I haven't written in a while because two months ago I saw a face on facebook dating that has already redefined what to be loved means to me. I haven't felt the need to write since I met him but right now I have this desire to preserve some memories of these early days because I think this is it. I think I have finally lucked into what I have been holding out for and I can barely believe any of it is real but he met my sister this weekend and it's starting to feel a little more grounded. So much of our time together has felt a bit dream like and I really didn't think I'd ever get to feel like that about someone again. Mid May I was seriously researching freezing my eggs and co-parenting websites that match you with someone who also really wanted a family but things haven't worked out romantically. Like I made a profile for two of them, but the Monday after that weekend something in me just said try one more time. I'd never used facebook dating so I decided what the heck and turned it on and the first profile I was shown I was immediately a "yes please" and it showed we had one friend in common, my closest girlfriend here in Maryland. I went to like him, and it wouldn't let me because I hadn't built out my profile yet, and once I'd finished he wasn't there anymore! I immediately texted my friend giving as much detail as I could remember and spent twenty minutes swiping until I found him again and by then he had already liked me :)
My friend, who I think from now on I will call Melleth since I feel like we really bonded last year while planning our lord of the rings marathon watch party, had nothing but nice things to say about him which immediately created a sense of comfort. From the very first conversation via the app everything was different. I don't think I've ever had someone ask me such direct and intense questions about me, and my life and my experience and genuinely pay attention to what I had to say. This man has genuinely studied me and already more often than not knows exactly what I'm thinking just by looking at my face. We have an absurd amount of things in common and many shared experiences. He was also married in his early twenties while he was in the air force and lived in Japan for four years and then got divorced in his mid twenties. Shortly after, he was also a part of an affair with a coworker that was super intense and hard to move on from. He then had some hoe phases as well lol In the last few years he's a had a few relationships but none more than 9 months. We definitely comiserated about how awful the dating apps are and how close we were to just giving up. He bought a house on 8 acres of land in northern Maryland very close to the PA border and has plans to turn it into a homestead, with chickens and maybe goats, a solar array, all the veggies, some fruit trees, and eventually a lavender field. Every major topic we've discussed we've been on the same page. We enjoy the same kind of shows and movies and he loves to read so that aspect has been easy, and he even gladly watched a sappy romance with me last week and it was amazing. I've never watched one with a significant other, they always complained and that was just something I would do on my own time. There were so many aspects of my previous relationships where I really was just alone and I've never really had a partner, like I've always been after.
This man is so fucking thoughtful and consistent and loving. Before I left for my Ireland trip with my family he just up and offered to take care of Lady. And before I came home he asked me what groceries I wanted so that I could come home to food. He's already picked up on my preferences for snacks and food items and adjusted his own shopping list and keeps those things at his house for me. Last weekend I helped my younger brother and his wife move and when my sister dropped me back off at his place that Sunday evening he had drawn me a bubble bath, lit candles, and then left to go pick us up dinner and gave me time alone to decompress. I was supposed to head back to my place that night after watching House of Dragon and instead I just stayed until Tuesday morning. I'm struggling to accept that I deserve to be loved like this, I keep waiting for him to change his mind. But I've been so brutally honest about everything I've been through and how the last time I felt this deeply about someone, I was so fucking wrong about them. He has been nothing but patient with me as I take a little bit longer to fully let myself fall. He's all in with no reservations and I can so easily see my entire future with him. Even though it's only been two months, it feels SO much longer than that. Immediately he felt familiar, but we've had so many intense and deep conversations, we've talked on the phone for 6 hours, and regularly 3 hours. It almost feels like we've been together for a year already which is insane but also kinda wonderful. I already hate being away from him and that scares me a bit, but overall I'm just trying to lean into it because I really do think this is the last time I'm going to fall in love.
