Sideways

I was supposed to be off today... but this week went completely sideways for a multitude of reasons but the most disheartening one was learning that a former colleague took his own life on Monday. We didn't know each other well enough for me to feel like I can call him a friend, but I have genuine memories of moments of connection with this person and when I read his obituary today I just started crying and then immediately donated to the suicide prevention organization his parents are promoting. These types of things are difficult to process, and today was the first time I cried about it, when I initially heard Tuesday afternoon I felt my stomach drop and then went into fact finding mode and then comforting my friends that were more directly impacted. Talked to a lot of former co-workers, and helped Buddah plan her trip home for the services. Spent nearly two hours on the phone that night with Burdman just sorting through all his thoughts and that inevitable rabbit hole of was there anything he could of done that could have maybe resulted in a different outcome. Buddah and the young man were pretty close when she was still local and she was somewhat aware that he had mental health struggles and is now beating herself up for not keeping up contact when she moved. I keep trying to remind her that she had a lot going on these past two years with her own mental health...

It's just all around shitty and one of the first thoughts I had was well fuck, if someone like that, handsome, close to his family, lots of friends, has his own place and a good job decides that's the option that looks best, what hope do I have for my twin...but I spoke to him last night and was telling him about the suicide and that I'm gonna be in town for most of next week now for work meetings and to attend some of the planned events to celebrate the life we just lost and that maybe he'd be interested in hanging out at my place in Baltimore for a few days with Lady for me. He has turned into a bit of an agoraphobe during this pandemic and he wasn't able to commit, but I will say it was uplifting to hear him say "Well shit, maybe I'm more resilient than I thought, I'd kill just to have two of those things, my own place and a good job would make such a difference." I'm definitely more eager than ever to get him down here and close to me.

Right now though,  while I'm mostly focused on making sure I'm there for Buddah and whatever she needs to be able to say goodbye, I'd be lying to say I haven't started to feel some anxiety about whether that means I'm putting myself in a position to possibly see the man. I don't know if I'm supposed to avoid some of the planned events I've been invited to or what... I wish I could just reach out and ask him what he wants but that feels like I'd be violating his clear wish to be strangers. Like it's amazing how a tragedy like this just pulls on all the common threads of connection and while talking to all these people I could feel how sad my heart was that he wasn't one of them. Personally I think it'd be really nice to see him and finally get a damn hug. I think I've needed it and I think it'd help me feel at peace with everything. I'm sick of feeling like I have an enemy out there and it truly does make me sad that it's reached that. I don't think I believe we could ever be friends perse, but maybe at least we could finally be where I'm at with my first love. Two people that once loved each other that are no longer active parts of each other's lives but actively root for each other's happiness and reaching out is always welcomed and we catch up once in a blue moon. I think that would be nice but I feel very doubtful that will ever be a thing. I think now that I've been in an actual relationship for over a year now and it's with someone that actually thinks about me and is always doing things to make my life easier and has never made me question if I mattered to them, the rose colored glasses have finally shattered. I definitely still miss that feeling where it felt like I didn't need to say much for the man to understand exactly what I meant, I think the many shared experiences really did allow for a unique connection, but it's much easier now to see that I really should have believed him years ago when he flat out told me he didn't know why I liked him because he was kind of an asshole. For all the times I was there for him when his life was in the shitter, I deserved a whole lot more than what I got in the end. I think that "someday" that never got to be explored will remain a pretty big what if for my life, but that feeling that I missed out on my chance at true happiness has definitely evaporated. The life I have now with Champlain is not one I could have ever had with the man and I feel pretty fucking grateful for this life and know it's exactly where I'm meant to be for this phase of my life.

I still have no idea what my long-term looks like, but the next few years feel pretty clear, and they're here in Baltimore with Champlain who, as Burdman put it, is a fucking saint for deciding to move in with me and eventually my brother. I think I'm gonna remain in a pretty high anxiety state until like Christmas, but thank goodness there's a bunch of fun things sprinkled throughout to look forward to. 

Transitions

I know that I should already be sleeping, but at least I'm in bed...Right now the desire to know if the man ever thinks of me at all is stronger than it's been in a very long time. My first time opening facebook up after the site was down earlier this week for the most of the day, the very first image that loaded was a picture of him with a few other former colleagues. I hadn't seen his face in a long time, he definitely looks older, seems like he stopped dying is hair and let all the gray in. Still handsome, but so squarely a stranger. I truly thought we were at least friends at one point, but friends at least respect each other enough to reply and say goodbye. 

I'm annoyed to even be thinking about him because I just finished primping myself for a lovely DC date with Champlain to celebrate our Anniversary. I can hardly believe it has been a year already, and my what a year it has been. It's exciting to share that I get to celebrate something like that after so many years of being alone. I wish I knew there was the potential for him to be it, but right now I'm just so grateful for finally knowing what it's like to have someone who genuinely thinks about what's best for me and follows through.  So much of my life has been nothing but empty words from people who claimed to love me, it has been a really nice change of pace to actually know there's someone I can rely on, instead of always being relied upon. He's really something else, especially since he apparently loves me enough to move into a bigger apartment together with the intent of having enough space for my twin to move in with us. I don't really know many people that would be so willing to do that, but he just knows, understands, and accepts how important my twin is to me.  I haven't lived with a significant other since 2013 and I haven't had a roommate other than Lady in three years. I certainly have a major transition ahead of me, but I'm mostly just so excited.

I hope someday that even seeing the man's face won't cause me to revisit all the familiar thought loops of was it ever love and do I still matter because I'm sick of happy moments in my life being tainted by the most hurtful experience of my life. I once told the man that the experience of him first reaching back out in 2017 before even knowing he was getting divorced had been a net negative for me. It was the easiest way to sum it all up, but now, after two more rounds of his nonsense and a few years of being dead to each other it seems silly to act like it was a close call. The very few positives don't even come close to balancing out the very impactful negatives to my life and all the things I lost because of loving him. I mean I left my job, and when that didn't work, I eventually decided that not only was it good for my career, but great for my mental health to move to a different state in the middle of a pandemic even though I had spent the last 5 years building up quite a community of friends from frisbee and work. Sometimes I think I've forgiven all that has happened, but I still feel so hurt when I think about how he just drifted into radio silence never to acknowledge me again. Most of me wants to believe he knew being dead to each other was the best for us both and he didn't think keeping things amicable would ever result in that, so he had to be cruel to be kind. But it's hard to accept that and so very difficult to understand his choices. I've wondered lately if what I feel for this person is even love, I'm not sure because I no longer have any confidence that I ever knew them, and loving the idea of someone is not the same as loving them, but I know my heart worries about his happiness so that's gotta mean something.