BDE

Today was the best day ever. It started off with knowing I was getting my second dose of the vaccine and while waiting in line I found out I passed the Environmental PE!!! I am finally a licensed engineer! I seriously almost cried when I saw the green PASSED. I've been pretty ecstatic the whole day. So many texts, calls, and emails with congratulations, it's been overwhelming and wonderful. But with possibly being down for the count the next day or two, I had so much work to get done today and didn't quite finish so hopefully I'm marginally functional, but just now, I almost passed out in the shower....

I was so grateful I had so many people so genuinely happy for my success but it was annoying to acknowledge there was a moment I wished I could share the news with the man. But for once the fact that I couldn't didn't cause me to spiral. I'm not sure anything could have ruined today. 

I think I'm going to sleep like the dead and I can't wait.

Brave Optimism

 I decided it was time to deactivate my social media accounts again to get serious about this last month of studying, but I checked through my memories for the day just now and came across a note I wrote three years ago just over a month after the man had completely blindsided me with the break up and I honestly have never been more hurt, and this is coming from someone who has been unasked to be a bridesmaid by one of their oldest friends, and had a parent kick them out of their apartment and put them up in a hotel because their girlfriend didn't like them.... so like that's saying something. 

Rainy lazy Sunday thoughts

Life is made up of "Befores" and "Afters" that change you for the better or for the worse. While these moments can be life events or unforseen circumstances, they are often accompanied by someone entering or leaving your life, both of which can turn into blessings or lessons and it's up to you to decide how to frame that within your life narrative. I'll never subscribe to the belief that when things don't work out how you expected them to, that it means it wasn't worth it, or was all a waste of time. I just don't think it's ever that black and white. 

Oftentimes when someone hurts you immensely it's easy to respond with anger, at them, and to yourself when you begin to run through all the things you could have done differently to change the outcome. But maybe when someone hurts you to the degree where you wonder if you ever even knew them, they don't currently know themselves, and there's nothing you can do to help them, and it's honestly best to part ways. Give yourself a chance to see what else is in store for you. However, should your paths align again, it'll be your choice to forgive or to continue to love from afar cuz lord knows once deep feelings form, they are always there, they just get a little bit fainter over time. 

There's so much emphasis to be happy, and put on a brave face, but the notion that emotions like anger, sadness, and fear are negative, is dangerous. Emotions are natural responses to our surroundings, data points if you will, that are there to help inform you about how you should react in any given situation. You are not your emotions. Susan David in this amazing book called "Emotional Agility" references Viktor Frankl, a psychiatrist who survived a Nazi death camp and then went on to write "Man's Search for Meaning". In it Frankl says that "between stimulus and response there is a space" and "in that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

Some may think to forgive is naïve and foolish and perhaps sometimes it can be, but we're all only human and we all can be impulsive and reckless and do things that don't always align with what we truly want. I think to forgive is brave optimism, a choice to always see the good and I refuse to let anything in this life turn me permanently bitter.

I felt so proud reading this knowing that even in the depths of that hurt I had moments of clarity and being able to see the big picture and that I truly didn't allow the experience to turn me bitter. I'm still the same hopeless romantic optimist that I was then, just had a lot of triggers to process and now move slower in relationships these days, but my belief that what I was after is out there hasn't really waned. In fact, that annoying voice that says I haven't gone through everything that I have to settle is what's making it difficult to feel settled in my now. I truly adore Champlain, and I want to let myself fall into it, but because the long term feels untouchable with him, I'm holding back. In four months I'll turn 32 and this idea of starting a family at 35 feels super close all of a sudden. I want the opportunity to have at least two years of marriage child free to create a strong foundation of what we look like without the stress of child rearing, to bank a bunch of memories to pull from when we need to and so when you do the math, that means getting married at 33. Sooooo yea, I feel like I'm running out of time. 

I think part of why Jane the Virgin was as triggering as it was is because part of that story echoed the day dream I once had where the man and I had a little boy together, just like Jane and Raf and that while Raf had love for Petra and of course cared most about being a good father to his twin daughters, he and Jane were meant to be, just like believed I was made for the man. There was definitely a time where I thought how perfect that would all be, be a part time mother figure for a few years and then when I was ready to have my world turned upside down, we'd have one of our own, and ideally a little boy and I would have my inner idea of a perfect family with three kids. Last weekend with my sister and after binging JTV, I finally grieved the part of me that had been so eager to be able love on these twin baby girls that I'd been watching grow up and had worried about from afar for almost their entire lives. It's wild to be sad about the loss of something that never existed, just only in your dreams. 

While a life with the man would not have been easy, I know that I was very capable of handling it with grace but I do try to take solace in the fact that I don't have to navigate something like that. I do have the true freedom of having a clean slate with someone and making our own family that doesn't have to ever be shared or part time, and for the most part these days I'm so happy for the man that he doesn't have to miss out on anything from his daughter's lives. 

Right now I'm telling myself I don't have to make any decisions until I'm vaccinated, but I'm still over thinking a bit about meeting Champlain's mother this weekend. I really want to be building towards a future with someone and I'm just not secure enough in this relationship for that to feel like that's what I'm doing.

The first and the last

I was just laying in bed trying to turn off my brain to get some sleep but I'm currently binging through Jane the Virgin and with all the convoluted love stories of people breaking up and coming back together, the man is on my mind.  The last few episodes were so focused on all the twists and turns and crazy things that had to happen to bring the characters to their nows. They even went back to the beginning for some of them. Just now I was realizing I vividly remember every first kiss we shared, but the last ones, not as much and I wonder if it's because every time I never knew it was the last one so I just wasn't paying enough attention for the memory to stick. But each of those firsts, there had been such a build up, I knew they were important.

I remember the first time we ever interacted in the hallway outside of the ladies room that I had just left and he acted like he didn't know who I was, even though he later told me he did. That apparently we both had noticed one another, recognized an instant attraction, and a strange pull and desire to know one another. 

Years later in the beginnings of my divorce and two short weeks, of inappropriate conversations and one on one walks, that felt like an eternity, he made that offer to drive me to the shore. That very first kiss in that boat on the beach with the steady crashing of the waves will probably forever be the best first kiss I've ever had. The combination of having wanted it to happen for years at that point, and then being teased with the potential for those weeks and knowing it wasn't allowed, just made it all the more tantalizing. I don't remember the last kiss... I know it must have been a quick peck as I left his place that Sunday morning before I would later confess to my sister my transgressions and then tell him that until he made a lasting decision and determined his marriage was not salvageable we needed to be over. I remember when he begged to talk in person, and we sat in my car, in the parking lot outside of the barnes and noble that haunts me to this day any time I visit that shopping center, and I asked if I could touch him as we both cried. Not even to kiss him even though I wanted to, but just to comfort him and he told me no and I felt my heart break just a little bit more. 

Two and half years later he would randomly text me one night after reaching out via the work communicator earlier that week, breaking a nearly six month span of zero contact, not even friendly chats around the office. He would tell me that he and his wife were separated and that he was getting a divorce and that he wanted to see me. We would meet up at a park and sit in my car and he would share the crazy that had been his life the last few weeks and then almost as if no time had passed I would find myself basically on his lap and fervently kissing him while also feeling his hesitation. Even so, he invited me over that night, and even though so much of me knew it was such a bad idea and I should have kept my distance, I had spent those years feeling almost nothing and it was intoxicating to feel so alive. Again I don't remember the last kiss just that it was probably a quick peck as he met me in my car on my birthday before I headed back to Pittsburgh when he told me he no longer thought coming out to visit me was a good idea. Four days later we would fight over text and it was clear he had not decided at all if he was really getting divorced and I told him he was a selfish asshole for reaching out to me and blocked him on my phone. I would spend the summer trying to forget the reunion had happened at all and did my best to immerse myself in my life out there with new friends and a cute boy who was infatuated with me. I tried to tell him everything was temporary... but it didn't matter. 

Shortly after spending a week home, the very day I finally had the guts to end things with the boy and stop using him as a crutch the man reached out with an email telling me he missed me and asking when we would see each other. I told him I didn't know but that I needed him to leave me alone. But it only took a sappy romance and a few glasses of wine for me to text him late one night not even two days later asking if he was still awake. During that conversation he would tell me he loved me for the first time in three years. A little over a week later we agreed to meet up. I remember sitting on Buddha's couch, stalling to meet him, nervous as fuck knowing I was opening the door again to someone who had the power to pulverize my heart. I went anyways, and after walking around the park and chatting and catching up and recognizing that the timing was still shit, we stood by our cars and I mustered up the courage to ask him if he meant what he said, if he still loved me. He told me he did and asked if he could kiss me. It was soft, and sweet, and tentative and the desire for more was difficult to dampen. We parted ways with the idea that we would try friendship but we failed at that. Yet again, I don't remember the last kiss because I don't think we did when I walked into his office on his birthday after finding out he had been there for a while and he hadn't told me and his expression just looked guilty and so I just sat in the seat across from him. We then proceeded to have the most heart breaking conversation of my life, and then I followed it up with awkwardly giving the man who had just broken up with me,  the cheesy gift I made to help replenish his buckets of alone time, quality time together, and time outside the relationship. I know I went over the top with it, but at the time I felt so helpless in being able to ease the burdens of his life and everything that was going on...I know we eventually hugged and accidentally spilled my mocha mint iced coffee everywhere, but I don't remember a kiss and I don't actually remember the last time we had seen each other before that...I know the last time I ever spent a night next to him was the night of the holiday party a week prior.

It would be a long ten months before we'd be alone together again. After two months of going back and forth about possibly meeting up, on the third time we made plans, I didn't bail. I wore a dress, put my hair up, and couldn't believe I was surprised by how immediately the desire to kiss him returned as soon as I opened my door to greet him. We awkwardly hugged and I ran back up to get my purse and we walked to the bar. We didn't eat, I'm not sure my nerves would have allowed me to if we had...just drinks, and we chatted about whatever, I no longer remember, I just remember making him laugh and seeing him smile. It had been almost six months since I left the firm and it was just so nice to see him. We closed the tab and walked back to my place and up the stairs and I gave a "tour" of the two rooms and could feel myself rambling trying to calm my nerves because I had no idea how things were going to progress and then all of a sudden he practically lunged towards me, grabbed my face in his hands and kissed me hard. It was easy after that, like always, it felt like no time had passed. I had expected him to stay the night, but the time went quickly and I remember standing on my stoop almost near eye level for once with me saying I wish it didn't have to end and him saying it didn't and me saying you know this is it. But of course it wasn't, but over those next four months, he never would spend the night. As with all the other times, I don't remember the last kiss...I know it had to have been that afternoon delight a few days before things imploded, but it had been a quick encounter, I don't even remember getting a decent view of his face. We made genuine lunch plans for the next day, but he had to runoff after forgetting a prior engagement, and I just sat there eating my food. I didn't even hug him, and I never would again. I would beat myself up about that for years to come.

A few months later I would see him briefly across a crowded bar, slowly working up the courage to interact, and had brought a sketch of the tattoo I was currently planning as an ice breaker, because I will forever be an overthinker. By the time I had the nerve to ask a mutual friend if they had seen him recently, they told me he had left. I would reach out saying as much, but the conversation was like pulling teeth. I had no idea he was already trying again with his wife. I wouldn't figure that out until over a month later after seeing him in person for the last time but never interacting. It's been over a year and a half since then, and over a year since the last time he communicated with me, and that was just to avoid one another at a social event. The last time I reached out was last May after an internet stalking session informed me of the passing of his grandmother and I was feeling nostalgic as I was packing up my life to move to yet another state. He never acknowledged and the finality of us being strangers finally sank in. 

For so long I was so convinced that it was real and genuine and that I had been made to love him. That everything in my life that I had endured had prepared me to be capable of being what he needed and in return I finally had someone I was completely sure about. It was the best feeling to have zero doubts. I had fears and worries, but no doubts that he was what I wanted. 

The voice that says I was just a vacation home for his penis, a band aid for his ego, and a free therapist for his problems, grew pretty loud. I don't hear it so often these days, thankfully the heavy sadness that once tainted everything is no longer this ever present thing. Instead it pops in every now and then, some triggers I can anticipate, others catch me off guard. Right now it makes me sad how hard it is to believe it was ever love, because I genuinely never wanted to reach that place, but alas, here we are. So much of me wonders how the man frames these memories in his life story and if I ever was anything other than a mistake. 

The time will come...

I should already be in bed, but I'm waiting for midnight Denver time, Buddha has had a hell of year and I want to call and leave a message right as she enters a new year of life and on the day of a new moon no less. She deserves a fresh start. But while I wait for that it's probably worth while trying to think through what is going on. I've been thinking more about the man lately and I haven't a clue why. Like I knew I would around his birthday, but why is it lingering? Why do I feel myself wanting him to reach out? I really don't understand. I decided to do some social media canvassing and discovered tonight one of his best friends is finally dating someone seriously enough to be featured in the profile picture and I was genuinely excited for this person I met once and had only one other long conversation via instagram with. I truly wanted to know all the people in his life that were important to him and I wanted to know him through their eyes, if that makes sense. 

Champlain doesn't have any life long friends like that, the one he did turned into a conspiracy nut while they were in college and he no longer keeps in touch, but last weekend I did meet a bunch of his climbing friends at an outdoor bonfire. It was truly a fun and enjoyable night and I feel like I could really form my own friendships with some of these people, but then I found myself wondering what was the point. This isn't my forever, it's just right now, why invest in something that won't go anywhere and now I'm in a weird funk about everything. I'm starting to have these thought loops of what is the point, has my life improved with the addition of him? If I take away the sex, what is left? I'm struggling to answer that...we've been talking a lot lately about his finances and such and while what someone makes is not important to me, I did start to wonder if he would just be someone I felt like had to take care of or compensate for...especially when we've started talking about traveling when it's safe to do so and that's not a cheap hobby. He's my main source of human contact right now, and we do enjoy each other's company for sure and have similar senses of humor and he's teaching me about gaming and he's helpful with making dinner and cleaning up after, but he has WRECKED all the progress I made in having a bed time and routine. I literally have not managed to stick with it for more than a day or two since we started dating. He's a night owl worse than me and it just hasn't been good. But mostly I find myself wondering if it means anything at all that I don't get excited to see him the way I once did to see the man...I definitely was excited to see Champlain after my trip to South Dakota, and for a long time hangouts with the man were just so irregular and so many timespans of months apart...Yet I remember times when we were on and still working together and I would literally see him everyday and interact a decent amount through out the day and yet I would still get these crazy excited butterflies when I had plans with him. I miss that feeling, I miss being that into someone. I really thought the world of him and meant it when I told him he was my favorite. 

Maybe as Champlain and I move further along and I actually fall in love with him, it will change, or maybe because I know there's no future, it will never get there.  I was so tired of being alone and feeling like I wasn't anyone's top priority but this nagging thought that I haven't found what I'm looking for and there's more effort ahead of me to actually find it won't shut up. I want so badly to have someone to love and do kind and considerate things for... I bought him a bunch of stuff for valentines and his birthday and it's probably too much, but they're mostly things he needs and I wanted to and I care about him a lot, but I am definitely feeling myself holding back because it can't be forever, I don't get to fully relax because I know "my search" isn't over.

I know that's part of why I held on to the man for as long as I did, I got wrapped up in that feeling of surety that he was everything I had ever hoped to find in a partner and there was no point to look elsewhere, I just needed to figure out how to make it work. Perhaps a part of me is still too stubborn to admit I was wrong. I really thought I knew him, and I really believed it to be love, but can you actually love someone who never really let you in? Sometimes I find myself revisiting his words when he told me he was sorry for everything, that he knew things didn't work out how I had hoped, but that he had always loved me and had never meant to hurt me. On bad days I used to search through our gchat history just reread that exchange, it's burned into my memory now. It's good I deleted all of it, it truly has made a difference that when I do miss him, I really can't dive back into all the memories the way I used to. 

Perhaps I'm focusing on the man because he's still my benchmark of what I want, but in reality that's so not true. I don't want an indecisive, deceptive, selfish and ambivalent partner. I want someone with convictions and determination that knows they want me in their life and doesn't take me for granted and thinks they're lucky to have met me and to be loved by me. I would choose that over the messed up always an almost without a doubt. I know Champlain feels lucky to have me in his life and doesn't take me for granted and aside from the kids conversation, does see longterm and right now that's enough. I'm allowed to revel in the happy of now, even if it's not forever and I've never been one to be ok with being partially in, so if this is my life right now, and he's who I'm choosing to give my energy to, then that's what I've decided to be all in on and I should go for it. The time will come when it cannot progress further, I don't have to preemptively make that happen, not when there's so many other memories I'd like to make with him.

Season of Growth

Welp it's been a while since I've written which is usually an indicator that I'm pretty happy and I'd say that's accurate. There definitely was some heavy stuff at the end of the year, but I've really solidified my support network and have such a healthy and communicative relationship with Champlain that honestly I don't really feel like it was traumatizing at all. I did feel the need to write about it, but not here... I know that no one really reads this blog anymore now that it's no longer about my travel adventures, but there's a few people that seem to. Shout out to the dedicated reader from Germany! There's also someone from Portugal that reads every time there's a new post here, and then some other random iphone users here in the states so no real easy way to narrow that down. I know Burdman reads every once in a while, and my buddy I met while in Grad school, and maybe even that random dude that reached out to me via instagram a year after we matched on OkC. I guess there will always be things that don't feel like they're meant for public consumption even if there's anonymity to it. 

I think I'm here tonight because I just want to process some of what I felt this week. The man's birthday was on Thursday and I wrote this last year on his birthday:

"Six years ago you were my friend and I offered to babysit your brand new baby girls for your birthday. Five years ago I lamented about not being able to give you a birthday blowie. Four years ago I was busy enough with grad school to not reach out. Three years ago your wife was two months into an affair with a woman and you were still unaware. Two years ago you broke my heart for the third time. Last year you made a sex video with me. This year, we are strangers.

I'm not sure our story will ever make sense to me. I'm not sure I'll ever understand what I ever did to deserve the kind of hurt I've endured because of loving you. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why you've never been able to say goodbye to me and instead leave me hurting and confused in the silence.

I hope next year when I realize it's your birthday it won't hurt as much as it fucking does right in this moment that I can't say anything to you. I hope eventually it stops hurting at all. I'd wish to forget it's your birthday, but I know I never will."

I finally was able to have the Boudoir shoot in early November that I booked at the end of 2019 for March of 2020 that obviously got cancelled and I got my digital prints back at the beginning of the year. The book is beautiful and honestly when I first looked through it, I almost forgot it was me. They did such a good job and it feels like I'm looking at art. I wanted to share them, but again, they also kinda felt like something that wasn't exactly for public consumption, so I ended up cropping ten of them so that they weren't risque at all and shared them on his birthday so that in the future, I get to be reminded of that empowering experience instead of what I lost. Usually the day before his birthday the pictures with my sister from the Women's March will pop up and all I ever think is that was the last day I was truly happy for about two years. I really have never experienced sadness and hurt quite like I did those nearly five months I was still at our old firm after he ended things and before I left for my current firm. It was a really difficult time and now it's been three years since that crushing day and that sad girl feels like a distant dream and I'm so fucking grateful for that. 

I still think about the man and wonder if he is happy and wonder what he thinks of me, but it's not an ever present thing the way it once was. I definitely wish I didn't give any energy to thoughts of him, but I know with time, I'll get there, just like with time I got to my now. Right now my life is work, cooking fun meals for me and Champlain, lots of great sex, and lots of Community our current show and some time with my sister sprinkled in. Density and I met up last weekend to go disc golfing and throw the frisbee around and I was SO pumped when I got home I went for a run! It was like the little push I needed to start it up again and I ran a few times during the week and will go for one tomorrow. I spent some time studying today and have a schedule planned out to get through all the material and I just feel like I'm finally on track in my life instead of feeling behind. I can feel myself falling in love again, and even though long term is probably not a thing with him almost positive he doesn't want kids ever, I'm excited for the foreseeable future and all the adventures we'll share. I've started calling him my Maryland boyfriend internally and I think that's just a healthy way of staying grounded in my current reality. Come 2022 when my current lease is up and I'll be ready to finally buy something we'll see where things stand and if I wanna stay down here or go back to Philly or maybe somewhere else, who knows. 

I'm excited that I have a decent amount of time before things will be turned upside down again and really do feel like I'm on the cusp of leveling up in my life and I can't wait to meet the me that's on the other side of this season of growth.

Change of Seasons

Life will never cease to amaze me with how quickly things can change, and how much can happen in just under a month. I'm really grateful I listened to my gut and moved forward with the Life Coach I've been working with because her methods are more activity based and I think really helped me get out of the rut I had been in. She's big on positive affirmations and improving your self talk, but also tangible activities to help further ground what you're working on. She assigned me this burn letter activity in early October where I was supposed to write out points of what was holding me back and keeping me from growing and moving forward, and then I had to burn it. I've been well aware for a long time the biggest thing that has been blocking me from being present was my persistence in staying tethered to the past by holding on so fucking tightly to all the memories. Allowing myself to have these obsessive spurts of checking all social media, re-reading emails, scanning through our chat history and maintaining a photo album of pictures of him was providing easy access to low dose hits of my favorite drug. Almost immediately after she assigned the task, I knew I had to finally delete everything. I wasn't really ready for it, I definitely struggled with the idea of it, and I definitely had an attachment to all of it, as if it was my only proof that any of it happened and had ever been real. I cried a lot that week any time I tried to psyche myself up to do it and I listened to my Someday spotify playlist on repeat all week long. 

But during this same week I finally had a video date with the one guy that felt promising and we ended up chatting for 5 hours and scheduled an in person socially distant date for that Friday. Our Friday date ended up lasting 24 hours. It was a rollercoaster of a day and I honestly still can't get over how quickly we've fallen into the level of comfort we have with each other, there is a familiarity to it, and we both feel it. Part of me is tempted to write all about it, while it's still relatively fresh, but it's a day I'm not sure I'm ever going to forget. It's the first time since my divorce where something romantic is just easy. Every other interaction I've had over the last six years either I was still too fucked up from my marriage or things with the man, or the guy I was seeing wasn't actually emotionally available, like both parties were never fully present. While I'm obviously still processing my own trauma, I for once am no longer in that space of still longing for the man. I still miss him, and still love him, and I think finally accepted I always will, but I just am no longer stuck in that limiting belief that knowing that, means I'm doomed to feel empty for the rest of my days. The Monday morning after the date and the day of my next session where I should have done this letter burning activity I decided I still wanted to do that, but wanted to give it the full attention it deserved  and would do so on the 16th with the new moon. However being the competitive person I am and needing to feel like I made some progress since the previous one, I found the push I needed to delete it all. Six years worth of emails, chats, texts, and photos and I deleted all of it. It was kind of astounding how much there actually was to delete, reminded me that while we never reached the place of having a full blown relationship, it really was something deep. I had already blocked him on social media a few weeks prior after a session because I knew seeing anything about his now wasn't helping me to stop wondering if he's actually happy, and I have to truly accept his life is none of my business. I also decided to take down the blog that was purely dedicated to all the things I wished I could say to him. I feel so much lighter, I really do, and have realized so much of the pain I was in was out of habit. I had these habits of re-opening my fucking wound, but now even if I wanted to, I really can't to the same degree.  

During the session later that night, I ended spending a chunk of time gushing about this new guy but also saying how much I wanted to make sure I was staying grounded in reality, that I knew I had the tendency to get attached to the potential I see and get ahead of myself. My next activity was to list out all the things I really wanted in a man and it made me think about my list I made when I first got out of my marriage and shared with the man. But it also made me think about this night now almost two years ago where I had recently read something about how you have to be as specific with your intentions as possible to truly attract them and it happened to be a full moon when I was walking home from grabbing some wine and just started listing out all my favorite parts of all the men I've really loved. I want the friendship and chemistry I had with the man, I want the devotion I had with my Sailor, I want the always laughing easy going-ness of how things were with my First everything, I want the thoughtfulness and kindness that Density has always shown me, I want someone to call me out on my bullshit like Burdman does, I just want someone to share my life with and see this world with. 

Right now the way things have been with this new guy, I really think he could be all that and I'm excited to find out. Last weekend he was totally on-board to go pumpkin picking with me and my sister and her bf. If I had any friends in the area, I probably would have asked to do that with them, but she's all I have and he was comfortable with it. It was such a fun day and he really got along with my sister's bf which was incredible to see and honestly was a wild experience in general because I've never done that with my sister, she was young when I was married and wasn't focused on a relationship at the time. We ended up having dinner together and watching the Evil Dead which is SO bad it's great. We finally headed out and I thought I was taking him home and he was like I wouldn't mind another night together to which I replied well I really need to shower and clean up this kitchen if I'm going to be able to relax and without missing a beat he said "Alright well get in the shower and I'll clean the dishes." I didn't even take a long shower and when I got out he was sitting on the ottoman playing with Lady and the kitchen was clean. Multiple times now he has said how lucky he feels to have found me and tells me I'm perfect. Our conversations flow very easily and we have similar senses of humor but I definitely still don't know him, and am doing my best to acknowledge that while I'm really enjoying my time with him, and how kind and considerate he his overall but also in the bedroom, I haven't seen him interact with anyone in his life yet and my marriage really showed me how eye opening that can be in understanding who a person really is and what they care about. No matter what happens and how long this lasts, it feels like my pleas of no longer wanting to do everything alone have been answered and I will eagerly cherish however many memories I get to make with this person. We actually both went to school in Burlington and his name is the same as the professor that I made out with while engaged and should have been my fucking stop sign in getting married... There's something about it that feels full circle and we've already talked about how we'd like to take a visit to see Lake Champlain so I think for now I really like the idea of his nickname being Champlain.  

I've been home in PA for a few days for a dentist appointment, to vote, see some friends and some work stuff tomorrow. I knew this visit was coming when I had my last session and my current task is to journal about how being home makes me feel now, because during an early session I was here and was anxious af and found myself searching for the man. Coach wanted me to make note of the differences now that I'm so clearly in a different headspace. I'm definitely not anxious the same way, when I'm near where he lives I'm definitely still hyper vigilant and there's definitely parts of me still wondering if I'll bump into him, but that longing to see him is just not there the way it was. I think my ego would still like confirmation that I have not been forgotten, but the need for that validation just kinda feels like a whisper now. There's definitely still a lot of memory triggers being home, but my reaction to the memories is not such a visceral one anymore.   

I'm really just pumped to see what this next month will bring and REALLY fucking hope the Cheeto is no longer such a prominent part of the fucking news cycle. If they actually manage to do anything with campaign refinance they better have a fucking clause that you can only campaign for 6 months prior to the election, I'm so fucking fatigued with all these political ads. I hope we finally see the change in this country that is deserved.

Genuine

Welp I should definitely be sleeping already, I have to get up early to do work stuff I should have done this weekend and just didn't... I honestly thought I'd have a chance to work for a few hours tonight but I got completely sidetracked by my family. My youngest brother just tested positive. I haven't had any direct experience with COVID, just distant stories of people that someone I kinda know, knows.  My dad visited with him and my other brother on Wednesday and I saw my dad for the first time since February on Friday with my sister. At the moment, my brother thinks he was exposed after his visit with my dad, but it's hard to know, so now I'm in this weird headspace of did he give it to my dad, and have I possibly caught from my dad?? I had to come to PA for a bunch of obligations and my twin is freaking out. I've been secluded to the spare room and the basement. Based on when others have been able to make appointments, I should know rather definitively if I've been exposed by Thursday. It's definitely nerve wracking all around, wondering about how serious do I need to be about isolating and how sick will my brother get.

I think I'm here because my brain is going a mile a minute and I know I need to just get some of it out if I have any hope of getting to sleep soon. I know there's really not much I can actually do to change the situation but that acknowledgement doesn't seem to help me relax about it. Additionally I have my second session with my new counselor after work tomorrow. She's not a licensed therapist, but has other certificates and I just have a good vibe about her and the first session went well so I'm leaning into it. Our focus is healing the trauma and the pain from the off again on again mess with the man. It had been a long time since I had told the whole story especially the beginning, and how it had felt to fall for him. Most of the time now that I ever acknowledge it is in a super truncated way with romantic prospects when I explain part of why I've been single for six years. Since the first session I've been doing a lot of thinking about what is my goal, what do I want for myself in more concrete terms than just the vague "I want to be healed". I don't write in the blog dedicated to the things I wish I could say to him nearly as much as I once did and the urge has most definitely decreased in a significant way. I know that's progress for sure but in the last entry which was a little over a week ago I said that I just don't want to feel the sadness anymore and I think I need to expand on that idea more and what that means. Like if I were to ever see him again, what would be the ideal outcome of that interaction? What kind of a woman do I want to be?  I will never be able to control or anticipate his choices and actions, but I can 100% control my own. So maybe if I think about how I would like that to go down, I can more accurately identify the place I want to reach, to be able to handle that interaction the way I want to. 

There definitely have been times where I've thought of that chance, and there are moments where I want to treat him like he's nothing, the nothing he makes me feel like... others I just want him to regret his choice.  Mostly though, the idea that he could possibly interact with me like we are friends would piss me off, and I envision myself rebuking and saying something like, we are not friends, please don't put on a show like we are, which most likely would cause a little bit of a scene because the only time we'd ever run into each other again would be at a social networking type deal for my profession amongst other former colleagues. I think that reaction is very much tied into the anger I still have that he chose to no longer acknowledge my existence and the idea he would be so casual feels insulting. But that reaction would just reinforce this idea that I cause drama and I make his life harder and I'm so fucking done with that narrative especially because in all actuality that man is the one who has repeatedly chosen to re-enter my life when his life was chaos and brought his drama into mine knowing full well I loved him too much to say no. Instead I want the interaction to reflect my truth, and no matter all the pain and the hurt and my bruised ego, all of me knows my truth is that I love this man, more than I've ever loved anyone and I wanted to share my life with him more than I have ever wanted anything. I never got to a place where I believed him not to be the kind of partner that I have been holding out for, and even though he never fully chose me back in subsequent rounds, I never forgot how it felt in the beginning, and was so convinced that once he put the work in to reclaim his life, we could have that level of connection back. I would catch glimpses of it across the years, in these moments where it seemed he got out of his head enough and all the things he felt were what was expected of him, and was just there with me. It just continued to fuel my hope and belief that we were perfect for each other and it was so worth muddling through the mayhem of the circumstances. By the end of the 4th round my belief about what we could have together hadn't changed at all, but I no longer felt the we of it, I felt so fucking alone, more alone than just being on my own, and it felt clear that whatever he had to go through, I couldn't be a part of it. I want a life partner and he wasn't even open to the idea of us ever trying again and I just couldn't continue breaking my own heart. 

I think what I want is to be able to act in a way the aligns with my true feelings which are I love him, and I always will, and I just want him to be happy, even if I'm not a part of it. You don't have to be with someone or have a future with them to feel that and want that. When he thinks about me, I want him to just always know that's a person that loves me and wants what is best for me. So if that's what I want, I need to get to a place where if I ever see him again I can warmly greet him the same way I greet all the people in my life that I love but still respect the boundary that he is married. There's definitely a lot of hurt to let go of, but I really do think I could get there and I mean genuinely be in that place. I don't want to fake being nice and cordial, I want to be genuinely happy to see the face of someone I love and care about and authentically wish them well on their life endeavors. 

Cataclysmic

For a short time, this day was my wedding anniversary, now it is lovingly dubbed Liz Independence Day thanks to my sister. Typically she and I will make a weekend out of it, but it's a Monday this year and I have a board meeting tonight... I'd say I celebrated my independence by taking myself out on a date this Saturday. Was up relatively early for a weekend, I've been doing that lately, going to bed closer to my weekday bedtime has been a good move. Headed down to Canton and checked out the waterfront park and read for a bit, then got myself some ice cream from Coldstone for the first time in forever, hit up the grocery store so I could make some homemade pesto and made myself a little pizza and watched the latest episode of The Boys. That show is super enjoyable, so gloriously graphic and irreverent. 

After being there for a bit looking around I looked up and realized I was reading in front of Pier 16, one of my favorite numbers, and it just felt like a little nod from the universe that I was exactly where I was supposed to be. It was genuinely such a nice day in the sun and exciting to wear my jean jacket for the first time in a while.

I got some new sunglasses. I had attempted for them to be my first ever prescription sunglasses but Lenscrafters called to inform me that I'm so fucking blind that the lens were too fat to fit in these Ray Bans. I liked them too much not to still buy them, but their computer system was down and the lady felt bad for me and said she was going to work some magic and said I didn't have to pay for them! I'm pretty she sure made a mistake with that because I picked out other frames for the prescription sunglasses but as of now I got killer shades for free. 

Almost finished reading Ibram X. Kendi's book about how to be an Antiracist that I've been in a book club with some board members. It's been eye opening for sure and I'm really glad we were all willing to read it with such intentionality and discuss its impact and our lived experiences with each other.

Ya'll oreo cookies mashed in their creamy mint is *chef's kiss*

The first flowers I bought in MD stayed in my office, these I bought on impulse at the grocery store because it was all my favorite fall colors!

Homemade pesto with onions, peppers, and mushrooms.

The lighting in my bathroom made the purple REALLY stand out. I'm thoroughly enjoying it, but I definitely have a bit of a mullet going on. I can't wait to shave off the one side and the underneath.

Lady says cheers!

I'm genuinely really happy with my life, but it's definitely wild to acknowledge that had I chosen to stay, I would be celebrating 8 years of marriage and most definitely would be a mother by now. When there's so much of me that genuinely wants to have a life partner and to be a mom, I thought I'd be more bummed today but I'm not at all, it's just another day. I got back on that dating horse and reactivated my profiles and the first week there was a lot of matches, a handful of people I've chatted with, had three dates set up and everyone bailed for one reason or another. I'm not putting a whole lot of effort into it, there's one person that seems promising but I'm really trying to be conscious this time about not allowing myself to get attached to the potential I see versus staying grounded in the reality of the current circumstances. 

Apricot called me Saturday and we talked for an hour while I was putting groceries away and then making myself dinner. It was really nice to catch up, we have had these catch up chats like every 6 months or so since I left Pittsburgh. I'm really happy that we're in that similar place I've reached with my first love, where it's known that we're rooting for each other's happiness and that contact is welcomed and will be warmly received. It's been a very long time since I've felt loved and appreciated in a romantic context so his kind words about my positive impact on his life and the lessons he learned was genuinely very uplifting to hear. He was telling me about the woman he had been seeing for much of the last year and how similar some of their trajectory was to ours, again he has found himself involved with someone who isn't actually emotionally available, but it seems there's a higher chance that they could eventually make something work.

It prompted me to acknowledge that I too seem to have this tendency to attract people who can't actually choose me back and that in these situations we tell ourselves if I love them enough, if I'm patient enough, understanding enough, they will see this and be grateful and love me back. However the fatal flaw with that line of thought is believing that love has to be earned, when in reality love is deserved in all of our variations and if you're in something where it feels like you have to earn their love, you gotta nope the fuck out. After I said it to him, I knew I was saying something that I also needed to hear and be reminded of... it was definitely a very therapeutic conversation, especially to hear a voice so familiar and that I associate with being cared for. 

This past week was not great for Buddah though, and I honestly am not sure about the future of her current relationship and I realized I could not really offer unbiased advice, the situation is too much like my marriage. I ended up telling her to reach out to the man, that he'd be able to give the perspective of deciding to stay and work through things when they're really bad. She acknowledged that she hadn't even thought of that but agreed it was probably worth doing. I'm so curious though now to know what his advice would be, I think perhaps there are still parts of me looking for confirmation he's truly happy and hasn't just settled. Hard to know the truth, so  I'm just trying to focus more on the fact that his life is none of my business and no matter the past and all our history, now is all that counts, and right now, we're strangers. 

I still have the desire to know him though and I'm really not sure if that feeling will ever really go away, but as it stands now, there is no longer a part of me that wants to reach out. There's nothing left to say at this point, honestly a weird fucking feeling for me, but it's true. The only thing I can do now is to love from afar and respect that he has chosen a life without me. I have to stop reinforcing my internal narrative that he is the love of my life, and acknowledge he was a cataclysmic love that changed me to my core and opened my eyes to what unconditional love really means. I have been so afraid that I was doomed to feel a little bit empty for the rest of my days because no one else would ever be him completely ignoring the fact that I am still me. I acknowledged it once before, that this loving heart of mine that knows how to love that deeply still knows how to do that, but I think so much of me was still convinced I would never feel as understood as I always did by him. A phrase that I've used before is to feel understood is to not feel so alone and in repairing my relationship with my twin, and focusing on the relationship I have with myself, I don't feel the same kind of loneliness I once did. I have a sense that a partner is still a while off for me and while I absolutely miss companionship, I think being too eager for it is what led to the recent heartbreak from this summer and being triggered back to all the times I lost the man. 

I'm officially open to the idea of meeting someone, but finally it no longer feels like my primary focus and that feels like a really great fucking headspace to be in.  

No Answers

No progress on the new therapist front and I need to put it higher on the list of shit I need to do. I'm recognizing my patterns of depression... the binging show after show, the not eating regular meals at consistent times, the total lack of a sleep schedule and the general apathy. Forced myself to participate in the Friday group videochat with girls from grad school even though part of me wanted to bail. I'm glad I did for sure, I need to do more of that. Other times in my life where I knew I was allowing myself to wallow in the sad things I would distract myself with sports and activities but that's really fucking hard to do right now. Right now I can go like an entire week without actually spending time outside and that has certainly not been fucking good for me and my sanity. However I went for a super short run outside yesterday, it felt good, first time I ran since maybe April? My average daily steps have dropped to like 3,000 and my sleep has dipped below 6 hours...I've been taking naps but like not the helpful kind. Instead it's the ones that cause you to stay up too late and not actually correct your fucking sleep schedule. I still have not really made any head way in studying and it's hard to even understand why not when I know so well that this isn't the kind of thing you can wing and that without passing this test I can't move forward in my career. 

I don't know what the fuck I'm doing right now I just know that I'm not being a very loving person to myself. I'm not doing any of the things I should be doing to continue making this life of mine one that I want. I think that's why I am here tonight because yea I should probably be in bed already or maybe even doing some work stuff if I'm not sleepy, but a part of me knows if I don't take the time to sit and think through all of this and figure out what the fuck is going on with me, how am I going to fix it? How do I make it better? Why am I purposefully and knowingly sabotaging myself? Why do I allow my emotions to derail me so significantly? Why don't I seem to possess the discipline I so clearly need to become the version of myself I know I want and can be? 

I don't have any answers I just know that I think I've finally reached a breaking point with myself, and I'm sick of my own shit. I'm sick of being sad about losing someone that I never actually had. I'm sick of this story I keep telling myself that I'm good for the fun stuff but not the building a life with when there is quite literally always someone trying to be with me. It's frustrating I don't seem to reciprocate with the ones who actually want to try, but I have to fucking acknowledge that their existence and persistence in some makes this narrative I've been allowing to fester null and void. I talked to Shiloh on the phone on Friday, he has been seeing someone and yet the majority of the time he was telling me about her he kept comparing how it was with us and I honestly wasn't sure how I was supposed to be reacting. I wasn't sure if I was meant to be jealous and to say yea we were good for each other stop bothering with her or what. I was mostly drained when we talked, being home for a few days and interacting with way more people than I have been was a lot on my system. I don't know where his head is really at, but I know I've done a decent job at no longer considering him an option and moving him back to the friends basket and I don't think anything about right now makes me want to reconsider that. He's still in such fucking limbo in nearly every facet of his life and I'm tired of having to manage other people's feelings. The actor ghosted me after I was very blunt about how triggering the dynamic had become for me and low and behold, him ignoring me triggered me even more. To this day I can't understand how the man could just stop acknowledging my existence but at the same time I do? It's confusing...like I get that my existence and interaction with me only complicates his life, but no matter all the shitty aspects of all our history across the years, I know I could never be capable of ignoring him, or ever pretending I didn't care. I know part of why the lack of motivation and focus has been worse lately is due to being triggered back to all of this, so perhaps I have more concerted work to do on how do I actually let go of this because clearly I haven't. 

I know there's lingering feelings of the outcome of it all being unfair, but is that objectively true? When I sit in that feeling of unfairness it's because I don't think I ever got the chance to truly be with the man and there's this voice that says if I had, if I had been given more than a few months of regular contact, cuz that's all I ever got during each of the 4 stints, just a few months, and they were always in secret, some to a lesser degree, but still never anything fully out in the world, that maybe he could have had the chance to see everything I could see when I pictured our future. I think a part of me still believes that if he could have seen how different a relationship with me was from what he had resigned himself to, he would have chosen me. However, objectively, me feeling like it's unfair I never got that chance is kinda bullshit because if I was playing fair and by the rules of marriage, I'd have never interacted with him like that at all. I think I reject that aspect of it because it sucks being reduced down to nothing more than a mistake because somehow that causes me to feel less than enough when the very gift he gave me after my marriage was feeling like being just me was more than enough. I think it's that contradiction that fucks with my head and makes it hard to process everything that has happened over the past six years. Way back when it started, he played a major role in helping me see my worth again, but by the end of this back and forth hellscape I felt more worthless than I had in my marriage. I hate even admitting that now because somehow I still think the world of this man yet I have to acknowledge his actions have caused me immense pain. Yet how much of his actions are truly reprehensible and how much of the hurt is because I had expectations that weren't grounded in the reality of the situation and the circumstances. It's hard for me to fully explore that, it's hard not to be biased. He always tried to be honest with me, he didn't always do a great job of actually expressing what he was going through, and how he felt, but in his own fucked up way I know he tried to protect me from himself. Part of me knows he genuinely believed he was a dead end for me and would never be able to give me what he thought I deserved. I don't think he ever fully grasped how hard it is for me to feel like myself around others, to not feel like I'm trying, like I'm putting on a show to a degree. As I've gotten older I definitely have managed to find more people where it doesn't feel like I have to try all that much, but I've yet to come across a connection that felt like the one with him. With him I just existed and I don't really have another way of putting it. I think that's a big part of why I don't like how things ended with him just no longer responding and never a goodbye and feeling like nothing more than a mistake, because I once believed how he made me feel about myself, I did the same for him and this mutuality was so important to me and how things stand now it makes it difficult to believe that. I think that I have the need to believe it was real because if it wasn't, what am I holding out for? I got a glimpse of it with this actor guy, but again he has disappeared and I feel like none of it actually happened and it makes me feel a little crazy to be honest. If none of it was real, what the fuck have I been doing for 6 years?!?! Like what has been the point to all of this and why do I need there to be a reason? When I asked him why he had been hanging out with me during the 4th stint that I didn't understand the point of it when he kept saying he didn't want a relationship and yet we talked every day and hung out once a week and he had even told me he loved me, he said that he was doing it because it was fun and that it was as pointless as everything else. This was during the conversation that would result in me asking for space and acknowledging I needed to just be friends and then it would quickly turn into him ignoring me. I remember worrying shortly after this that perhaps he was depressed, and maybe he was, cuz that sentiment that everything is pointless resonates right now. 

I feel like I'm rambling now and I'm not sure if this was productive, I don't really feel like I have any more answers but perhaps just acknowledging I have all these questions is enough for now. I think I wanted the actor to be this answer, to really allow me to move foward from everything with the man and instead it has brought all of the pain and hurt right back to the surface. I've cried myself to sleep the last three nights actually and instead of wishing none of it had happened, I found myself wishing I could be me six years ago just for a second so I could feel the rush of it all again when he kissed me for the first time. There have been moments when I feel myself getting sad about the loss of it all where I tell myself that maybe it's over now but those moments happened and they will exist for eternity and take solace in that. Shiloh showed me I was capable of actually letting myself see a future with someone else again and the actor showed me there are people out there that share even more common interests than I had with the man and how fun that can be, and even though both of them also hurt me, and I'm clearly still dealing with the other hurts they have triggered, I think at my core I feel the most optimistic I ever have that I really do still have an epic love waiting for me.

Still just dreaming...

Welp I must have fucking jinxed myself cuz honestly only a few days after that last post I had a ridiculously long Thursday where I accidentally locked myself out after trying to get a better signal on a work call and then being worried about Lady getting out and then quickly closing the front door with nothing in hand aside from my work cell and my notebook...which means I didn't even have my sister's number and my mom's is the only one I know by heart these days lol. After being locked out for four hours and utilizing instagram dms and my work phone thankfully lasting long enough before dying, my sister's best friend that lives pretty close to me grabbed me and we went to my sister's to help her pack and I could grab my spare keys. I finally get home a little after ten and I have video messages in facebook messenger from "my peace" *largest fucking eyeroll humanly possible* telling me that he has nothing to give and that while I think he's right for me, I'm not right for him right now because he's not even right with himself. I've gotta be some kind of a fucking magnet for men who are just not emotionally available...and clearly so over eager to have a person in my life I'm not picking up on the signs that have to fucking be there that it's not actually mutual. I've felt pretty fucking deflated the last week and a half. 

We talked more this past Monday night on the phone for a few hours and he apologized profusely for not waiting to tell me all that in person and that he just had to acknowledge that he clearly has some PTSD from his last relationship and needs to get into therapy. We agreed to get lunch together the next day and I felt so much better as soon as I saw him and we hugged for a very long time. Lunch was nice, the banter was still there, he even kissed me... I didn't want things to be over, I was excited to actually fucking try again, and said that I'm happy to go as slow as he needs to, but things feel weird. I just don't understand how things changed so quickly. I felt so blindsided and it certainly fucking triggered me back to when the man would do this to me, I would get that feeling in the pit of my stomach something was wrong and then wham out of nowhere he'd quit on me again and push me away entirely. I feel so much like I did with the man in general now,  especially when I really didn't know where I stood, and what I meant to him, and if he wanted to see me and should I reach out? Just so much fucking over thinking. I hate this. I hate the way it makes me feel about myself. I just want to be enough. I want someone to want to try as much as I do...it feels like I am even more sad right now than I have been because I got a glimpse again of what it's like to have someone. Right now we said that we would focus on ourselves until I take my PE in mid September and he gets into regular therapy but things aren't over. Honestly though I can't tell if there's anything worth salvaging...

I'm struggling to determine how much of what I'm feeling right now is directly related to the current circumstances and how much is just all the years of being in a fucked up limbo like this with the man and how much it hurt and it's being triggered hard core. The man came back and left again so many times that when I didn't hear from him for a few days or so, or it was just super stunted conversations, it was SO fucking hard not to jump to the worst conclusions, it made me a crazy and dramatic person. I know my reactions to all that made things more difficult than they needed to be, but I can't be that hard on myself because he never gave me the reassurance that it was safe. If things are going to make it any longer with... ugh I can't even call him my peace right now...actor feels more fucking accurate cuz I honestly don't even know how much of any of it was real...I definitely need some extra reassurances. Cuz that last sentence shows where I'm at, I don't trust any of it anymore and it sucks because I want to. I want to believe that just like I've experienced across the years, as I've started to let someone new in, issues from my marriage have often been triggered and it's a process to be aware, and to not project on to someone new. I told him that I am in full support of therapy and that it will really help him, but that there are some things that can't be fully healed from unhealthy relationships until you're in a healthy one and that he doesn't have to go through this alone. At the same time though, I remember how I felt after the man ended things on his birthday in 2018 where the core of the conversation was that he wasn't ready for a relationship, he didn't have the capacity for it. We talked about pretending things were still long distance, to relieve the pressure but I quickly understood you can't force someone to be ready. So I said we could be friends, but he became cold and talking felt so forced, and eventually he just stopped responding. That's basically how things went in March of 2019 as well when I asked for space and again said we can try friendship... it honestly still blows my mind that someone I had such a deep connection with and had so many intense memories with across 5 years was cool to just ghost me in the end, never an actual goodbye. That's my biggest why from all that, why didn't I deserve a goodbye? Or an acknowledgement of what we were or that I mattered to him? 

So clearly I triggered the actor, and this dynamic right now is triggering me, so is there hope? Is there a point to interacting right now when it doesn't feel easy anymore? It feels measured and calculated. I'm finding myself sending way more illicit photos, using my sexual energy to try and draw him back in and I don't think that's a good sign. It's making me feel a tad desperate and fuck that. I haven't heard from him all day today even though I know he has off. I texted him a cheeky photo this morning wishing him a good day and nothing. I'm trying to just tell myself he told me he was taking the day for himself, but I have that same sinking feeling that things are off...I want to give him the benefit of the doubt, I want to believe that we truly did click the way I felt we had and that this is just a part of the process of letting someone in after you've been deeply hurt. I stalked through his facebook a tad last week and he has a whole album dedicated to this girl. He really fucking loved her, and it feels clear he had hoped she was his forever. You would think all the hurt my heart has felt I would have learned to not jump all the way in so fucking quickly but I just don't seem to work that way. The awkward yeti comics about the brain and the heart always make me think about the man and myself. I am so very much that fucking heart and the brain always reminded me of him. I've been thinking about him more, not only because things with the actor have been triggering, but it's that time of year where I can never seem to escape the memories of how we started. I wonder if he still thinks about me at all...

What I hate the most about right now is that being sad about this shit has also impacted my capacity to be a decent employee... I've been crying a lot and needing to escape into other worlds and thusly binging through a lot of shows. I fucking hate that though, because work is one of those aspects of my life where I like my job, and not doing well at it is all on me and I've been distracted enough the last two years because of shit with my twin. But the fact that our society likes to pretend that your work life and home life are these two distinct things is bullshit. We are all human and our lives are just our lives and work is a big chunk of it, but your emotional life, that doesn't just have a switch, especially if you're someone like me who feels a lot and deeply. Yet all I keep hearing is the man telling me I'm the least disciplined person he's ever met and I make him sick.  He said that after I had owned up to telling a co-worker of ours about our history and he was majorly pissed at me... but even though I've been trying to work on being more disciplined I still feel like a piece of shit right now. It's seriously been making me wonder if I love my job as much as I believe I do...if I did, wouldn't it be easier to stay motivated to do it even though I'm sad? 

I truly love living alone, but it's a lot more isolating in the time of COVID and now that I don't have the actor making plans and breaking up that isolation, my sister is really the only option but I'm trying to give her space as she gets acclimated to living with her bf. I'm not doing particularly great right now and perhaps it's time I find a new therapist... maybe something remote so that the next time I move (cuz who the fuck knows when it comes to my life) I won't have to start over again. Blah is how I feel and just jealous of me from the last entry. She was legit happy, and it really was nice to experience that after so long of just dreaming about it.