Clean Slate

Today I saw my first broadway show ever--The Book of Mormon and it was fucking fantastic. For someone who participated in musicals throughout my youth, I honestly don't know how it took me so long to go to one. I had really hoped it would work out to have it be a Mother's day thing, but didn't plan ahead and it was astronomical when I looked at prices for the amount of seats we would have needed. But out of curiosity I noticed a seat by itself, row D seat 16, clicked and it was $69. I impulsively bought it and decided I'd figure out later how I was going to manage appropriately celebrating Mother's day with my moms and then take myself to a god damn broadway show haha.  My family life has always been a bit complicated and strained, but I can honestly say as I'm wrapping up the decade of my twenties where things were with my various sets of "parents" and my siblings in my early twenties versus now, is a world of difference and all for the better. However as I sit on the couch at my best friend's house chilling with her cats while she's away, and reflect on how liberally I used to use that phrase "best friend", I have to admit that now there's very few people I'd feel comfortable giving that label to, and some whose names couldn't be said without being attached to that label that I unfortunately have to wonder if we're still friends at all.

My teens and early twenties were definitely tinged with a desire to get away from my family, from the craziness of it, from the weight of it too, I have always felt very beholden to the responsibility of being the big sister and I think for a time I was resentful of the aspects that eventually felt like a burden. Today though, after starting the day off making breakfast with my younger brother's and their mother and singing in the kitchen with her and her boyfriend, I just feel so grateful that I'm ending this decade in a place of love with everyone in my family. My twin came up on Friday to have dinner with my mom and step father and celebrate Mother's day at a new crab place since the restaurant of our childhood apparently closed. Seems like we found our new spot for special celebrations because the food was amazing even though when I first parked the place looked like it was falling apart and I was sincerely afraid I fucked up and was gonna let my mom down...The night ended talking excitedly with my twin about him finally moving back to Philly and starting the next decade together. We haven't lived under the same roof in 12 years, and honestly since I got back from San Diego we've had various conversations with increasing frequency that our relationship hasn't been as close as we'd both like it to be and I'm so very excited to have the opportunity to continue working towards the closeness we shared in our childhood. Yesterday after dropping him off at the bus station I headed to the place where my mother grew up for my cousin's bridal shower and after grabbing a card I took myself to the beach so I could feel the sand on my toes and the coolness of the ocean. I'm not sure there's a place on this earth that brings me more peace than the beach, I'm excited that summer is just around the corner. Walking along Asbury Park that night with my Mom and sister and learning more about my mother's youth, I realized there's so many conversations I haven't had with her yet and I need to do better at making sure that they happen.

I've only got 16 days until I leave and I so very much want to come back from this trip feeling like I've got a clean slate. I know part of why I decided to hell with it, and see a broadway show by myself today is because I'm tired of waiting to do the things that I want to do. I really want to make sure that this next decade is filled with me continuing to live a loud and happy life no matter how different it might turn out to be from how I had once envisioned it. Last year during my oldest friend in the world's bachelorette we were exploring an art exhibit in Miami and this one phrase struck me and has stayed with me---"Expectations are the blueprints for disappointment". In my twenties I learned without a doubt that life gives no shits about your plans, that it definitely seems to be more about having goals and a direction and just constantly realigning and course correcting as life keeps throwing curve balls at you.  When I allow myself to fall into the trap of social media and compare my life against those of my peers, I cannot help but wonder if I'm falling behind, however when I reconnect with me, the me before my first heart break, the me before I allowed myself to fall into someone else's plans, I pictured a life where I was very focused on me well into my thirties. I was never in a rush to be married and have a family, I was eager to explore the world and to only have to worry about myself. When I remember that it feels like I'm right on track and there's still plenty of time for me to decide if I actually want to get married again or have children. Less and less does it feel like that path is one that will bring me happiness but who knows what's waiting for me in this next chapter.

When I turn 40 I want to be able to look back on these next ten years and proudly say I have no regrets and I feel so grateful for all the experiences and memories I've made. I refuse to make any assumptions about things for my life that involve other people, so right now I'm just gonna identify a few things that I know I have the control over whether they happen or not and pledge to myself to do my best to make them happen between now and forty.

1. Finish visiting all 50 states of the United States.
2. Audition for one of those singing contest shows like you said you would when you were 12.
3. Have an outlet for that dramatic side, through local theater or a choir, just something.
4. Still be playing in your rec leagues to whatever degree physically feasible. Dear god please don't have any serious limiting chronic pain that keeps you from your sports.
5. Be in the habit of cooking more than you eat out --- take care of this body! We don't get another one!
6. Live in a house with a porch for a rocking chair to read your books or watch a thunderstorm and some grass to grow things and put your feet on whenever you need to. Who cares if you ever own one.
7. Own a piano and play it at least once a week. You know it makes you fucking happy.
8. You may still have school debt, but be in a place where you know it's gonna be done with by 50 without a doubt. 
9. Take a vacation with each of your parents, time is running out if it hasn't already...
10. Be able to say your relationships with your family are even better than they were at the beginning of the decade.
11. Keep going to therapy whenever you need to, it gives you clarity.
12. While the best friends you had at the beginning of your twenties are no longer your confidants, may you be able to say you found your way back to the women who helped make you, you.
13. May the few you call best friend now, still have that label, be diligent and consistent in maintaining the relationships that matter to you. 
14. Should people fall away across this decade, make sure it wasn't because you forgot to try, be certain it's a conscious thing on either your part or theirs, and that it's for the better of all parties. And if you realize there are those that did slip away for reasons unknown, don't be afraid to reach out and reconnect.
15. May you still believe you've found a job that allows you to pursue your interests while having a positive impact, and if you stopped feeling that, you better have course corrected and found something else.
16. Be able to feel confident in your ability to protect your energy from those who do not deserve it. You are not a bottomless pit of empathy and understanding and your love cannot "fix" people now matter how much you wish it could.

This started off as bullets and then it got real long, decided to check and see how many I got to and was delighted to see it was 16, a favorite number of mine. Feels like a perfect place to wrap this up and get my butt to the bar to watch the last quarter of game 7, I suppose I should have suffered through the anxiety of the whole game, but occasionally the ending is all that matters, fuck the journey haha.