Reminiscing

I am so dysregulated right now and I'm having a really hard time focusing on work stuff. I've had way too many weekend obligations the last two months and throwing the move in the mix my brain is zapped. There's still unpacking to be done but I have a working kitchen and living room, so there's that. 

Buddah is  coming to visit this weekend!!! I'm so excited. She's still with her hobbit, much to my chagrin, I really don't think the dude deserves her, but interested to see where she's really at and if she's just making sure she sees things through so that she has no regrets. 

I've been talking with Gray a lot more frequently lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I genuinely am attracted to him, and I love our chats, he definitely understands what it's like to watch all your friends move through milestones you can't try harder at to accomplish yourself... the whole finding someone and starting a family is more luck than fucking anything. I still just don't really understand why he reaches out, nothing is ever going to happen and sometimes it does feel like he crosses a line, but I don't really know where that line is and why I even care about it. I don't know the man anymore and I don't think I'm ever going to know him again no matter how sad that truth fucking makes me. 

He's been on my mind a lot lately but that's pretty normal for this time of year. Without fail it's like my body remembers falling hopelessly and madly in love with him. Today is the anniversary of our first kiss, if it wasn't two days after the anniversary of when my dog died I wonder if I would remember it every year or if it would fade more.  During the move I found the phone I had when he came back into my life at the end of grad school and I finally got around to charging it today and read through some of our texts. It was wild to see how quickly we fell right back into things with each other, you would never know it had been years. So much fun flirting and sexting and pictures I had forgotten about since I deleted most everything back in 2020. I never really sent Champlain fun photos like that, I mean he got to see some of the real naughty and full versions of the photos from the boudoir shoot I did, but I used to send the man stuff all the time and I loved it. I really miss that level of desire and that it genuinely felt reciprocated. We really couldn't keep our hands off of each other. There were plenty of times across the various stints where we tried to just be friends and I remember a couple of hangouts where it really was like a friend platonic hangout for the majority of the time, but then it was like I would hit my limit and I would need to jump his bones. 

I know I've felt attraction and desire for others, especially early on, but nothing quite like with the man and definitely not so fucking consistent and intense. It's definitely extremely frustrating that the whole experience with him is still what I seem to be after, I still haven't surpassed that in any other relationship. I think about how in March of 2015 he told me "just because we have a connection, doesn't mean we should be together" and I kept my mouth shut in the moment but internally I was screaming "YES IT DOES!" and I think I still believe that we are meant to chase these connections, to foster them, protect them, indulge in them. Maybe that's part of why I entertain things with Gray, because I miss the feeling of connection. But I think that I cannot untangle him from the man, and maybe in some strange way talking to Gray feeds that desire to still know the man. I'm sure once Gray finds someone to date again he'll stop liking random old photos of me leading to a chat. Right now I just wish I could ignore the loop in my head of my friend telling me "He'd be happier with you". I definitely think it sucks that apparently he's not having a lot of sex but like the lady of that equation said, that doesn't necessarily mean he's not happy. I wish I didn't care at all and I wish it felt like I've made more progress moving on the last three years especially with having been in a full blown fucking relationship. But unfortunately I think the relationship just reinforced the way I felt about the man is what I want. 

I still don't feel ready to put myself back out there yet and pretty soon I'm gonna beat my previous record for celibacy from 2018. I've definitely been hornier lately, watched our sex tape for the first time in years and using my graduation gift which I didn't really use at all the entire time I lived with Champlain. Like shortly after we moved in with each other I was so put off by his consistent lack of consideration and gross habits that my libido did a fucking nose dive, I barely recognized myself. I kinda wanted to bail on the whole thing before my twin even moved in with us, but everything was in motion and when I get to hang out with my twin now, and he's always laughing, cracking jokes and talking about the future and what he wants to do next it just all feels worth it and I feel better about how hard this past year has been for me. If me sacrificing my own wants for a few years means I get to grow old with my twin I would do it again. 

Today I miss the man and the fun, sexually liberating and supportive relationship we had. When he popped back into my life I knew there was no guarantee things would progress into a relationship, I was just so excited to have my friend back and I remember telling him that no matter what happened, as long as I never had to pretend I didn't care about him again, that would be enough for me. I think a lot of me still wishes I didn't have to work so hard to ignore all the love I still have for this person. I honestly have no idea how he frames memories of me or if he even has flashbacks to moments of us the way that I do. I really would love to know what he thinks these days about so many different things...

Classes start next week for my Data Analytics and Policy certificate so hopefully jumping into learning about something I find interesting will pull me out of this funk and pointless reminiscing. I want to be ready to date again and maybe I just have to bite the bullet and download the apps and start perusing to maybe spark some of that desire. Right now I need to feed myself and then really work through the mountain of work I have to do and just can't seem to stop procrastinating on.