Life will never cease to amaze me with how quickly things can change, and how much can happen in just under a month. I'm really grateful I listened to my gut and moved forward with the Life Coach I've been working with because her methods are more activity based and I think really helped me get out of the rut I had been in. She's big on positive affirmations and improving your self talk, but also tangible activities to help further ground what you're working on. She assigned me this burn letter activity in early October where I was supposed to write out points of what was holding me back and keeping me from growing and moving forward, and then I had to burn it. I've been well aware for a long time the biggest thing that has been blocking me from being present was my persistence in staying tethered to the past by holding on so fucking tightly to all the memories. Allowing myself to have these obsessive spurts of checking all social media, re-reading emails, scanning through our chat history and maintaining a photo album of pictures of him was providing easy access to low dose hits of my favorite drug. Almost immediately after she assigned the task, I knew I had to finally delete everything. I wasn't really ready for it, I definitely struggled with the idea of it, and I definitely had an attachment to all of it, as if it was my only proof that any of it happened and had ever been real. I cried a lot that week any time I tried to psyche myself up to do it and I listened to my Someday spotify playlist on repeat all week long.
But during this same week I finally had a video date with the one guy that felt promising and we ended up chatting for 5 hours and scheduled an in person socially distant date for that Friday. Our Friday date ended up lasting 24 hours. It was a rollercoaster of a day and I honestly still can't get over how quickly we've fallen into the level of comfort we have with each other, there is a familiarity to it, and we both feel it. Part of me is tempted to write all about it, while it's still relatively fresh, but it's a day I'm not sure I'm ever going to forget. It's the first time since my divorce where something romantic is just easy. Every other interaction I've had over the last six years either I was still too fucked up from my marriage or things with the man, or the guy I was seeing wasn't actually emotionally available, like both parties were never fully present. While I'm obviously still processing my own trauma, I for once am no longer in that space of still longing for the man. I still miss him, and still love him, and I think finally accepted I always will, but I just am no longer stuck in that limiting belief that knowing that, means I'm doomed to feel empty for the rest of my days. The Monday morning after the date and the day of my next session where I should have done this letter burning activity I decided I still wanted to do that, but wanted to give it the full attention it deserved and would do so on the 16th with the new moon. However being the competitive person I am and needing to feel like I made some progress since the previous one, I found the push I needed to delete it all. Six years worth of emails, chats, texts, and photos and I deleted all of it. It was kind of astounding how much there actually was to delete, reminded me that while we never reached the place of having a full blown relationship, it really was something deep. I had already blocked him on social media a few weeks prior after a session because I knew seeing anything about his now wasn't helping me to stop wondering if he's actually happy, and I have to truly accept his life is none of my business. I also decided to take down the blog that was purely dedicated to all the things I wished I could say to him. I feel so much lighter, I really do, and have realized so much of the pain I was in was out of habit. I had these habits of re-opening my fucking wound, but now even if I wanted to, I really can't to the same degree.
During the session later that night, I ended spending a chunk of time gushing about this new guy but also saying how much I wanted to make sure I was staying grounded in reality, that I knew I had the tendency to get attached to the potential I see and get ahead of myself. My next activity was to list out all the things I really wanted in a man and it made me think about my list I made when I first got out of my marriage and shared with the man. But it also made me think about this night now almost two years ago where I had recently read something about how you have to be as specific with your intentions as possible to truly attract them and it happened to be a full moon when I was walking home from grabbing some wine and just started listing out all my favorite parts of all the men I've really loved. I want the friendship and chemistry I had with the man, I want the devotion I had with my Sailor, I want the always laughing easy going-ness of how things were with my First everything, I want the thoughtfulness and kindness that Density has always shown me, I want someone to call me out on my bullshit like Burdman does, I just want someone to share my life with and see this world with.
Right now the way things have been with this new guy, I really think he could be all that and I'm excited to find out. Last weekend he was totally on-board to go pumpkin picking with me and my sister and her bf. If I had any friends in the area, I probably would have asked to do that with them, but she's all I have and he was comfortable with it. It was such a fun day and he really got along with my sister's bf which was incredible to see and honestly was a wild experience in general because I've never done that with my sister, she was young when I was married and wasn't focused on a relationship at the time. We ended up having dinner together and watching the Evil Dead which is SO bad it's great. We finally headed out and I thought I was taking him home and he was like I wouldn't mind another night together to which I replied well I really need to shower and clean up this kitchen if I'm going to be able to relax and without missing a beat he said "Alright well get in the shower and I'll clean the dishes." I didn't even take a long shower and when I got out he was sitting on the ottoman playing with Lady and the kitchen was clean. Multiple times now he has said how lucky he feels to have found me and tells me I'm perfect. Our conversations flow very easily and we have similar senses of humor but I definitely still don't know him, and am doing my best to acknowledge that while I'm really enjoying my time with him, and how kind and considerate he his overall but also in the bedroom, I haven't seen him interact with anyone in his life yet and my marriage really showed me how eye opening that can be in understanding who a person really is and what they care about. No matter what happens and how long this lasts, it feels like my pleas of no longer wanting to do everything alone have been answered and I will eagerly cherish however many memories I get to make with this person. We actually both went to school in Burlington and his name is the same as the professor that I made out with while engaged and should have been my fucking stop sign in getting married... There's something about it that feels full circle and we've already talked about how we'd like to take a visit to see Lake Champlain so I think for now I really like the idea of his nickname being Champlain.
I've been home in PA for a few days for a dentist appointment, to vote, see some friends and some work stuff tomorrow. I knew this visit was coming when I had my last session and my current task is to journal about how being home makes me feel now, because during an early session I was here and was anxious af and found myself searching for the man. Coach wanted me to make note of the differences now that I'm so clearly in a different headspace. I'm definitely not anxious the same way, when I'm near where he lives I'm definitely still hyper vigilant and there's definitely parts of me still wondering if I'll bump into him, but that longing to see him is just not there the way it was. I think my ego would still like confirmation that I have not been forgotten, but the need for that validation just kinda feels like a whisper now. There's definitely still a lot of memory triggers being home, but my reaction to the memories is not such a visceral one anymore.
I'm really just pumped to see what this next month will bring and REALLY fucking hope the Cheeto is no longer such a prominent part of the fucking news cycle. If they actually manage to do anything with campaign refinance they better have a fucking clause that you can only campaign for 6 months prior to the election, I'm so fucking fatigued with all these political ads. I hope we finally see the change in this country that is deserved.
