The Sum

Right now I'm a few days away from a month of technically being unemployed for the first time since I was 14. It has honestly been unnerving and I'm hoping by the end of this week to have officially accepted my new role. I've never left a job before firmly having the next one but I've never had a supervisor so clearly gunning for me. My last day was the 15th and while last week was my first week off, it was crazy busy because it was my in person "Lab" in DC for the course I'm taking this semester. It was an amazing week, truly invigorating and so many of my classmates were incredibly impressive. I definitely know that at some point I need to work in the capital but it's very much about who you know.  I have no desire to start over, so a few more years in the industry and getting that master's in global climate change and policy should make it feasible for a more lateral transfer. Maybe through targeted contracts I can begin supporting policy efforts even sooner...However I'm not sure I'm in a financial position to go after that masters anytime soon. This current program was supposed to be completely covered by my previous firm and that obviously hasn't worked out. I was chatting with Burdman yesterday and I was telling him that without a family or close group of friends I see regularly, not having a job creates this really big hole. I am burnt out and I do need the time off, but I think I will be able to enjoy the time off when my immediate future is more settled.

I did decide to fill some of my time today with getting my 13th tattoo. It was a slow start after waking up to the horrible news about FSK. Wild that I was part of the feasibility study last year for the new dock they need to build ahead of the reconstruction. They've known the bridge has needed to be replaced for a while now, thankfully this all happened in the middle of the night, the loss of life could have been so much worse. With the port being closed, we'll have to wait and see just how steep the ramifications to the supply-chain will truly be...

This most recent tattoo is one that has been kicking around in my head for about a year. A long time ago at this point I once told the man "our lives are the sum of our choices" and I recently heard that phrase in a movie trailer and I was like yup that's a sign, time to get that tattoo. So I got a decision tree wrapped around a sigma. I love it. I'm hoping just like my first tattoo, being able to look down at it during this phase of transition will continue to inspire me to make better choices and focus on myself. I've spent so much of my life focused on others that I think I'm going to spend a little longer being intentionally single. I thought in September I was ready to try again and in December even invested in a matchmaker service. I was already feeling like I just needed to step away from it after that terrible date, but after this last date I had, I for sure know I have no interest in putting myself out there right now. I ended up meeting with this guy I matched with on a dating app years ago, like at least 2019 but quite possibly sooner than that. I used to have my Instagram linked to my profile and he ended up messaging me there a few months after my 30th birthday trip letting me know he had been reading along and was sorry he hadn't given me much thought when we first matched. We've had a few short conversations via messenger over the years but he was local for a conference so we agreed to meet up. It was a little weird knowing that he knew lots of pretty vulnerable things about my life, but also that this blog and these thoughts are such a small part of my experience. When I told my sister I was meeting him I told her it feels like I going out with a groupie lol. When I asked him if I lived up to online me, he told me that in person me was more interesting and that he could listen to me talk for hours. I liked that sentiment and I enjoyed learning about his many past lives. But after walking me to my car he made the assumption that I'd want him to come over and any part of me that was wondering if this was something worth exploring completely evaporated. I guess I thought that someone who is familiar with this part of me, would know that feeling like I'm only good for the physical parts of a relationship has been a recurring theme and one I very much no longer wish to cycle through. 

I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to want to start trying again and that definitely makes me anxious because my hopes of a family are feeling like a pipe dream. If biological kids end up becoming infeasible, I will adopt, and if I finally luck into a worth while relationship, damn I can barely comprehend just how grateful I'll be to have found them and how hard I'm gonna love them. 

Date from hell

I can't believe I paid a matchmaker to go on this HORRIBLE DATE.

Miraculously, my chronically late ass actually leaves on time, but then there's an accident so I'm about ten minutes late and quickly park in the first garage I see and know I'll deal with the probably absurd cost later. At this point the only thing I know about the guy is his first name and that he's a lawyer, they don't even show you pictures ahead of these dates. So I walk in to the restaurant and the only dude waiting is this swanky looking guy in a long tweed jacket about my height with slicked back hair, but he clearly hasn't embraced his receding hairline and it's not quite working. He says my name as a question and I do my best to dismiss my first impression and have a good night.

The hostess takes us upstairs where it's much quieter and more intimate and then before she can seat us he rudely tells her, doesn't ask, that we'd like to be seated downstairs where the bar and TVs are setup. Strike two because now I have to practically shout to talk to him and had to repeat myself several times. Then our waitress comes by with menus and after she walks away he announces that he's not eating but it's fine if I want to. Excuse me? This is a DINNER date. At this point I'm like well fuck does this dude even want to be here?? I'm fucking starving and just drove through shitty traffic to get there so I get a chicken pot pie because fuck it. 

We end up having a really nice conversation, he's done some interesting things, he did ask engaging questions about me and my life and work, but the vibe is still confusing. It took him three separate quips to hammer home that he went to Harvard like I'm supposed to  automatically assume he went there because he mentioned offhand he lived in Boston for a bit, or know the Kennedy school is the law school of Harvard. Shit went right over my head. Eventually the waitress comes by to ask if we'd like to see the dessert menu and as the words "yes please" are coming out of my mouth this jabroni asks for the check! Like we had not discussed being done at all, it's be an hour, hour and a half TOPS and I've had one drink. So she awkwardly walks away and then brings the dessert menu but I'm not gonna order something now, he just made me feel like he's just done with this date and I'm already thinking I'll just grab a milkshake from the cold stone I saw on the way in and have it for my hour drive home. So we get the check and I say you didn't get any food, I feel weird letting you pay so we split the bill and I'm totally expecting this to be the end of the evening but completely dumbstruck it's over this soon.

We get outside and I'm expecting him to walk me to my car and instead he asks if I want to go back to his place where it's quieter and have another round of drinks. He says it's only a ten minute walk. Firstly I'm genuinely surprised, I truly wasn't sure at all if he liked me. I'm no where near ready to get back in the car, I already know I'm never seeing this Harvard douchebag ever again, but he has a handsome face and no one has kissed me in months so I think what the hell. We walk to his place, have those drinks and start taking turns picking music videos to play on his TV and he begins to ask me about my tattoos. Eventually we're making out on his couch, it's good, I'm into it, but then he makes it clear he wants to take things further and I firmly state I'm not sleeping with him but that doesn't mean we can't have a good time. However that somehow translated to we are in a porno now because that man proceeded to strip himself, slap my tit upon reengagement and then tell me to get on my knees. In retrospect, this is when I should have given up on the night, but instead I just look at him, scoff and say no I'm not doing that to my knees and then ask if he's ever knelt on a hardwood floor for an extended period of time, to which he lightly laughs and says no (I'm sorry but I gotta at least like you to put that kind of effort in). So instead I say we can move to the bedroom, but my boundary stands. I help him get there, and he gets me tissues, but then makes NO moves to return the favor. I'm thoroughly revved up so I start taking care of myself because it's become painfully obvious it ain't gonna happen from him. He acknowledges what's happening and says he's going to watch, and I'm like you can do that or you can help I don't care. He has a topless woman in patterned fishnets on his bed pleasuring herself, and he proceeds to FOLD his clothes and then leaves the room saying "I'll give you a massage when you're done". WHAT?! Why did he leave!!?

This night can't get any more ridiculous so when I come out to the living room I'm down for this massage I guess, but then this fucker asks if he can go first. I honestly don't know why I obliged, but I made damn sure I had my turn for this activity. Eventually I notice it's almost eleven and still have a drive ahead of me. So I get back in my dress and put on my heels and he just asks if I know where I'm going. Nothing about walking me to my car or getting me a ride back to it. Whatever, it's DC and I'm from the Philly suburbs and lived in West Philly during grad school, but still. I don't know why I still had any hope for this man to be any sort of a gentleman.

The ten minute walk feels much further this time and I definitely have blisters forming on the balls of my feet. Finally, I get to the garage and it's fucking locked and there's a metal gate at the ramp. I couldn't even walk it if I wanted to. There's no number for the garage on the ticket or any of the visible signage. I'm exhausted, there's no way I'm interacting with that guy again, and worst of all the cold stone was already closed as well. So I book a last minute hotel and just laugh at myself because I cannot believe the evening I've just had.

The next morning, the gate is still down but the sportbook place it's related to is finally open. I walk in and ask what I need to do to have my ticket validated. My options were to either pay $50 for the parking, or bet $50 and that is why I placed my first ever bet on the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Superbowl.

SO all that to say, I really hope Travis and the Chief's win so that maybe I break even on a night from hell and hopefully this will be the beginning of better luck. Doing my best to still believe that maybe this year I'll find my Travis.

Another Life

The day is almost over and I'm thinking about how in another life maybe I'd be wrapping up an eventful weekend celebrating the man's 40th. I hope today and this weekend he was loved loudly and with an audience because we all deserve to feel special, especially on our birthdays. I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point where I forget his birthday, but I do hope I reach place where I don't wish for that other life. Where yea maybe I wonder how he is and hope he's loved, but that's it. I've been acutely aware all week it was approaching and wondering and hoping there was a party for him. 

I don't know why I'm still convinced that he's just stuck in a trauma bond with someone who loves their life together but not him. I always just remember him telling me how before they got engaged and almost broke up, his sister's assessment was that the girl only cares about herself. Makes me wonder if on a weekend like this did they shovel their driveway together and enjoy the winter weather as a family? Or was that just a duty to be done that he did alone? Some day I hope when I finally have a family my partner and I would pick one of our favorite playlists have a shared listening session while sharing the labor of taking care of our home. That we'd sing and dance and play in the snow and when we finally finished the shoveling we'd go inside and have warm drinks by the fire, cuddle and tell stories of our favorite winter memories from childhood or ones we've spent together. I'm so ready to be making memories with someone we'll be reminiscing about when we're old and gray.

My cousin digitized an old family video from 1991 where everyone went to Florida. It was so interesting to see my young parents interacting as a married couple and bizarre to acknowledge I am the same age now my mother was in that video. The first baby of the next generation is here and more than a third of us are married. I so badly hope the timing of my life aligns with those I hold dear so we can grow through this stage of life together. Almost all of my friends have kids now and it's so hard to not feel like I'm running out of time.  I genuinely feel optimistic about this year but I'm still so impatient and I wish there was anything I could do to make it all happen faster.

I had a very intense interview last week and I'm sincerely praying I get an offer this week and can put in my notice because I'm SO over being micromanaged. A new job where I'm actually given the proper resources and support to do it should definitely lower my stress levels. Very hopeful this change will be the final step to really moving forward into this next phase of life. A phase where I'm not stuck in the past or hanging out in limbo, but instead I'm actively creating that shared life I've always wanted.

Resolutions

I'm in bed, just took some nyquil for this damn sore throat and Lady has the zoomies. The end of the year was a blur with finals and then the holidays. Got a B+ in GIS and A- in my probability and stats class so I'm thrilled with that. Both classes were so much more work then I was really prepared for but re-engaging my learning brain has definitely been a good thing. It definitely helped me see that no matter what I do it's never going to be enough for my supervisor. So on the Wednesday before Christmas during my lunch break I googled Asset Management roles and the first one to pop up was for the firm my current collaborator on some projects works for, and annoyingly the same firm the man now apparently works for. I emailed my colleague after applying giving him the heads up and turns out he's the senior VP of the group. I had no idea. Things moved quickly, the very next day they asked my availability for an interview and sent along their benefits package.  I had the interview today and feel really good about it and genuinely believe this opportunity would catapult me into the policy world. I'm not sure about the next steps but feeling good about my chances for receiving an offer. Luckily being in different states and business practices I really don't think it will matter at all that the man works there, but that will be a bit wild to be working for the same firm again. Our friendship really did start with unusually heavy conversations via the office communicator. It's crazy that while we're complete strangers these days, I'm genuinely still friends with Gray after all these years. We've chatted almost monthly this past year and it's been really nice. It was especially nice having someone to chat with as we rolled into this new year. Honestly I wasn't particularly down about being home and alone, my social battery was zero and I love my cottage. But it was comforting knowing I wasn't alone in my experience, we've actually commiserated about NYE in the past so was glad to hear he wasn't forcing himself to participate in anything he didn't want to. He was way flirtier than usual though, I think he's really digging being 40. I've definitely never been good at completely shutting that down and ultimately decided that I'm over caring about some stupid line of respect for someone I don't know anymore and just enjoyed the conversation and the affirming attention and finally let someone appreciate the full and uncropped NSFW versions of some my favorite photos from that boudoir shoot a few years ago. I don't really know why I never showed them all to Champlain, only a few. Again my sexuality was incredibly dampened in that relationship and I think I thought that maybe I had just outgrown that, that it was a more mature relationship, but in reality I think what I'm attracted to had just evolved. It no longer matters that a physical attraction is there, if I don't respect you, somehow I have no desire to "degrade" myself by sending raunchy photos or feel the urge to jump your bones every chance I get. 

Still chatting with the new guy, not sure I can actually handle him sharing the name of the man... have another first date on Friday.  I'm genuinely hopeful this year I will begin the relationship that is meant for me and that I'll be able to be so loved and secure that my best depraved self will truly come out and play with abandon. I miss the kind of energy fun and intense sex garners. My hoe phases were a god damn mess, but they were so much fun. Can "have more sex" be a new years resolution? It's probably one a lot of people have but just don't share. I had sex three times last year. That feels absurd. Yea, I think it is one of my resolutions. I wanna have enough to lose count and ideally it's all with one person, but I've never been too particular on how I reach my goals so I guess we'll find out.

Unwaveringly

Welp dating again is going... I'm not annoyed by it yet so I guess that's a good sign. What I have been annoyed by though are the almost too many for coincidence reminders of the man. I don't even feel like listing them all out but I'll go through a few. The first weekend of December was my holiday party for work and it's been since the holiday party in 2018 with the man and Burdman and Buddha that I actually let loose and got drunk at a work thing and found myself sincerely enjoying myself and realizing I had made real friends at work which I've really missed. I was thinking about that as I eventually sobered up enough to drive myself home and was pulling up my driveway when a deer jumped in front of the car. I think deer will always make me think of the man not just because they're one of his favorite animals, but I think I'll always remember him sharing that after that day when he hit a deer on the highway it was talking to me that helped him calm down. I remember that feeling too, knowing that just taking to him made everything better. For a while there it was our routine for him to call me for a portion of his walk with his dog and honestly those calls were sometimes the highlight of my day. I genuinely loved talking to him, hearing his voice and his laugh, parts of him I no longer can remember. I think if someone said I could never see or touch him again but I could have those phone calls again I'd take that deal. The very next day someone that shares his name sent me a rose on Hinge. Normally I avoid people with his name but idk I thought about how Shazz is now married to someone who shares the name of her most serious relationship and she kinda always said she found the right one this time. So I decided to match and just go with it. Last weekend I was away in PA visiting with Burdman and my mom for her birthday. I finally got to meet the woman Burdman has been dating and I'm a big fan. A fan of her for sure, she's really sweet and was game to join us for a band she didn't know, but I'm more a fan of them together. They did a lot of laughing and smiling and that's just so nice to see. I really hope he'll be able to get out of his own way and let this flourish into something lasting. He deserves to have someone who makes him a priority and I definitely got the vibe she's more than ready to do that. But because she was with us I had to sleep in the spare room which I've only been in a few times since it once was one of the safe spaces to be with the man. It invariably invokes various memories and just made me wonder if he ever has intense reminders of what we once were and if it ever makes him wonder about what we could have become by now if he'd actually gave us the chance to be a real couple. 

On my way home to MD last weekend I decided to just call this new guy and was pleasantly surprised he picked up and we effortlessly talked the whole two hours of my ride and set a date for this past Thursday. It was a really great first date and he gave me a really sweet kiss goodnight at my car and now he's on his way to Florida for two weeks for the holidays so we'll see if we can keep the momentum. For now I'm glad I decided not to write him off because of his name. 

Right now I'm procrastinating on my final project for my stats class but I'll get through it all, just gonna be a long couple of days... I'm excited for the holidays and ready for a new year. This past one was actually a very difficult one and I'm genuinely exhausted. I think one of my resolutions will be to unwaveringly protect my time with myself and truly put my own needs first. It is possible to put myself first and still be there for my friends and family it's just going to take practice and discipline, my nemesis lol. Welp time to head back into my home office and keep making progress on my school work! 

Consequences

I've needed to write for a while now but I think I've been convincing myself I don't have the time, there's other things I should be doing between all the stuff that still needs to be done around the cottage, school work, but actually I'm not behind on anything for work. My huge deliverable I was the PM for was submitted on Wednesday and I received nothing but thanks and a job well done which has been such a fucking relief after getting thrown under the bus for that stupid ass project and paying for it the last six weeks. I honestly thought I might have to find a new job for a bit but I killed it on this project and after I made sure to stick up for myself and refused to corroborate her narrative of what happened, I've been my usual bubbly kind thoughtful self and done my best to ignore how betrayed the whole situation has made me feel. I enjoy my actual work and my colleagues way too much to just give up. For now I think we can move past this but I did update my resume and thought about applying for a library of congress job yesterday but I didn't get that gut feeling that it was what I needed to be doing. So we'll see how long this current chapter lasts.

Aside from the work drama, I'd say a major high light is that I've officially been dating again. The first date I had went really well and I was genuinely excited and we started seeing each other for a few weeks and then he got covid and literally just disappeared and never responded again but changed his dating profile, so definitely not dead lol. Have met three other dudes since but no second dates. One of them was mid 40s divorced, a few years out, but with three children, with the youngest a junior in high school. He talked about how he stayed as long as he could for his kids but that he wished he had left sooner. That his ex-wife was a lovely woman and a great mom but there was no affection shown between them. I was like yea I understand wanting to give your kids every advantage but part of your job as a parent is modeling healthy love because we emulate what we're exposed to and I know lacking those models myself absolutely impacted my ability to recognize worthwhile partnerships. I watched this mans face to just absolutely drop as he said out loud "I hope I didn't mess things up for my girls" and then he just got real quiet and I knew I was not gonna hear from him again lol. But I meant it, if you believe you're staying for the kids but you'd be so sad if they ended up in a marriage like yours, then I'm sorry, you're staying because you're too afraid to leave and are using your kids as an excuse to not confront yourself and the truth that for whatever reason, you don't love yourself enough to put in the work to start over.

I think that's probably part of why I'm still not entirely over things with the man. I did put in the work to start my life over, and I left someone I still loved because I wasn't able to be me in that relationship and the further I got out of the dynamic of us, the more I could see how much he didn't actually see me as a person. I took myself to see Priscilla last night and damn did I relate to some of how she felt, she was basically Elvis' doll dressed the way he liked and locked up in graceland, not allowed to be her own person. I always say it never was our life, it was his and I was just an accessory to it and I feel like Priscilla would absolutely understand that statement. So to have freed myself from that to then not even a month later begin such a damaging never a real relationship with someone that eventually just decimated me I think just makes me so fucking angry at all the time I lost to being heart broken instead of celebrating my freedom. I think I've just always wanted that whole thing to at some point feel worth all the pain and to be right I guess, to be right about him and the connection we had and that it was real and that love can feel like that, and I deserved to feel that seen and wanted. 

Who knew the releases of Taylor's Version for two of her albums would be so triggering but 1989 came out a few weeks after things ended the first time with the man and damn that was before I knew it was going to go around 3 more times so the songs hit even more these days. Burdman knew the vault songs in particular were gonna hit me and it was nice to be able to admit to someone that I was in my feelings but he also told me it's time to let go. The biggest surprise was when he told me he thought the way the man treated me over the years was worse than his ex who just packed up all her shit while he was at work and left him without any conversation and refused to help with rent. That's been rattling around in my head ever since, because I honestly believe his whole experience with her was one of the most fucked up stories, especially the way she vilified him and the people he lost. I think it will probably always be hard for me to objectively see the fucked up aspects of how things played out with the man because I've never stopped loving him and that just naturally comes with understanding and forgiveness. However Burdman is right to call out, do I actually love the man, or an idea of him, and I guess loving a version of someone from nearly a decade ago is indeed just an idea of someone. The man that was all in with me never fully came back to me, even though I genuinely gave him every possible chance I could. Earlier this week marked 5 years since that last round became physical after months of random chats after he finally reached out admitting he'd been reading my blog all summer long. It's pretty unreal it's been that many years, the covid years really are a blur. 

I'm still not really sure what my dumbass heart needs to completely move on because even though I know progress has been made, and that being reminded of past hurts is just part of life, I haven't reached indifference. I still care way too much about him, and his life and it's honestly not fair how much this whole thing has impacted me. I know I didn't deserve any of it, but for a while I truly believed my heartache was a just punishment for being a mistress. Part of me has always been frustrated that he never really had any consequences for breaking my heart so many times, but damn have I had plenty for loving him. There were times where the grief of losing him really did taint everything else going on in my life, and while it feels like he never had to grapple with the loss of me, maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe feeling what it's like to be cherished, desired, and respected yet choosing to stay in something that's not bad but not intimate either is more of a consequence than I'll ever understand.

Reminiscing

I am so dysregulated right now and I'm having a really hard time focusing on work stuff. I've had way too many weekend obligations the last two months and throwing the move in the mix my brain is zapped. There's still unpacking to be done but I have a working kitchen and living room, so there's that. 

Buddah is  coming to visit this weekend!!! I'm so excited. She's still with her hobbit, much to my chagrin, I really don't think the dude deserves her, but interested to see where she's really at and if she's just making sure she sees things through so that she has no regrets. 

I've been talking with Gray a lot more frequently lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I genuinely am attracted to him, and I love our chats, he definitely understands what it's like to watch all your friends move through milestones you can't try harder at to accomplish yourself... the whole finding someone and starting a family is more luck than fucking anything. I still just don't really understand why he reaches out, nothing is ever going to happen and sometimes it does feel like he crosses a line, but I don't really know where that line is and why I even care about it. I don't know the man anymore and I don't think I'm ever going to know him again no matter how sad that truth fucking makes me. 

He's been on my mind a lot lately but that's pretty normal for this time of year. Without fail it's like my body remembers falling hopelessly and madly in love with him. Today is the anniversary of our first kiss, if it wasn't two days after the anniversary of when my dog died I wonder if I would remember it every year or if it would fade more.  During the move I found the phone I had when he came back into my life at the end of grad school and I finally got around to charging it today and read through some of our texts. It was wild to see how quickly we fell right back into things with each other, you would never know it had been years. So much fun flirting and sexting and pictures I had forgotten about since I deleted most everything back in 2020. I never really sent Champlain fun photos like that, I mean he got to see some of the real naughty and full versions of the photos from the boudoir shoot I did, but I used to send the man stuff all the time and I loved it. I really miss that level of desire and that it genuinely felt reciprocated. We really couldn't keep our hands off of each other. There were plenty of times across the various stints where we tried to just be friends and I remember a couple of hangouts where it really was like a friend platonic hangout for the majority of the time, but then it was like I would hit my limit and I would need to jump his bones. 

I know I've felt attraction and desire for others, especially early on, but nothing quite like with the man and definitely not so fucking consistent and intense. It's definitely extremely frustrating that the whole experience with him is still what I seem to be after, I still haven't surpassed that in any other relationship. I think about how in March of 2015 he told me "just because we have a connection, doesn't mean we should be together" and I kept my mouth shut in the moment but internally I was screaming "YES IT DOES!" and I think I still believe that we are meant to chase these connections, to foster them, protect them, indulge in them. Maybe that's part of why I entertain things with Gray, because I miss the feeling of connection. But I think that I cannot untangle him from the man, and maybe in some strange way talking to Gray feeds that desire to still know the man. I'm sure once Gray finds someone to date again he'll stop liking random old photos of me leading to a chat. Right now I just wish I could ignore the loop in my head of my friend telling me "He'd be happier with you". I definitely think it sucks that apparently he's not having a lot of sex but like the lady of that equation said, that doesn't necessarily mean he's not happy. I wish I didn't care at all and I wish it felt like I've made more progress moving on the last three years especially with having been in a full blown fucking relationship. But unfortunately I think the relationship just reinforced the way I felt about the man is what I want. 

I still don't feel ready to put myself back out there yet and pretty soon I'm gonna beat my previous record for celibacy from 2018. I've definitely been hornier lately, watched our sex tape for the first time in years and using my graduation gift which I didn't really use at all the entire time I lived with Champlain. Like shortly after we moved in with each other I was so put off by his consistent lack of consideration and gross habits that my libido did a fucking nose dive, I barely recognized myself. I kinda wanted to bail on the whole thing before my twin even moved in with us, but everything was in motion and when I get to hang out with my twin now, and he's always laughing, cracking jokes and talking about the future and what he wants to do next it just all feels worth it and I feel better about how hard this past year has been for me. If me sacrificing my own wants for a few years means I get to grow old with my twin I would do it again. 

Today I miss the man and the fun, sexually liberating and supportive relationship we had. When he popped back into my life I knew there was no guarantee things would progress into a relationship, I was just so excited to have my friend back and I remember telling him that no matter what happened, as long as I never had to pretend I didn't care about him again, that would be enough for me. I think a lot of me still wishes I didn't have to work so hard to ignore all the love I still have for this person. I honestly have no idea how he frames memories of me or if he even has flashbacks to moments of us the way that I do. I really would love to know what he thinks these days about so many different things...

Classes start next week for my Data Analytics and Policy certificate so hopefully jumping into learning about something I find interesting will pull me out of this funk and pointless reminiscing. I want to be ready to date again and maybe I just have to bite the bullet and download the apps and start perusing to maybe spark some of that desire. Right now I need to feed myself and then really work through the mountain of work I have to do and just can't seem to stop procrastinating on.

Next Chapter

I am so fucking stressed out with the looming move especially because Champlain bailed on the new roommates we found and I'm definitely gonna be paying for both places for the month of August, possibly September. I knew this was a possibility, but I definitely thought I wasn't going to, and moved forward with asking for an early lease start of the new place to accommodate these new roommates. At this point I'm still going to move because I was fucking elated on Sunday evening when I realized I was already done living with Champlain because he's away this whole week in New York with his family. 

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I was so stressed I never finished the above on the 19th and it's now like a week later and the big move with the truck happened on Sunday. New roommates have been found and will hopefully be signing paperwork this week! I'm fucking exhausted and running on fumes and getting ready to just call it for my work day and just work late tomorrow and Thursday. I can't seem to access my brain to decide what shit I need to focus on anyways. 

There's still some things to grab from the old place, specifically Lady lol but I need make sure the new house is not a disaster zone first, want to make sure it's not too overwhelming for her. Hopefully I can get the internet up and running today. I was supposed to be in the field tomorrow so I wasn't actually too worried about it, but that just was cancelled soooo better get my act together for my first WFH day at the cottage!

I'm so totally in love with my new digs. We had a family party in Jersey on Saturday that was basically a reunion and my cousin was asking me about the new place and I just immediately responded "It's an adorable stone cottage in the woods and I'm going to be a witch" lol. She laughed for like 2 minutes and then kept asking me to tell others haha. I'm just genuinely so excited and happy about finding it! I'm pumped to work on the outside space and turn it into something lovely and really learn how to garden. Fire pit is already on the list and maybe eventually a grill?? I've never grilled, should be interesting to figure that out. 

Definitely still in the transition of it all, but I'm so fucking glad the next chapter has truly started.

Almost

The stupid man is "celebrating" eleven years of marriage and I'm sitting on my day bed eating a lot of cheese, drinking a bottle of Moscato like I'm still in college and binging new girl LOL

It's been nine years since I left my marriage, which means it's almost been nine years that I've been in love with someone that I'm never gonna have a life with. That's pretty fucking pathetic but that nonsense aside I found a new place!!!

I honestly didn't fully recognize just how much the current situation has been tanking my mental health but as soon as I decided to find a new place such a weight lifted. The process has been stressful as fuck and last week I was feeling exasperated and then all a sudden a new place popped up on Zillow. It didn't even have photos uploaded yet but I loved the description. I immediately applied and she showed me the place the next day. It honestly feels like I manifested it. Last year when I was talking to my sister about how much I wanted my own place and told her that I wanted a place with a front porch for a rocking chair, a fire place to read by, a backyard to garden, and a quiet location. This place literally has ALL of this! It's this super cute stone cottage from the 1800s and I might be moving as soon as next weekend!

I'm so pumped to live alone again. It's going to be amazing. At this moment I don't even care how fucking single and horny I am. It's been since February since anyone has touched me and me of years ago would be appalled. She'd be on the apps or would have taken up any of the various offers I've already received when me being single came up. I'm frankly not interested in sharing my energy with anyone that doesn't deserve it, the idea of a ONS is just completely off putting. I'm still not even thinking about dating but I'm definitely going to have to genuinely think about what my new boundaries will be and what it means exactly for someone to be worth sharing my body with them. I've never really thought about my body as something to protect, it was always something to leverage to get the affection I was after. Definitely sad to acknowledge that but truthful and honestly the degree of disassociation I've had with my body is probably a big reason why the rape didn't destroy my desire to have sex. I still don't like talking about it...that's an experience I would rather forget entirely but I do get flashes back to it sometimes. 

I'm grateful that this current situation won't last much longer, still annoyed with myself that I got myself into it in the first place let alone for this long... But I was so tired of being alone. It was really nice having a person but I don't want just companionship. I wanna be stupidly in love can't keep my hands off them again. Someday. 

The Web

I was really sad today, like full body sobs during my drive home to MD. I haven't cried like that in a while and even now it's hard to fully capture all the reasons why my heart hurt so much. 

I had a really nice but busy weekend, but it was even better to not be at the apartment worrying about having to interact with Champlain. I officially reached my limit and I'm actively apartment hunting. 

Saturday night was an awesome family BBQ at my now aunt and uncle's at the beach house I've been going to since I was a child which felt healing. Especially seeing my cousin be a dad in person for the first time. I really enjoyed learning the story of how my aunt and uncle met, honestly this age in general has been filled with learning so much about the adults in my life and getting to know them as people. Sunday I went to a BBQ with Burdman at his friend's house and that was a lot of fun. There was some drama but every group of people that have known each other for a long time have their dynamics. I genuinely enjoyed myself and definitely loved that Burdman wanted me there, it felt like an important milestone in our friendship. It also opened my eyes to additional reasons why he's so skeptical about marriages and love... Most of the couples at the gathering I didn't really leave with the impression they were particularly in love and on the same page about their relationship. Made me wonder too about just how prevalent settling and making the best of what you're "stuck" with truly is.

Yesterday I started the morning off running some errands and then met up with Density for a walk along a trail in the Wissahickon and it was really nice catching up. I miss seeing him regularly, there were a few years there where we saw each other weekly and he was someone I always knew had my best interests at heart, would be supportive, and has never hurt me. It honestly feels like I could comfortably say he never will and I feel lucky to know him and I hope he finds someone worthy. Once I wrapped up with him I headed over to my former coworkers' new house they just bought together! Their relationship has definitely progressed quickly but I'm not surprised. I was so eager to not come home that I ended up just helping unpack the kitchen and living room and told myself I'd have dinner and leave. Welp the two of them and their other friend were drinking and smoking and eventually I just said fuck it, texted Champlain to let him know I'd be gone another night, and then took like three shots pretty quickly after each other to catch up lol I kept passing on the weed repeatedly but my girlfriend that was in New Orleans with me kept hyping up how sensitive I am to it and eventually I just gave in. I took ONE drag. I honestly think I'm becoming more sensitive?? But the high was milder perhaps? Idk definitely rejoined the same delusion but I never really zoned out of what was happening in front of me the same way I have in the past. Instead I was having super intense conversations with their friend that made dinner that I never even got to eat lol He really reminded me of my friend from high school who I had the biggest crush on and I definitely need to reach out and check in on him. We talked about mostly random shit, but I vividly remember talking about DMT the god molecule and how it's something found everywhere in nature and in our brains and that it's emitted when we're born and when we die which of course fed my belief it was the end of the world lol At one point there was definitely some video discussing what our reality actually is and how time folds in on itself? It all made sense at the time but I'm struggling right now to actually put it all together the experience once again reiterated connectedness, source, that we're spiritual beings experiencing humanity. I know previous excursions I got this feeling that I was the last one, that everyone was watching and waiting on me to just figure it out, but then I kept getting this feeling about being the original. But the original what? Like I know I call myself and my two full siblings the originals. At the end I started to wonder if maybe I've been learning from everyone else this whole time but I've never actually taken the full leap into truly living for the present. I've just always been so stuck on the past or caught up in planning the future. I keep discounting my now when it's literally the only thing that actually exists.

It felt like some of the spokes of the web of all the people I'm connected to have contracted further, that my core group is becoming more defined, but I still have some stragglers, people I love that feel too far away and out of reach. Apparently my friends recently went golfing with the man and another former coworker and turns out neither of them are satisfied with their sex lives. He's not having much and she has faked every orgasm she's ever "had". Learning about her abusive past relationship and the trauma she's still enduring on top of not feeling desired made my heart hurt for her, because she's exceptional and deserves so much more than that. However hearing that the man might not actually be happy like he told me he is, made me cry, like immediately. I don't think I knew just how tightly I was holding on to that belief that as long as he's happy, I can find peace in how our situation played out. I just don't understand why he's choosing to stay in that version of his life, why he doesn't want to push forward into a better reality, and I'm not even thinking about one with me, but just one where he doesn't have to forego the kind of pleasure we all should be able to indulge in, like I genuinely believe we're supposed to. If you're not having sex with your romantic partner, at best you're actually just friends, but more than likely you're not even really that and just fucking resent each other. 

When I got to my dad's today I immediately bursted into tears after telling him I just really needed a hug from my dad. Like I cried in the car when I realized that's what I wanted and that's who I wanted to see because it hasn't been my dad since I was a kid. This whole seeing each other weekly has really allowed for some healing. Last week he was being a real dick about Christmas Eve and I know he got the short end of the stick when we were growing up, but he did that to himself. He continued to let his ex wives dictate his life and always acquiesced mostly out of guilt with my mother and then I think default with my step mom but on my car ride home I also realized another motivator for him. He never wanted to be responsible for unnecessarily keeping us from having time and memories with our mothers because that's all he's wanted since his mom died, more time with her. But I wish he understood that I needed him, that he was my anchor parent and it really fucked me up when he left and how hurtful it was when he chose his gf over me when I was 21... And I guess I realized today that even though I've spent the better half of a decade making sure I didn't need him for anything I needed him today. I needed him to hold me while I cried and attempted to ask him why people stay where they aren't celebrated, why people settle, that everyone deserves to be loved and I'm so sad for all my friends that haven't experienced it truly. His girlfriend actually said something that really resonated, she said that not everyone is emotionally ready to be in a loving relationship. Definitely made me think about the man. I wish so badly to understand his choices and why so much of me still wishes he chose me.