Cataclysmic

For a short time, this day was my wedding anniversary, now it is lovingly dubbed Liz Independence Day thanks to my sister. Typically she and I will make a weekend out of it, but it's a Monday this year and I have a board meeting tonight... I'd say I celebrated my independence by taking myself out on a date this Saturday. Was up relatively early for a weekend, I've been doing that lately, going to bed closer to my weekday bedtime has been a good move. Headed down to Canton and checked out the waterfront park and read for a bit, then got myself some ice cream from Coldstone for the first time in forever, hit up the grocery store so I could make some homemade pesto and made myself a little pizza and watched the latest episode of The Boys. That show is super enjoyable, so gloriously graphic and irreverent. 

After being there for a bit looking around I looked up and realized I was reading in front of Pier 16, one of my favorite numbers, and it just felt like a little nod from the universe that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was genuinely such a nice day in the sun and exciting to wear my jean jacket for the first time in a while.

I got some new sunglasses. I had attempted for them to be my first ever prescription sunglasses but Lenscrafters called to inform me that I'm so fucking blind that the lens were too fat to fit in these Ray Bans. I liked them too much not to still buy them, but their computer system was down and the lady felt bad for me and said she was going to work some magic and said I didn't have to pay for them! I'm pretty she sure made a mistake with that because I picked out other frames for the prescription sunglasses but as of now I got killer shades for free. 

Almost finished reading Ibram X. Kendi's book about how to be an Antiracist that I've been in a book club with some board members. It's been eye opening for sure and I'm really glad we were all willing to read it with such intentionality and discuss its impact and our lived experiences with each other.

Ya'll oreo cookies mashed in their creamy mint is *chef's kiss*

The first flowers I bought in MD stayed in my office, these I bought on impulse at the grocery store because it was all my favorite fall colors!

Homemade pesto with onions, peppers, and mushrooms.

The lighting in my bathroom made the purple REALLY stand out. I'm thoroughly enjoying it, but I definitely have a bit of a mullet going on. I can't wait to shave off the one side and the underneath.

Lady says cheers!

I'm genuinely really happy with my life, but it's definitely wild to acknowledge that had I chosen to stay, I would be celebrating 8 years of marriage and most definitely would be a mother by now. When there's so much of me that genuinely wants to have a life partner and to be a mom, I thought I'd be more bummed today but I'm not at all, it's just another day. I got back on that dating horse and reactivated my profiles and the first week there was a lot of matches, a handful of people I've chatted with, had three dates set up and everyone bailed for one reason or another. I'm not putting a whole lot of effort into it, there's one person that seems promising but I'm really trying to be conscious this time about not allowing myself to get attached to the potential I see versus staying grounded in the reality of the current circumstances. 

Apricot called me Saturday and we talked for an hour while I was putting groceries away and then making myself dinner. It was really nice to catch up, we have had these catch up chats like every 6 months or so since I left Pittsburgh. I'm really happy that we're in that similar place I've reached with my first love, where it's known that we're rooting for each other's happiness and that contact is welcomed and will be warmly received. It's been a very long time since I've felt loved and appreciated in a romantic context so his kind words about my positive impact on his life and the lessons he learned was genuinely very uplifting to hear. He was telling me about the woman he had been seeing for much of the last year and how similar some of their trajectory was to ours, again he has found himself involved with someone who isn't actually emotionally available, but it seems there's a higher chance that they could eventually make something work.

It prompted me to acknowledge that I too seem to have this tendency to attract people who can't actually choose me back and that in these situations we tell ourselves if I love them enough, if I'm patient enough, understanding enough, they will see this and be grateful and love me back. However the fatal flaw with that line of thought is believing that love has to be earned, when in reality love is deserved in all of our variations and if you're in something where it feels like you have to earn their love, you gotta nope the fuck out. After I said it to him, I knew I was saying something that I also needed to hear and be reminded of... it was definitely a very therapeutic conversation, especially to hear a voice so familiar and that I associate with being cared for. 

This past week was not great for Buddah though, and I honestly am not sure about the future of her current relationship and I realized I could not really offer unbiased advice, the situation is too much like my marriage. I ended up telling her to reach out to the man, that he'd be able to give the perspective of deciding to stay and work through things when they're really bad. She acknowledged that she hadn't even thought of that but agreed it was probably worth doing. I'm so curious though now to know what his advice would be, I think perhaps there are still parts of me looking for confirmation he's truly happy and hasn't just settled. Hard to know the truth, so  I'm just trying to focus more on the fact that his life is none of my business and no matter the past and all our history, now is all that counts, and right now, we're strangers. 

I still have the desire to know him though and I'm really not sure if that feeling will ever really go away, but as it stands now, there is no longer a part of me that wants to reach out. There's nothing left to say at this point, honestly a weird fucking feeling for me, but it's true. The only thing I can do now is to love from afar and respect that he has chosen a life without me. I have to stop reinforcing my internal narrative that he is the love of my life, and acknowledge he was a cataclysmic love that changed me to my core and opened my eyes to what unconditional love really means. I have been so afraid that I was doomed to feel a little bit empty for the rest of my days because no one else would ever be him completely ignoring the fact that I am still me. I acknowledged it once before, that this loving heart of mine that knows how to love that deeply still knows how to do that, but I think so much of me was still convinced I would never feel as understood as I always did by him. A phrase that I've used before is to feel understood is to not feel so alone and in repairing my relationship with my twin, and focusing on the relationship I have with myself, I don't feel the same kind of loneliness I once did. I have a sense that a partner is still a while off for me and while I absolutely miss companionship, I think being too eager for it is what led to the recent heartbreak from this summer and being triggered back to all the times I lost the man. 

I'm officially open to the idea of meeting someone, but finally it no longer feels like my primary focus and that feels like a really great fucking headspace to be in.