Three years ago the man came over for an afternoon delight. Two years ago I was single as a pringle and went to a play on Valentine's with my twin. Now this will be my second year having a genuine valentine and with one who knows pretty flowers, some chocolates, and not having to cook and preferably take-out is all that I need. I didn't watch a lick of the superbowl this year, Champlain was working and when I got home from a galentine's tea outing and food shopping I just got distracted by things around the apartment to do as we get ready for our Taco Twosday party! Which I'm pumped for! I haven't hosted a party since I don't remember... I think maybe since I had my townhouse in Chestnut Hill? Dang that's like 8 years ago. Yea I was either living with my folks or in too tiny places to host anything. We definitely had company at the apartment in West Philly but never a party, and for my 30th my grad school friend's hosted so it was a little different. It's also really cool that even though it's mostly a birthday party for Champlain, all the people that are coming, I've actually met and know!
In years past the man would head down to Florida to visit with his dad, golf, and watch the Superbowl. In 2019 I actually drove him to the airport and he kept his car at my place. The whole thing fucked with my head because it was something I was so willing and happy to do, but when he gave me a quick peck goodbye I just couldn't reconcile the intimacy of it with the lack of clarification on what the fuck we were doing. It just made it hurt even more to acknowledge I only existed in this shadow part of his life and that it wasn't real. I hated that my most significant romantic relationship had never been a relationship at all. I wanted to hold out for that magical experience of a sex club with someone I have such an intense chemistry with and I am glad that I did, but I remember driving home from that night and at one point absentmindedly falling into the habit of holding hands while he drove and singing along to a song we both associate with us and then that moment where we both abruptly let go, realizing we'd crossed that invisible line of the situation.
I couldn't help but wonder if the man was indeed in Florida and chuckled at the realization that somehow I've managed to date someone who's entire immediate family aside from his father, also lives in the very same city as the man's father. I haven't visited them down there yet, but probably this year at some point. I've been more worried about the man lately, wondering if he's coping well from the loss of our colleague, and still wondering if he's actually happy in his marriage. I don't really know why I still care as much as I do and just hope that soon it stops. I don't want the heaviness of all that weighing me down even for a second any more, there's so much to be grateful for these days and wallowing on the what ifs feels so rude to my current self. I think at this point that perhaps it's just habit and I need to decide on something else to redirect my thoughts to but for some reason I'm struggling to determine what a better thing to be worried or think about could be...maybe just myself?
