Foolish... that's the lasting feeling I have about things with the man. I reached a place of anger about the whole thing a little while ago because I've been thinking of him more lately and dreaming of him and it's been pissing me off because I don't understand it. I think I hoped by now thoughts of him would have faded much more than they have...
I was home recently and got to hang out with Burdman which was awesome. It was so good to see him and to catch up. I'm not so certain about the long-term future with his lady, but I'm still so fucking proud that he's really trying again. I got to facetime her with him during the visit, and she seems nice enough, has a pretty face, and is close with her family. All good things, but that doesn't mean she's a good partner for my friend and that's what he's trying to figure out. She doesn't seem to be as considerate as he is, but I can't help but wonder how much of that is due to the fact that she has a lot more people to constantly be considerate about being a mother. So is it a character flaw or needing to relearn to think of another person after not experiencing true partnership for a long time. Only time will tell if their points of friction right now are just the growing pains of two independent adults trying to integrate their very different lives and responsibilities, or are they issues that will slowly grow resentment and eventually tear them apart.
Overall though it was a much needed night of normalcy, and it felt great to be able to talk about the man and not be sad at all, just kinda over the whole thing. I didn't share that he's been in my thoughts more recently, it's just a nuisance at this point. But while I was home I drove by my old place and vividly remembered how when things ended the last time how much I had hoped to come home to his car in the parking lot waiting for me, to want to talk to me, to just actually have a conversation about actually being over and letting go, to perhaps say I'm still messed up in my own life and have so much I need to take care of, and I can't keep dragging you along, but I love you and our connection is real and matters to me. I think having that would have let me find peace much sooner, instead all of this time I've spent feeling so crazy for believing anything he ever said and like I never knew him at all. None of it sits right, and it may never, but I've definitely come a long way in accepting it for what it is now.
For such a long time I let myself believe we were inevitable, and saw signs everywhere, and sometimes I still see them and just mutter to myself how foolish I am. This past weekend I got my first haircut since before the pandemic, and I decided to finally shave off the left side and got a lotus straight razored in. I fucking love it and am pumped about my new stylist. However, as soon as I stepped inside the shop they were playing Wicked Game, the very first song the man shared with me, and one that has followed me over the years, but it's been a while since I've heard it randomly. I sat down on the couch after checking in, not believing it was playing and trying to ignore it, and decided to pick up a massive book on the coffee table titled something like the book of birthdays. I just opened it up, not paying attention, and opened it to the very page of his birthday. Moments like that it's hard to believe it's just coincidence and not some warning that he's getting ready to pop back into my life. The initial reaction to the idea of that is anxiety, because good lord I think I've suffered enough and the end result has only ever been pain. Then after that feeling subsides, most of me wishes we weren't strangers, and that I could have my friend back. And then a REALLY tiny piece of me begins to wonder, was my hopelessly romantic self right, are we inevitable? I quickly then tell myself to lock it up and get my shit together and think about anything else.
Density came to visit for his birthday and it was so much fun. Again, so nice to experience some normalcy and super awesome to have a buddy to play tourist with and explore. We checked out the AVAM which I'm in love with and bought an annual membership. They currently have an exhibit all about the science of sleep with bedrooms created by artists. One of the panels said that our dreams can often manifest our greatest fears and finally that recurring dream I've had for years about being in the man's house and watching their life just clicked. The idea of a life with him is the closest I've got to finding what I want and I think this dream is my fear that I'm forever doomed to just be on the outside of what I want -- a family and a home. But Champlain came over during the week last week and we laid down to cuddle after lunch and Lady joined us, and she was on my chest and his arms were around me and I was like "My little family, I'm so happy". And I meant it. I think I love him and I wish we had a future, but I'm so grateful to have him for now. Knowing the eventual pain, it may be foolish continuing on, but I've never been one to not see something through, even when the odds were not in my favor.
When I left my marriage I promised myself no regrets, and I think I'm doing a bang up job making good on that promise.
