I was reading something the other day that talked about how focusing on letting go is the wrong move, that letting go is actually a by-product of healing and that's where you need to focus your energy. But healing emotional wounds is so different from physical ones... it's hard to clearly identify the extent and the "place" of the wound. I can't flex my muscles or press with my fingers to figure out where it still hurts...
I've been trying to research more things about what it means to "heal" and a lot of what I'm finding is that part of it is really sitting with your emotions and understanding where they stem from at their core, not just the surface level of what triggered them. I think for me personally so much of my pain from the loss of someone I loved deeply activates a childhood wound of not feeling important, of not being chosen. That wound was triggered so many times across my childhood by my parents, but also my twin...and then as I began my romantic life the men I've been in serious relationships with haven't really helped heal it, but have only made it worse.
When I think about the current situation though, the overwhelming feeling is disappointment. I think I let myself get too attached to the idea I had finally found what I've been looking for. The hardest part of now is feeling how much love I still have and yet I have to keep it to myself. It's hard still worrying about their happiness and I really do wish there was an on/off switch for that. I'm a big believer that just because something doesn't work out the way you hoped, doesn't mean it wasn't worth it, or that it wasn't exactly what you needed in that moment, cuz would you have wanted it if it wasn't? I like that phrase that everything is either a lesson or a blessing and only time will tell which. Even though there are times when I'm too far down the black hole of sadness I have trouble believing they were ever genuine with me, for the most part I know no matter how hurtful the roller coaster of that experience has been over the last five years, it without a doubt high lighted for me how very right I was to leave my marriage, how very right I was that while life is hard, love is easy when it's right.
I'm sure there will still be many random days ahead where I miss them so much it hurts, but those days are getting further and further apart and that's enough for now. There's no set time frame for healing and I should do a better job at accepting that and be a little nicer to myself when I feel so pathetic for still wishing things had turned out differently. I had never felt so seen and understood, and nothing has come close, so of course it's hard to let go of that, but I keep hearing my buddy's words, if it happened once, it can happen again.
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