynamic right now is triggering me, so is there hope? Is there a point to interacting right now when it doesn't feel easy anymore? It feels measured and calculated. I'm finding myself sending way more illicit photos, using my sexual energy to try and draw him back in and I don't think that's a good sign. It's making me feel a tad desperate and fuck that. I haven't heard from him all day today even though I know he has off. I texted him a cheeky photo this morning wishing him a good day and nothing. I'm trying to just tell myself he told me he was taking the day for himself, but I have that same sinking feeling that things are off...I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I want to believe that we truly did click the way I felt we had and that this is just a part of the process of letting someone in after you've been deeply hurt. I stalked through his facebook a tad last week and he has a whole album dedicated to this girl. He really fucking loved her, and it feels clear he had hoped she was his forever. You would think all the hurt my heart has felt I would have learned to not jump all the way in so fucking quickly but I just don't seem to work that way. The awkward yeti comics about the brain and the heart always make me think about the man and myself. I am so very much that fucking heart and the brain always reminded me of him. I've been thinking about him more, not only because things with the actor have been triggering, but it's that time of year where I can never seem to escape the memories of how we started. I wonder if he still thinks about me at all...
What I hate the most about right now is that being sad about this shit has also impacted my capacity to be a decent employee... I've been crying a lot and needing to escape into other worlds and thusly binging through a lot of shows. I fucking hate that though, because work is one of those aspects of my life where I like my job, and not doing well at it is all on me and I've been distracted enough the last two years because of shit with my twin. But the fact that our society likes to pretend that your work life and home life are these two distinct things is bullshit. We are all human and our lives are just our lives and work is a big chunk of it, but your emotional life, that doesn't just have a switch, especially if you're someone like me who feels a lot and deeply. Yet all I keep hearing is the man telling me I'm the least disciplined person he's ever met and I make him sick. He said that after I had owned up to telling a co-worker of ours about our history and he was majorly pissed at me... but even though I've been trying to work on being more disciplined I still feel like a piece of shit right now. It's seriously been making me wonder if I love my job as much as I believe I do...if I did, wouldn't it be easier to stay motivated to do it even though I'm sad?
I truly love living alone, but it's a lot more isolating in the time of COVID and now that I don't have the actor making plans and breaking up that isolation, my sister is really the only option but I'm trying to give her space as she gets acclimated to living with her bf. I'm not doing particularly great right now and perhaps it's time I find a new therapist... maybe something remote so that the next time I move (cuz who the fuck knows when it comes to my life) I won't have to start over again. Blah is how I feel and just jealous of me from the last entry. She was legit happy, and it really was nice to experience that after so long of just dreaming about it.
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