Reminiscing

I am so dysregulated right now and I'm having a really hard time focusing on work stuff. I've had way too many weekend obligations the last two months and throwing the move in the mix my brain is zapped. There's still unpacking to be done but I have a working kitchen and living room, so there's that. 

Buddah is  coming to visit this weekend!!! I'm so excited. She's still with her hobbit, much to my chagrin, I really don't think the dude deserves her, but interested to see where she's really at and if she's just making sure she sees things through so that she has no regrets. 

I've been talking with Gray a lot more frequently lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I genuinely am attracted to him, and I love our chats, he definitely understands what it's like to watch all your friends move through milestones you can't try harder at to accomplish yourself... the whole finding someone and starting a family is more luck than fucking anything. I still just don't really understand why he reaches out, nothing is ever going to happen and sometimes it does feel like he crosses a line, but I don't really know where that line is and why I even care about it. I don't know the man anymore and I don't think I'm ever going to know him again no matter how sad that truth fucking makes me. 

He's been on my mind a lot lately but that's pretty normal for this time of year. Without fail it's like my body remembers falling hopelessly and madly in love with him. Today is the anniversary of our first kiss, if it wasn't two days after the anniversary of when my dog died I wonder if I would remember it every year or if it would fade more.  During the move I found the phone I had when he came back into my life at the end of grad school and I finally got around to charging it today and read through some of our texts. It was wild to see how quickly we fell right back into things with each other, you would never know it had been years. So much fun flirting and sexting and pictures I had forgotten about since I deleted most everything back in 2020. I never really sent Champlain fun photos like that, I mean he got to see some of the real naughty and full versions of the photos from the boudoir shoot I did, but I used to send the man stuff all the time and I loved it. I really miss that level of desire and that it genuinely felt reciprocated. We really couldn't keep our hands off of each other. There were plenty of times across the various stints where we tried to just be friends and I remember a couple of hangouts where it really was like a friend platonic hangout for the majority of the time, but then it was like I would hit my limit and I would need to jump his bones. 

I know I've felt attraction and desire for others, especially early on, but nothing quite like with the man and definitely not so fucking consistent and intense. It's definitely extremely frustrating that the whole experience with him is still what I seem to be after, I still haven't surpassed that in any other relationship. I think about how in March of 2015 he told me "just because we have a connection, doesn't mean we should be together" and I kept my mouth shut in the moment but internally I was screaming "YES IT DOES!" and I think I still believe that we are meant to chase these connections, to foster them, protect them, indulge in them. Maybe that's part of why I entertain things with Gray, because I miss the feeling of connection. But I think that I cannot untangle him from the man, and maybe in some strange way talking to Gray feeds that desire to still know the man. I'm sure once Gray finds someone to date again he'll stop liking random old photos of me leading to a chat. Right now I just wish I could ignore the loop in my head of my friend telling me "He'd be happier with you". I definitely think it sucks that apparently he's not having a lot of sex but like the lady of that equation said, that doesn't necessarily mean he's not happy. I wish I didn't care at all and I wish it felt like I've made more progress moving on the last three years especially with having been in a full blown fucking relationship. But unfortunately I think the relationship just reinforced the way I felt about the man is what I want. 

I still don't feel ready to put myself back out there yet and pretty soon I'm gonna beat my previous record for celibacy from 2018. I've definitely been hornier lately, watched our sex tape for the first time in years and using my graduation gift which I didn't really use at all the entire time I lived with Champlain. Like shortly after we moved in with each other I was so put off by his consistent lack of consideration and gross habits that my libido did a fucking nose dive, I barely recognized myself. I kinda wanted to bail on the whole thing before my twin even moved in with us, but everything was in motion and when I get to hang out with my twin now, and he's always laughing, cracking jokes and talking about the future and what he wants to do next it just all feels worth it and I feel better about how hard this past year has been for me. If me sacrificing my own wants for a few years means I get to grow old with my twin I would do it again. 

Today I miss the man and the fun, sexually liberating and supportive relationship we had. When he popped back into my life I knew there was no guarantee things would progress into a relationship, I was just so excited to have my friend back and I remember telling him that no matter what happened, as long as I never had to pretend I didn't care about him again, that would be enough for me. I think a lot of me still wishes I didn't have to work so hard to ignore all the love I still have for this person. I honestly have no idea how he frames memories of me or if he even has flashbacks to moments of us the way that I do. I really would love to know what he thinks these days about so many different things...

Classes start next week for my Data Analytics and Policy certificate so hopefully jumping into learning about something I find interesting will pull me out of this funk and pointless reminiscing. I want to be ready to date again and maybe I just have to bite the bullet and download the apps and start perusing to maybe spark some of that desire. Right now I need to feed myself and then really work through the mountain of work I have to do and just can't seem to stop procrastinating on.

Next Chapter

I am so fucking stressed out with the looming move especially because Champlain bailed on the new roommates we found and I'm definitely gonna be paying for both places for the month of August, possibly September. I knew this was a possibility, but I definitely thought I wasn't going to, and moved forward with asking for an early lease start of the new place to accommodate these new roommates. At this point I'm still going to move because I was fucking elated on Sunday evening when I realized I was already done living with Champlain because he's away this whole week in New York with his family. 

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I was so stressed I never finished the above on the 19th and it's now like a week later and the big move with the truck happened on Sunday. New roommates have been found and will hopefully be signing paperwork this week! I'm fucking exhausted and running on fumes and getting ready to just call it for my work day and just work late tomorrow and Thursday. I can't seem to access my brain to decide what shit I need to focus on anyways. 

There's still some things to grab from the old place, specifically Lady lol but I need make sure the new house is not a disaster zone first, want to make sure it's not too overwhelming for her. Hopefully I can get the internet up and running today. I was supposed to be in the field tomorrow so I wasn't actually too worried about it, but that just was cancelled soooo better get my act together for my first WFH day at the cottage!

I'm so totally in love with my new digs. We had a family party in Jersey on Saturday that was basically a reunion and my cousin was asking me about the new place and I just immediately responded "It's an adorable stone cottage in the woods and I'm going to be a witch" lol. She laughed for like 2 minutes and then kept asking me to tell others haha. I'm just genuinely so excited and happy about finding it! I'm pumped to work on the outside space and turn it into something lovely and really learn how to garden. Fire pit is already on the list and maybe eventually a grill?? I've never grilled, should be interesting to figure that out. 

Definitely still in the transition of it all, but I'm so fucking glad the next chapter has truly started.

Almost

The stupid man is "celebrating" eleven years of marriage and I'm sitting on my day bed eating a lot of cheese, drinking a bottle of Moscato like I'm still in college and binging new girl LOL

It's been nine years since I left my marriage, which means it's almost been nine years that I've been in love with someone that I'm never gonna have a life with. That's pretty fucking pathetic but that nonsense aside I found a new place!!!

I honestly didn't fully recognize just how much the current situation has been tanking my mental health but as soon as I decided to find a new place such a weight lifted. The process has been stressful as fuck and last week I was feeling exasperated and then all a sudden a new place popped up on Zillow. It didn't even have photos uploaded yet but I loved the description. I immediately applied and she showed me the place the next day. It honestly feels like I manifested it. Last year when I was talking to my sister about how much I wanted my own place and told her that I wanted a place with a front porch for a rocking chair, a fire place to read by, a backyard to garden, and a quiet location. This place literally has ALL of this! It's this super cute stone cottage from the 1800s and I might be moving as soon as next weekend!

I'm so pumped to live alone again. It's going to be amazing. At this moment I don't even care how fucking single and horny I am. It's been since February since anyone has touched me and me of years ago would be appalled. She'd be on the apps or would have taken up any of the various offers I've already received when me being single came up. I'm frankly not interested in sharing my energy with anyone that doesn't deserve it, the idea of a ONS is just completely off putting. I'm still not even thinking about dating but I'm definitely going to have to genuinely think about what my new boundaries will be and what it means exactly for someone to be worth sharing my body with them. I've never really thought about my body as something to protect, it was always something to leverage to get the affection I was after. Definitely sad to acknowledge that but truthful and honestly the degree of disassociation I've had with my body is probably a big reason why the rape didn't destroy my desire to have sex. I still don't like talking about it...that's an experience I would rather forget entirely but I do get flashes back to it sometimes. 

I'm grateful that this current situation won't last much longer, still annoyed with myself that I got myself into it in the first place let alone for this long... But I was so tired of being alone. It was really nice having a person but I don't want just companionship. I wanna be stupidly in love can't keep my hands off them again. Someday. 

The Web

I was really sad today, like full body sobs during my drive home to MD. I haven't cried like that in a while and even now it's hard to fully capture all the reasons why my heart hurt so much. 

I had a really nice but busy weekend, but it was even better to not be at the apartment worrying about having to interact with Champlain. I officially reached my limit and I'm actively apartment hunting. 

Saturday night was an awesome family BBQ at my now aunt and uncle's at the beach house I've been going to since I was a child which felt healing. Especially seeing my cousin be a dad in person for the first time. I really enjoyed learning the story of how my aunt and uncle met, honestly this age in general has been filled with learning so much about the adults in my life and getting to know them as people. Sunday I went to a BBQ with Burdman at his friend's house and that was a lot of fun. There was some drama but every group of people that have known each other for a long time have their dynamics. I genuinely enjoyed myself and definitely loved that Burdman wanted me there, it felt like an important milestone in our friendship. It also opened my eyes to additional reasons why he's so skeptical about marriages and love... Most of the couples at the gathering I didn't really leave with the impression they were particularly in love and on the same page about their relationship. Made me wonder too about just how prevalent settling and making the best of what you're "stuck" with truly is.

Yesterday I started the morning off running some errands and then met up with Density for a walk along a trail in the Wissahickon and it was really nice catching up. I miss seeing him regularly, there were a few years there where we saw each other weekly and he was someone I always knew had my best interests at heart, would be supportive, and has never hurt me. It honestly feels like I could comfortably say he never will and I feel lucky to know him and I hope he finds someone worthy. Once I wrapped up with him I headed over to my former coworkers' new house they just bought together! Their relationship has definitely progressed quickly but I'm not surprised. I was so eager to not come home that I ended up just helping unpack the kitchen and living room and told myself I'd have dinner and leave. Welp the two of them and their other friend were drinking and smoking and eventually I just said fuck it, texted Champlain to let him know I'd be gone another night, and then took like three shots pretty quickly after each other to catch up lol I kept passing on the weed repeatedly but my girlfriend that was in New Orleans with me kept hyping up how sensitive I am to it and eventually I just gave in. I took ONE drag. I honestly think I'm becoming more sensitive?? But the high was milder perhaps? Idk definitely rejoined the same delusion but I never really zoned out of what was happening in front of me the same way I have in the past. Instead I was having super intense conversations with their friend that made dinner that I never even got to eat lol He really reminded me of my friend from high school who I had the biggest crush on and I definitely need to reach out and check in on him. We talked about mostly random shit, but I vividly remember talking about DMT the god molecule and how it's something found everywhere in nature and in our brains and that it's emitted when we're born and when we die which of course fed my belief it was the end of the world lol At one point there was definitely some video discussing what our reality actually is and how time folds in on itself? It all made sense at the time but I'm struggling right now to actually put it all together the experience once again reiterated connectedness, source, that we're spiritual beings experiencing humanity. I know previous excursions I got this feeling that I was the last one, that everyone was watching and waiting on me to just figure it out, but then I kept getting this feeling about being the original. But the original what? Like I know I call myself and my two full siblings the originals. At the end I started to wonder if maybe I've been learning from everyone else this whole time but I've never actually taken the full leap into truly living for the present. I've just always been so stuck on the past or caught up in planning the future. I keep discounting my now when it's literally the only thing that actually exists.

It felt like some of the spokes of the web of all the people I'm connected to have contracted further, that my core group is becoming more defined, but I still have some stragglers, people I love that feel too far away and out of reach. Apparently my friends recently went golfing with the man and another former coworker and turns out neither of them are satisfied with their sex lives. He's not having much and she has faked every orgasm she's ever "had". Learning about her abusive past relationship and the trauma she's still enduring on top of not feeling desired made my heart hurt for her, because she's exceptional and deserves so much more than that. However hearing that the man might not actually be happy like he told me he is, made me cry, like immediately. I don't think I knew just how tightly I was holding on to that belief that as long as he's happy, I can find peace in how our situation played out. I just don't understand why he's choosing to stay in that version of his life, why he doesn't want to push forward into a better reality, and I'm not even thinking about one with me, but just one where he doesn't have to forego the kind of pleasure we all should be able to indulge in, like I genuinely believe we're supposed to. If you're not having sex with your romantic partner, at best you're actually just friends, but more than likely you're not even really that and just fucking resent each other. 

When I got to my dad's today I immediately bursted into tears after telling him I just really needed a hug from my dad. Like I cried in the car when I realized that's what I wanted and that's who I wanted to see because it hasn't been my dad since I was a kid. This whole seeing each other weekly has really allowed for some healing. Last week he was being a real dick about Christmas Eve and I know he got the short end of the stick when we were growing up, but he did that to himself. He continued to let his ex wives dictate his life and always acquiesced mostly out of guilt with my mother and then I think default with my step mom but on my car ride home I also realized another motivator for him. He never wanted to be responsible for unnecessarily keeping us from having time and memories with our mothers because that's all he's wanted since his mom died, more time with her. But I wish he understood that I needed him, that he was my anchor parent and it really fucked me up when he left and how hurtful it was when he chose his gf over me when I was 21... And I guess I realized today that even though I've spent the better half of a decade making sure I didn't need him for anything I needed him today. I needed him to hold me while I cried and attempted to ask him why people stay where they aren't celebrated, why people settle, that everyone deserves to be loved and I'm so sad for all my friends that haven't experienced it truly. His girlfriend actually said something that really resonated, she said that not everyone is emotionally ready to be in a loving relationship. Definitely made me think about the man. I wish so badly to understand his choices and why so much of me still wishes he chose me.

"Forever is a long long time"

I should already be sleeping but I've got a lot of thoughts swirling so probably best I just get them out and then hopefully sleep will find me quickly. The man and Gray's album dropped and I received a personal invite from Gray to check it out on Friday evening. I listened with my twin on the way up to PA yesterday and then again that night with my headphones because I couldn't stop thinking about some of the songs. Like I told Gray earlier tonight, overall I was just super impressed and the guitar was beautiful throughout the entire album. I'm still genuinely surprised my favorite song was Resolute which is entirely instrumental so definitely not what I typically sway towards considering how much I love to sing. Not all of the singing and lyrics were particularly note worthy, but I sincerely enjoyed the album and keep going back to Electricity and Gone Away. I've listened to Gone Away the most and Gray shared that it is a vulnerable song so I'm sure that's part of why I'm so drawn to it, but I know I'm also incapable of not trying to gleam any kind of meaning from it. 

As the years have gone by and the process to move on with my life has seemed to be SO much harder for me than it ever was for the man it's been really hard not to internalize the belief that I was never all that important to him. As Burdman put it bluntly not that long ago, "There were never any months he was trying to be in a relationship with you, it was never going to be you". Obviously from my point of view, I truly thought he was trying to be with me, at least on two occasions.  During our very first stint crossing lines we never should have crossed, I couldn't believe he blew his life up because he wanted to be with me. No one had caught him, I had never asked him to do anything like that, but who knows what would have happened if we had carried on in our bubble of delusion.  I've always wondered how things would have played out if I had been in a head space where I could have been all-in with him instead of being so unsure about everything in my life. The other time was when he came back to me after spending the summer apart and told me that song from Black Mirror "Anyone Who Knows What Love Is" had caused him to have an epiphany about me and us and helped him see what he wanted. I thought he finally understood how I felt about him and how impossible it was for me to truly let go and I trusted him when he told me he wanted our someday. 

When I think back on that time now, I know it was incredibly stupid of me to think that someone in the middle of chaos like that who honestly had no idea what they wanted or needed in their life was capable of starting something real with me. But I do wish that when he started to believe he couldn't give me the life he assumed I wanted, he had talked through those worries with me instead of making a decision for me and just vanishing from my life only to reach back out 9 months later. Nine months we could have spent actually having a chance to finally learn each other. I honestly don't think I've ever wanted to know someone the way I wanted to know this man, I wanted to know everything and everyone from his childhood to his now, I just wanted to understand him and to prove to him that all of it was worth sharing and could be loved. It really was so easy to love him and I remember being so excited to no longer hide how I felt and to just be able to celebrate him, but things never got there. 

The last few years though I think I've just been annoyed that everything even happened causing me so much pain for nothing on top of creating a situation where I could never explore things with Gray even though I know how fucking rare it is to meet people you click with. It all just feels stupid. I'm really glad that Gray wanted to share their album with me, even though I definitely didn't need him to reach out for my sleuthing skills to find it eventually. Definitely surprised not to see a post about the album from the wife though, like I would be promoting the shit out of this album if I was still allowed to be friends with these guys let alone if I was one of their SOs. Like the man and I are legit strangers these days and I'm still super proud of him for doing something like this because at one point I knew him enough to know this has been a dream for a really long time. 

I don't even know how many times I've listened to the song at this point, but just now I tried to capture the lyrics best I could:

Gone away 

Forever is a long long time

Can't tell what it takes to say goodbye

Gone away

Forever's such a long long time

Is it up to me to draw the line?

Could more time have made me understand you?

Or have I learned enough by now?

Sometimes I think I know

But then I turn around

and I'm lost for now

and you're gone away

Forever is a long long time

Can't tell what it takes to say goodbye

Gone away

Forever's such a long long time

Is it up to me to draw the line?

*kickass solo*

I can't try to bring us back together

And I know you're close

but I don't know how

You play the game to lose

and now you can't be found

So long for now

Cuz I've gone away

Forever is a long long time

Can't tell what it takes to say goodbye

Gone Away

Forever's such a long long time

Is it up to me to draw the line

Gone Away

Forever is a long long time

Gone Away

Forever's such a long long time  

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There have been a few times over the years where I asked the man why he could never give me an actual goodbye. I never got an answer but I think for the part of my heart that still hurts over this story in my life I'm gonna choose to believe that maybe our experience together was partial inspiration and maybe I never got a goodbye because if he had to face me to do it, he wouldn't have been able to redraw the line of strangers. And now that we have to be dead to each other forever it's hard not to wonder if he ever gave things enough time to actually understand me to be able to see what we were and could have become.

Logical me knows I have no idea what the song is actually about, that maybe it's about losing a loved one, and not romantic at all and that I'm just a blip in both of these men's life stories but hopelessly romantic me is gonna believe that maybe I'm a worthwhile muse. 

I know I'm still not ready to really even think about putting myself back out there and to start dating and while both Burdman and Density have asked me if I'm going to move back to PA, I hadn't even considered that as an option, but I guess it's a potential one. Especially with my firm being acquired and the new company having a stronger PA presence I'm sure if I had a reason to, I easily could do that. I just don't see a good enough reason to do that, I miss people in PA for sure, but I know without a doubt it was so good for my mental health to move away from there and the man. Putting some physical distance between myself and all of that really helped me to stop holding out for him to come around again. Clearly I'm still struggling with processing the imbalance of the feelings involved in that situation-ship but I know I stopped being afraid of my life blowing up in my face without warning because of him reaching out. I definitely already miss companionship, it was really nice having a break from being single, I'd really missed having a person. I really hope once I decide I'm ready there's worthwhile men in the area that could be good life partners.

All In

I'm chilling in my car avoiding going up to my apartment because I'm not ready to let go of the high of having a really fun night with actual girlfriends. It's been a really long time since I've had close friends that I saw regularly and I've really missed it. I'm really looking forward to continuing to build these relationships. It was really awesome that they planned something to celebrate my birthday, made me feel really special. I definitely needed that too because I started my actual birthday not feeling special at all.

Champlain and I have officially entered new territory with him having brought a girl home on Sunday. He had told me Saturday he had a date, but at like 11:30 that night he texted that he was bringing her back and I didn't see it until shortly after midnight and then felt like I couldn't leave my room even to get water... I then just lied in my bed unable to articulate the feelings I was having... I just know it didn't feel good. Burdman was the first person I told about it which I think marks a new level in just how important he is to me. I told him that it wasn't that I don't want Champlain to move on and to be happy, I do, but I feel so far away from being ready to do that and maybe I thought I'd be harder to move on from? But ultimately I think it hurt as much as it did because it triggered that wound of not feeling like I had ever mattered, a wound that goes back to my dad leaving and has been exacerbated by every romantic relationship I've ever had, and especially by the one with the man.

I'm finally in a place where I really don't think about him with any kind of regularity. It's still more than I want, but thank goodness it's SO much less than it was. I was just now looking through my Facebook memories for the day and Cobra Kai winning the softball championship popped up and it prompted me to click his name on his comment to my post. Apparently he finally started a legit band with Gray so that's super cool. Gray and I actually just chatted the other day after he liked one of my posts. We hadn't chatted since March so it was nice to catch up, I wish we could talk more but idk I always feel weird initiating. I just always wait for him to interact with something of mine and then I reach out. It always sucks to miss out on someone you really clicked with. I'm super curious about this band thing cuz Gray didn't mention it. I'm already wondering what the songs will be like and if I'll finally catch a real glimpse of the inner thoughts of the man that he never shared with me. It's always so wild to remember that for an entire summer he would read my thoughts and somehow it didn't freak him the fuck out, he came back for that final round. 

They say when you can't get rid of an attachment to someone they must have filled a role that no one has before and turned out to be important and so you're just stuck on wanting to recreate that. I've been trying to articulate what it is that I got out of that connection that I just never had prior and haven't been able to recreate and I'm still not really sure. I know the shared experiences of our childhood was a really big one for me, and I still don't have very many divorce friends. But I think so much of it was that fact that he wanted to protect me in the very beginning of all of it, he wanted to save me and man did I want to be rescued from my life way back then. Now though, I don't want to escape my life, I haven't felt that way since back then. However I genuinely would love to be with someone that I respected and trusted enough to take care of me, so that maybe I could relax a little, put my guard down. I'm not sure I've ever felt truly safe in a relationship to be absolutely vulnerable. I wonder what kind of partner I could be if I ever got the chance to be truly all in. I was all in with the man, but we never got to the partner part. I really want to have that. I really hope that by the time 35 comes around I've made serious progress towards experiencing that.

Painting a Fence

I'm fucking sad and not really ok right now and extremely distracted. It's terrible timing too because I'm out Thursday and Friday this week for a trip with my mom and siblings so there's a lot to get done today and tomorrow. I haven't needed to write like this, in the middle of the day, in a very long time and I'm trying to focus on that fact as much as I can because that means for the most part these last 2.5 years I've been pretty happy and stable. 

Champlain and I moved around our beds this weekend and I'm now in the big ass office all by myself but finally able to sleep with Lady again which I've missed terribly. The room is still a mess and now I don't have a closet sooo I've got a lot of work cut out for me but I'm relieved too that I don't have to wait until my twin moves out to have the separation I need to start the process of moving forward. I keep vacillating between falling into old habits of intimate actions and being an ice queen and it's exhausting for me so I can't imagine what it's like on the receiving end. Last week Champlain was trying to tell me how the stress of the looming change of rooms and the lack of physical touch was making his terrible sleep schedule even worse and my response was "Well then you should be extra pumped to move the beds so you can have someone over" and then I walked away...

It doesn't help that in the middle of all this, I'm planning a party for Burdman's 40th and of course inviting the man was a whole conversation and I wish so much I was truly indifferent about it, but I'm fucking not. I of course did not include him in my first run of the guest list because like even if I was totally cool with seeing him, how could I include him on the list and not have Burdman be like you're just looking for an excuse to see him. So I don't and then he has to ask me about it and I have to be like "it's your birthday you can absolutely invite anyone you want to, it's for you". But, ever since he told me last Thursday that he called the man to talk about it and invite him and that he's going to try and come I've been anxious as fuck and maybe more hurt than I expected? It definitely still bothers me that it feels like I experienced a ton of repercussions for ever loving the man and yet what lasting ones has he? The Burdman has acknowledged that the way he strung me along was a dick move, but he really has never judged the man to his face and for someone who touts being a loyal friend that's not very fucking loyal to me.

I'm so tired these days, and not just for lack of sleep cuz that's fucking normal, but it's like my soul knows I'm about to start trying again to find someone and it's just exhausted already. I'm sick of overperforming in my relationships, like all of them, my romantic, friends, and familial ones. The fact that I can't think of a single time someone went above and beyond for me feels shitty. And then as I sit here the one that comes to mind was from years ago when the man drove me to the shore two days after my dog died because my car wasn't safe to drive and then drove himself back. Like that's not even a good one because there was a whole lot of motivation for him to spend time alone with me and it ended up being the night of our first kiss. I just don't think I've ever been anyone's priority and the people across the years I've thought were my best friends, well they're fucking not, I wasn't even in either of my childhood best friends weddings and my bestie from college I barely know these days and Buddah and I haven't been the same since last July. Burdman really is my only true best friend so maybe that's part of why this situation is hurting me more than I want it to. It's taken years for the Burdman to even acknowledge that I'm important to him, but I still don't rely on him for emotional needs. I definitely still share most things about my life, but I'm not gonna call him first because my internal chatter still tells me he doesn't care. I mean he literally used to tell me that we could stop talking tomorrow and it wouldn't bother him. He did recently make it a point to let me know that he knows what I'm going through right now can't be easy and to reach out, so maybe I just need to do that. Maybe I can even acknowledge the whole thing with the man hurts my feelings, but I'm not sure how much it has to even do with the man specifically versus just feeling taken for granted.  

I'm still not looking forward to possibly seeing the man, I think it's going to be harder than it was a year and half ago because I'm not riding the high of being happy with someone and about to move in with them. I'm literally in the thick of processing that I'm alone again and praying it doesn't take me six years again to like someone enough to want to actually date them seriously. Even though I always knew there wasn't long term potential with Champlain, it was still a serious relationship, and one I felt safe in, but maybe only because I never thought about the future, and could never really have my heart broken. I know I'm supposed to be all independent and liberal and what not but right now I know that whomever I end up with needs to be someone that is a giver, no more takers. I want to be taken care of because it's painfully clear I never have been. I think that's part of why I fell so hard for the man all those years ago because he wanted to save me, to protect me, and even though he was no where near to being in a position to ever do that across all our stints, the fact that he wanted to struck me deeply. 

During the good times with the man I've never felt more beautiful and alive and I'm really fucking craving that right now. Sometimes I still wish I could know the man's side of our story but part of me is finally accepting that even if I did it wouldn't change anything about now. I'll never truly know how much of our time together was mutual but I really don't like writing it off as just circumstances and just sex and just free therapy. It was a life changing connection for me and that can never be undone. I watched Mr. Mom recently with my family and there was just this random little scene during the montage of him coming into his own of being the stay at home parent and thriving where he was painting the fence in the backyard and in popped a memory. The man once told me that while painting his own fence he had thought about how if I was there even that would have been fun. Such a simple thing to say but it let me know that he enjoyed my company that much and here I am now, hoping to find someone else that will feel that lucky to know that even the mundanity of life would be better with me in their life. 

I'm still very far off from being ready to start dating again and I don't have a clue how the fuck that's going to go down while living with my ex but I'm really over how stagnant I've been feeling, I just fucking hate limbo. I'm hopeful that this upcoming trip will allow for a reset and I can come back refreshed and ready to start showing up as a person I'll have a hard time belittling in my inner dialogue. 

Try Again

Dang there's way more changes ahead and they might be happening sooner than I initially planned. This year has certainly started off with a bang. I finally got covid, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of seven years and I already bluntly told Champlain this is our last year together. Never thought I'd be jealous of a break up, but here I am. 

I already had that simmering and then I went to New Orleans last weekend for a bachelorette and spent a lot of time with former colleagues who now all know about my past with the man. One of them actually is now a direct report to him and she's the one who left her husband for our other coworker almost a year ago now. Got a front row view to their love fest. I also got super high for the first time in a long time. 

Being high on Bourbon Street was definitely a magical experience, a memory I'm gonna cherish for sure. Being back there in general was quite a trip. Whenever I get that high I keep continuing the same delusion, this same idea that the end of the world is finally here and it's going to end the way it began-with a great big bang. Basically my brain starts working rapid fire making all these connections about my life and the people in it and making sense out of everything. I always reach the same conclusion that we're all connected, that we all came from the same place and we'll all go back to it. There's also always this belief that everyone that's ever mattered to me is waiting for me to make these connections and surrender to them. Somehow I know I'm the last one of my soul family to figure this shit out and they're all watching, everything I do in this life has basically been a movie for them and thank God it's been entertaining lol. Usually when the whole thing starts I get scared at first but then I feel relief because I'm hoping that it's all finally over, that I can stop trying so hard to make this whole life thing be worth while, I can just rest and I'll be with everyone that I care about. It's always been accompanied with this feeling that the time apart from the man is finally over and that always makes me deliriously happy.

I'm pretty sure getting high like that and talking directly about him and our history is why I needed to write in the blog just for my thoughts to him for the first time in almost a year! I was like a week shy. That's some serious progress but shows I'm still stuck on that particular brand of love. I've never had a love that made the rest of my life make sense the way things with him did and I think that's always been the draw of it. Burdman always says that one person always loves the other person more, that someone else is always more invested. In the beginning of that love story as I was just leaving my marriage I really thought the man was crazy for telling his wife he wanted out to be with me, I didn't feel like I could trust any of what was happening, but gosh it's so many years later and it turns out it was me all along that loved him more.

I'm not sure how things are going to go down with Champlain, I don't think I'm gonna last until the end of the year.  I just know I'm ready to try again to find what I know I'm capable of feeling. 

Changes

 It's been a while since I've written anything anywhere I guess life has been mostly happy and busy. A lot has changed this second half of the year. I left my job in August! Some shady shit went down near the end, it was a weird experience and I'm really grateful to no longer be in those circumstances. I'm making $13,000 more than I was, the hours are way better, I feel challenged yet appreciated, and the commute is twenty minutes only some time! One of the main clients I am supporting is a ten minute walk from our apartment, I've never walked to work before and I really like it.  I definitely had not recognized just how much the old job had begun to negatively impact my mental health, Champlain mentioned a month into the new job that I'm much nicer lol. It's definitely super nice to have co-workers again and to be learning from experienced project managers. This past month was definitely super busy and really fun. I participated in my first tough mudder, we went to a Shakespeare play, our good friends wedding, SKY DIVING, ren fair and then a Vegas trip with my sister for When We Were Young Festival. Sky diving was amazing, I unfortunately was recovering from a sinus infection so at the very end my head felt like it was going to explode and I had to blow real hard with my hand clamped on my nose to relieve the pressure. It's definitely something wild to be high enough to notice the curvature of the earth and then to look down and not even feel like you're falling for this first minute because the ground is not getting perceptively closer.  Vegas with my sister was pretty amazing, it was so nice to get that much time together and be able to talk about ourselves and our lives and not just our brother and the family.   

Other big changes for me are that Burdman and Buddha are no longer friends and I don't think that'll ever recover which does make me sad.  Back in June Buddha was forced into a situation where she had to choose between her hobbit in Denver and Burdman and I think because of their past where he was never willing to try with her, and to this day doesn't acknowledge they dated, the choice felt obvious, but she handled it terribly, and she hurt Burdman's feelings. Meanwhile we'd had a  road trip planned for months to see some bands we all love in Detroit. I remember being nervous the trip was gonna be so awkward but even though she tuned out some of our inflammatory chats during the drive out there, once we got there it was fine, felt like old times. The day of the show we started things off with a boozy brunch followed by a dive bar. I don't drink a lot, like ever, but I completely forgot the Blood Mary's at brunch were doubles and we made new friends at the bar and shots were traded and before I knew it, I was absolutely polluted.  Buddha had become progressively flirtier as the morning went on, and not just with Burdman, with myself and our new friends. Everyone was having a good time, but it became clear when we left the bar to head back to the hotel to freshen up before the show that the good times were over for me. I haven't puked the contents of my soul like that in years. Dear lord it was awful. I told them to go on without me that I would be fine on my own and would join if I could. Apparently Burdman was not willing to be late and went ahead, and Buddha eventually caught up with him but the crowds were too much and she started to have a panic attack. I'll never know the entire truth of the situation because I wasn't there, but from her perspective she grabbed at Burdman I guess to get his attention to maybe ask to leave the area they were in, and he at the time reached his limit with her flirting and grabbed her hand and placed it on his crotch two times, I guess trying to get her to decide her intentions one way or another. She interpreted this interaction as sexual assault, and months later I'm still having a hard time categorizing it as such. It's difficult because I can't help but recall a night at a show with Burdman four years ago now where he forced his hands down my pants and started to kiss me when I had not purposefully indicated I wanted any of that. I remember trying to remove his hands, I remember asking him what he was doing, and I remember wanting all of it to stop but knowing we were right next to a security guard and not wanting the situation to be misinterpreted, or blown out of proportion and I just kinda turned off, and let it happen. Later that evening we engaged in further activities but those all felt more consensual for sure, but I guess my initial reaction to her feelings were lol that's not sexual assault. Whereas in reality I guess that it was, and that both situations are not ok, but both situations include people with previous history of sexual involvement and alcohol and zero malicious intent so can you give it such a black and white label? All I know is the whole thing made me uncomfortable and I didn't know the proper way to handle it, there was a lot of gray to it and I don't think Buddha acknowledged her flirtations and leading him on, but flirting does not equal consent. She has decided to categorize him as not a good person, asked me never to talk about him with her and to not share details of her life with him.  People are the sum of their choices, not their misjudgments, but I can't say it was an isolated event because of my own experience.  But I think back on that night and I remember feeling like we were a couple ahead of him making a move, so if I felt that, he did too, and when I try to remember why it had that air to it, it dawns on me that it was just a week after I had met up with the Man after bailing on him twice. We had spent 6 hours together, enough to undue 10 months of trying to let go and had absolutely put me in the head space of wishing deeply I had someone and maybe wondering for the 100th time why couldn't it be Burdman? But I think that experience made it abundantly clear to both of us that the nature of our connection is not romantic, even if we both find each other attractive, I'm far too annoying to him and he's far too inflexible for the chaos my life will always have. 

The chaos has been dialed down dramatically, my thirties are another world compared to my twenties, but just the very nature of me and my family, predictability is just not something I'll ever have. I'm sure the way I was feeling back then is why shortly after that incident with Burdman I allowed the Man back into my life for four months, this time a true secret, even on my end. It feels crazy that all happened years ago, sometimes when a memory of him surfaces, it all feels like it happened yesterday. Just a few days ago Burdman called me drunk af after a night out with the softball team, the Man included and I immediately wished I could reach out to him to hear his side of the story of the married broad that kept grabbing Burdman's dick lol. When Burdman's best friend in the whole wide world had to be put down, I did reach out to the Man. I remember mulling over it the entire drive home to MD after going to the vet with him, I kept asking myself am I taking advantage of a reason to reach out? I never landed on a clear answer on that front, but what I did land on was that I wasn't going to ever be in a place where my best friend was gone and I was saying I wish I had done more. I was going to do the most, so I told someone I know cares about him too, hey treat with care this human is hurting. We hadn't interacted with each other in a few months at that point and it wasn't even a conversation yet Burdman still doubted my intentions. Nothing I can do about that but the only person I have to be in peace with is myself and I did what I thought was right. It's crazy it's been over a year since we lost our co-worker. I thought a lot about him this past month, I wondered if the guys had a drink for him at their softball gathering.  

Depression is a terrible thing and while people who suffer from it have some similar experiences, it's also such a personal thing that is so hard to understand and so hard to know how to fucking help. My twin still isn't working, but he has definitely made progress and has started talking about getting a job so I guess that's better than nothing. I know Champlain is much more frustrated with his lack of financial contribution and he's been asking more recently if he will move out to our family townhouse. I knew I was putting myself in a precarious situation but I guess I hoped it would be more stable for a bit longer? We just renewed our lease for another year so I guess our relationship is safe for another year? We've been together for two years now, my first serious relationship since getting divorced, and his most serious and longest relationship ever. It's still the healthiest thing I've ever been in but we've been revisiting the conversation about kids. I asked him to get into the therapy to deal with his childhood trauma, that I want to know we did all we could to see if we could have a life together and if he still doesn't want children, then it will be time for goodbye. I have no desire to talk someone into a life they don't readily want, especially when I know there are men out there who really do want a family. I just know it's hard to find someone who compliments you so well and makes it so easy to be yourself. It was therapeutic to learn in Vegas that my sister and I are literally dealing with the same thoughts. I don't know what the future holds or why I maintain the desire to try and plan it when I know so well plans are a fools errand. I guess my plans will always be my attempt to know the direction I wish to go in and I'll just keep refining my ability to handle what life throws at me and course correct whenever I need to.           

Sweet Relief

Relief and released I think can accurately sum up the way I've been feeling the last month or so. I had been sick with a sinus infection, off my ADD meds and probably a little high on Nyquil so impulsivity levels were high and I had just directly talked about the man with my former coworker and friend that's leaving his pregnant wife earlier that day so sending one of my long winded emails felt like a worth while thing. I had been thinking about reaching out for a while just because I could tell that I was no longer making any kind of progress on my own moving forward from the whole thing and when his wife randomly made one of her socials public I just found myself sincerely wondering if he was actually happy. Her version of their life gave zero indication of the real hurt they both caused each other and I noticed that in the last few years she never posts directly about him aside for father's day. Nothing for his birthday, nothing for their anniversary and I just wondered is that where they're at? They love and respect each other for the wonderful co-parents they are and may not actually have much beyond that?

But I'm glad I reached out, because he responded and from the horses mouth they have fully recovered and are really happy and literally the only thing I felt was such relief. I don't think I had realized there was this part of me that was still afraid that this bullshit would cycle around again and blow up my life yet again. I don't even understand how that fear was still there when I have purposefully made decisions to insulate myself from that probability. I think the trauma of things being off and on again over so many years left its mark more than I thought. Even though I admitted to still missing him, and perhaps that's somewhat desperate, it just makes me think about Dido's White Flag. I don't think I'm ever going to reach a place where I don't believe that we could have had something others only dream of, but at this point in my life I'm just grateful to truly know what it's like to not only love and be attracted to someone, but to genuinely respect and find them interesting. I had forgotten that giddy feeling of talking to someone I feel that way about, like I was markedly in a much better mood the day we chatted than I'd been in weeks. I think it just goes to show how impactful your chosen partner can be in your overall wellbeing and enjoyment of life. 

Before moving in with Champlain I think things were pretty fucking close to how it'd been with the man, but my respect for him significantly dipped after it has become an ongoing battle to get through the simple labor of sharing a household. I was feeling really fucking stuck and frustrated, yet slowly but surely it's getting better, but it's really been a trigger to my marriage. I sincerely have zero interest in mothering a grown man and taking on ALL the mental labor like I did back than. More days than not we still have so much fun together so at least I have that, but we'll see what the future holds. One thing I'm super grateful for is to not have the added pressure of marriage and promises weighing me down when I consider my future and what may be next. There truly is such a difference in the mechanics of it, but it was definitely interesting to hear the man's take on the situation with our coworkers and it just was so very clear that accepting their choices or seeing them as worthwhile in any way would directly challenge the world view he had secured to stay in his own marriage. I understand that kids add another element to it for sure, but people don't exist solely to procreate and for the sake of their kids. It's fucking selfish and irresponsible to not take them into consideration, but kids are not worth the sacrifice of a life that you actually want. The raising a family stage is hard as fuck, I commend everyone who ventures into that, but it's not supposed to be joyless and a drag most of the time, truly. I believe when you do it with a real partner, it will still be hard, but the joy of it will always be easily accessible. 

I still don't know if that's something that will eventually be a part of my life story, but it seems like every day I feel more sure about this idea of a boarding school for orphan high schoolers, the ones no one adopted and still deserve a family. A school that leans very heavily on montessori, incorporates mental, occupational, speech, and physical therapies and prepares these kids for college and provides a home for them to come back to during their college breaks. Reading stories of orphans who had persevered and received scholarships for school but then were displaced during the pandemic and many who lost access to reliable internet and could only go to shelters and just had worked their asses off for it all to fall through, their grades to slip and to lose their scholarships. It all broke my heart. I still don't know the logistics of turning this into a reality but I know I'm gonna figure it out even if it takes me until I'm an old lady.

See this has been the greatest gift of finally feeling released, the ability to use this brain of mine to think about other shit, the man no longer takes up so much fucking space and I just truly couldn't be more relieved.