What does it mean to heal?

I was reading something the other day that talked about how focusing on letting go is the wrong move, that letting go is actually a by-product of healing and that's where you need to focus your energy. But healing emotional wounds is so different from physical ones... it's hard to clearly identify the extent and the "place" of the wound. I can't flex my muscles or press with my fingers to figure out where it still hurts...

I've been trying to research more things about what it means to "heal" and a lot of what I'm finding is that part of it is really sitting with your emotions and understanding where they stem from at their core, not just the surface level of what triggered them. I think for me personally so much of my pain from the loss of someone I loved deeply activates a childhood wound of not feeling important, of not being chosen. That wound was triggered so many times across my childhood by my parents, but also my twin...and then as I began my romantic life the men I've been in serious relationships with haven't really helped heal it, but have only made it worse.

When I think about the current situation though, the overwhelming feeling is disappointment. I think I let myself get too attached to the idea I had finally found what I've been looking for. The hardest part of now is feeling how much love I still have and yet I have to keep it to myself.  It's hard still worrying about their happiness and I really do wish there was an on/off switch for that.  I'm a big believer that just because something doesn't work out the way you hoped, doesn't mean it wasn't worth it, or that it wasn't exactly what you needed in that moment, cuz would you have wanted it if it wasn't? I like that phrase that everything is either a lesson or a blessing and only time will tell which. Even though there are times when I'm too far down the black hole of sadness I have trouble believing they were ever genuine with me, for the most part I know no matter how hurtful the roller coaster of that experience has been over the last five years, it without a doubt high lighted for me how very right I was to leave my marriage, how very right I was that while life is hard, love is easy when it's right.

I'm sure there will still be many random days ahead where I miss them so much it hurts, but those days are getting further and further apart and that's enough for now. There's no set time frame for healing and I should do a better job at accepting that and be a little nicer to myself when I feel so pathetic for still wishing things had turned out differently. I had never felt so seen and understood, and nothing has come close, so of course it's hard to let go of that, but I keep hearing my buddy's words, if it happened once, it can happen again. 

Feeling off...

I've been feeling out of place lately and I'm not entirely sure what exactly is triggering it or if it's just a mess of things or some inner knowing that understands my life is ready to shift again, to move forward in some profound way. I've been working late hours and pulling away from my social things. Some of that is because I'm trying to take studying for my PE seriously this time and knowing that it's easier to have that time for studying if I'm not doing my sports and if I don't even know about the fun things I could be doing. But I've also pulled away because I've been so wrapped up in sadness the last few weeks. For the last two years that last week of August was accompanied with the rekindling of the on again off again mess I've given too much of my life to the last five years. It has been bitter sweet that history hasn't repeated itself. Most of me knows it's for the best and that maybe this means I finally get to truly move forward, but there's still way too much of me that is feeling the loss all over again.

It's a shitty process getting your heart to accept reality...five years has been feeling like such a milestone, and one where I definitely didn't think I'd still be single.  In the last eight weeks, at least one friend has gotten engaged every week and it's not that I'm not thrilled for these people, cuz I am, it's just that it feels like my singledom is being thrown in my face more than usual. I'm sure it hasn't helped that I had to give an interview yesterday for my ex-husband applying for a national security level job. Some stranger basically asked me to recount our love story and how we used to spend our time together and then summarize my take on his character and suitability for the job. It was a really weird and strange experience and I felt myself jumping out of my skin as I paced back and forth on the front porch of the old converted Victorian house my office is in. Luckily I had lunch plans with one of my oldest friends and her 11 week old baby and her parents as well. Something about holding a baby that makes everything better. But at the same time as I sat and ate with them, I couldn't help but feel the distance that has grown over the last five years. I used to consider them another set of parents, and her, one of my very best friends. Reminded me again of the charge I've given myself over this next decade, to repair the friendships I let wane as I figured my shit out after getting divorced and immersing myself in a new life with grad school and frisbee. At the moment though I feel disjointed from the frisbee world too. I've been a bit of a hermit since moving into my own place, but I think it was necessary. I feel like I've been doing so much reflection the last year, really evaluating what's important to me and the direction I want my life to go in.

I feel good about work, I feel optimistic about my twin and helping him get to a good place, we talked about moving in together next year and I really think that will be a good thing for both of us. I'm feeling less negative about dating, but certainly not positive, perhaps skeptical is the word? Potentially have a first date tomorrow, but staying home sounds more appealing at the moment... it has been a long week. I came back from my birthday trip so on board and ok with my now, I just want to find a way back to that headspace, instead of this one where I'm looking forward to not now...that headspace of waiting for the mystical better future.  Liz Independence is next weekend, two more weddings are on the horizon, things are gonna ramp up with studying and then after the test the holiday craze will start.  Hopefully 2019 wraps up quickly and without any drama.  I have a good feeling about 2020 and I hope my gut is right.