"I don't want to be strangers"
That was the phrase that caused me to open back up to someone that had already broken my heart once before. The next two years would turn into this on again off again mess of confusion and extreme pain. Now, we're very close to truly becoming strangers. Every other time things imploded, it never really felt like it was over, no matter how hard I was trying to convince myself that it was, and that it was also for the best that it was. There was the potential to see him twice in the last two weeks, but it didn't happen and even though I know that it's a good thing, I'm still having to acknowledge my disappointment. I still seem to be quite distressed by the idea of it actually being over. I'm trying so hard to be open and willing to meet other people and to get to know them, but not much is happening for me on the emotional side of things and it's truly making me feel a little bit broken. His birthday is this week and I have found myself day dreaming about how if things were different, if he was mine, that I would have planned to take advantage of a long weekend and go somewhere to celebrate.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so stuck because I'm tired...because the idea of getting to know someone else and their life feels daunting and I'm just eager to already be at that level of understanding and comfort. That I just miss having someone to plan a future with. I think I'm also stuck cuz I'm stubborn and can't accept that I was so fucking wrong about someone. Never before had a person felt like home, it gave me a sureness about wanting to be with him I had never experienced and have yet to experience again. I have ideas about what I'm holding out for, and so many encounters start off so promising, but for whatever reason I still haven't felt any kind of long term potential. Just these situations where I know I could have fun for a few years, that they would treat me well, but it would never be what I ultimately want, so what's the point, and so I bail, and I'm sure that has to be confusing as hell for these men, because there is chemistry and a connection... just not the desire to share my life with them.
I'm hoping this funk I've been in lately is really just related to the increased potential of possibly seeing him and that soon I'll be a little more present in what's going on and not so fucking sad. I heard that song, "If the world was ending" back in mid December and it made me bawl the first time cuz I knew, the only person I'd want to see would be him, but I know I wouldn't be his. I find myself playing it a lot and I just fucking hate this feeling of being stuck and feeling so small, I'm really fucking bored of it. My twin keeps telling me I just haven't met anyone worthy yet, that it's gonna happen and I just need to try my best to be patient. I'm just sick of the amount of mental space my love life is fucking occupying. Maybe it's time to take a break from all of it again and try again in the spring, when it's easier to be more optimistic.
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Unwavering
First day of not just a new year but a brand spanking new decade and I'm sitting on a bed in a room I've never been in before today. I have found myself volunteering to chill at the house of my technically ex-step-Zayda's girlfriend's son's house as like a mostly hands off babysitter while the son and his family are away on vacation. It doesn't really seem like it's particularly important I be here, but just more of a fail safe and allowing my step mother (technically ex... her and my father split when I was in college) and her sister to relax a bit since my Zayda has Alzheimer's. This blended family of mine can certainly be such a bear to explain to people...it's always interesting to see how some of the men I've been going out on dates with react to the convolutedness of it all. It's definitely why for me, the holidays are mostly stressful and I don't ever really look forward to them. It's a lot of running around and driving to try and manage to see all the different camps. I still have two family get-togethers this coming Saturday that I'll have to leave one early and get to the other one late. Seriously in need of some alone time and vegging the fuck out and I'm not sure I'm going to have the opportunity for that any time soon. If I really feel burned out before I have that chance I might take some PTO, I'm really not trying to start things off ignoring my body's signals.
I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying a house of my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process. I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously. And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear. So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.
I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality. Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.
I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying a house of my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process. I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously. And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear. So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.
I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality. Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Tao
This is my sixth round of holidays being single. I guess perhaps in 2017 I wasn't truly single and had someone to exchange Christmas gifts with, and last year I spent Christmas night with that same man, but the further away from all that I get the less comfortable I feel calling it a relationship. It really never got there. Something I said not too long ago describes it well, we were never nothing, but never something either, just always an almost. It never really got off the ground because he never gave it that chance. For the majority of the past five years with that situation imploding and resurfacing it just always felt so circumstantial, and so unfinished. I have lamented to friends how I really never thought I was still going to be single 5 years after getting divorced but of course I am. How could I have ever been capable of truly connecting and letting anyone else in when I have allowed my heart to remain with someone that never chose me back. When things ended the first time in 2014 he told me not to give my heart up to someone who wouldn't cherish it and I truly had no clue that years later that would ultimately mean no longer giving it to him.
Once requited love is proving to be extremely difficult to let go of but it has been forcing me to spend so much time with myself, and learning my flaws in glaring ways. Living a heart centered life often causes me turmoil, but I'm not sure switching to a more logical way is the answer. Everything I've been learning this last year has pointed more to this idea of balance. To acknowledge the gray of it all and learn to be comfortable in it. To learn how to be more present in the now and not allow myself to spend so much time ruminating over the past and worrying about the future. I've never felt more present in my life than I did on my trip to Europe. I've never felt peace and calmness and genuine contentedness like I did during those magical three weeks. I'm still kinda pissed I allowed an interaction with that man the week I came back to result in me losing that feeling. That yet again I let my hurt from that cause me to descend into despair instead of staying in the high vibration of being satisfied with my life. I haven't seen him since that day and while there's parts of me that seem to be saddened by the idea that I may never see him again, the rest of me can feel how beneficial it has been to my mental health to finally have that space. I know I will continue to wonder if he is happy and wish the ending had turned out differently but I hope the day where I can say with conviction it worked out for the highest good of all involved reaches me soon. For a long time it has felt like my heart has been so sad that it has made the rest of me sick, almost as if I have been a shadow of what I could be.
I know a new year doesn't really mean that anything changes in any real sense, but I do feel like the energy of everyone changes. That everyone is just a little more hopeful than usual, believing that maybe this is the year, this is when things will be different, and so they're a little more open, and try a little harder. I think if you can harness that energy in a productive way and change habits that detract from your goals, than you really can make it be the year that it all changes because we truly are the architects of our own lives, and the change we wish to see in our outward world, begins in our inward world.
Once requited love is proving to be extremely difficult to let go of but it has been forcing me to spend so much time with myself, and learning my flaws in glaring ways. Living a heart centered life often causes me turmoil, but I'm not sure switching to a more logical way is the answer. Everything I've been learning this last year has pointed more to this idea of balance. To acknowledge the gray of it all and learn to be comfortable in it. To learn how to be more present in the now and not allow myself to spend so much time ruminating over the past and worrying about the future. I've never felt more present in my life than I did on my trip to Europe. I've never felt peace and calmness and genuine contentedness like I did during those magical three weeks. I'm still kinda pissed I allowed an interaction with that man the week I came back to result in me losing that feeling. That yet again I let my hurt from that cause me to descend into despair instead of staying in the high vibration of being satisfied with my life. I haven't seen him since that day and while there's parts of me that seem to be saddened by the idea that I may never see him again, the rest of me can feel how beneficial it has been to my mental health to finally have that space. I know I will continue to wonder if he is happy and wish the ending had turned out differently but I hope the day where I can say with conviction it worked out for the highest good of all involved reaches me soon. For a long time it has felt like my heart has been so sad that it has made the rest of me sick, almost as if I have been a shadow of what I could be.
I know a new year doesn't really mean that anything changes in any real sense, but I do feel like the energy of everyone changes. That everyone is just a little more hopeful than usual, believing that maybe this is the year, this is when things will be different, and so they're a little more open, and try a little harder. I think if you can harness that energy in a productive way and change habits that detract from your goals, than you really can make it be the year that it all changes because we truly are the architects of our own lives, and the change we wish to see in our outward world, begins in our inward world.
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
A Prayer
Triggers to memories are such an interesting thing. Certain smells, or songs that can take you right back to a specific time in your life. But then there's all sorts of things that we associate with the people in our lives, but you don't recognize them too deeply until they're no longer in your life, whether that be a past love, old friend, or a loved one that has died.
Full moons always make me think about the man most of me wishes to forget at this point. Five years ago he made me a mix CD, titled Harvest Moon with the classic Neil Young song among the sixteen songs. He also gave it to me on the night of the Harvest Moon and I stared at that bright huge moon while I sat in my car and listened the first time through. It's honestly still the most thoughtful and romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
The part about moving forward that I hate the most is the tendency to try and rewrite the past as if it was all a lie. That because things aren't what I wish them to be now, that it must mean it was never what I thought it was. I really don't want to do that though, I'd much rather leave the memories to be the special moments that they were and believe that whatever happened then was real then no matter the outcome now. I still waiver between feeling hurt, angry, and shame. The first two are easy to understand, the last is harder to integrate. I don't fully know how to make myself believe I'm not an idiot for having sincerely believed I was made to love him. I really did though. I truly felt that all my life experiences and my general nature prepared me well to love him deeply and for what a life with him would be like. Perhaps I wasn't wrong entirely, just wrong about the timeframe.
I haven't prayed in a long long time, I tried to a little in a church during my trip, but it just felt like I was talking to myself. But earlier today while driving home from work I really did pray to the powers that be to just help me let go and move forward with my life. I told them I hoped should I ever see him again that I could hug him, that I could show that I'm truly happy that he's happy, that it's ok I wasn't his choice, that I still believe him to be a good man and will care for him always. I know I'm a little far away from truly feeling that way, but it's genuinely where I hope to land in regards to this whole mess. I don't like harboring hurt or anger, they take up too much space.
I'm really trying this whole dating thing again and I'm meeting such wonderful people even amidst the abundance of shitty people, but the emotional side of me still feels so fucking closed off. Patience has never been my strong suit but oh I swear I'm trying to really give things a chance. I know there's someone out there worth choosing that will choose me too.
Full moons always make me think about the man most of me wishes to forget at this point. Five years ago he made me a mix CD, titled Harvest Moon with the classic Neil Young song among the sixteen songs. He also gave it to me on the night of the Harvest Moon and I stared at that bright huge moon while I sat in my car and listened the first time through. It's honestly still the most thoughtful and romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
The part about moving forward that I hate the most is the tendency to try and rewrite the past as if it was all a lie. That because things aren't what I wish them to be now, that it must mean it was never what I thought it was. I really don't want to do that though, I'd much rather leave the memories to be the special moments that they were and believe that whatever happened then was real then no matter the outcome now. I still waiver between feeling hurt, angry, and shame. The first two are easy to understand, the last is harder to integrate. I don't fully know how to make myself believe I'm not an idiot for having sincerely believed I was made to love him. I really did though. I truly felt that all my life experiences and my general nature prepared me well to love him deeply and for what a life with him would be like. Perhaps I wasn't wrong entirely, just wrong about the timeframe.
I haven't prayed in a long long time, I tried to a little in a church during my trip, but it just felt like I was talking to myself. But earlier today while driving home from work I really did pray to the powers that be to just help me let go and move forward with my life. I told them I hoped should I ever see him again that I could hug him, that I could show that I'm truly happy that he's happy, that it's ok I wasn't his choice, that I still believe him to be a good man and will care for him always. I know I'm a little far away from truly feeling that way, but it's genuinely where I hope to land in regards to this whole mess. I don't like harboring hurt or anger, they take up too much space.
I'm really trying this whole dating thing again and I'm meeting such wonderful people even amidst the abundance of shitty people, but the emotional side of me still feels so fucking closed off. Patience has never been my strong suit but oh I swear I'm trying to really give things a chance. I know there's someone out there worth choosing that will choose me too.
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Leaps and Bounds
Decided to participate in this decades challenge even though a part of me is like well this is fucking dumb, it would really be better to do this in January and post something from 2010 January and then that first week of the new decade... which of course will probably fucking happen but I guess the fad just high lights the fact that a lot of people are looking forward to a new decade, perhaps the way I was looking forward to my own personal new decade. I went to therapy for the first time since July on Thursday. I had made the appointment the week before, and honestly I was so grateful I did because even though it was so nice to be in Pittsburgh, it also caused a lot of weird feelings to resurface.
I found myself being drawn into this Psychic Tarot shop and just let myself be in the moment and get a reading. She brought up the man I've been trying so hard to let go of, mentioning twin flames, and all this other shit that just got in my head when I really do feel like I've made progress in moving forward. This little interaction prompted me to check out social media and low and behold there was a brand new family photo and seeing it just broke me. I haven't cried that hard in a while and it was so deflating. Was nice that a friend that knows all the background told me his first thought was what a sham that all is, but I honestly just hope that he's happy.
This little decade challenge has made me think about just how much has happened in a year. While there's definitely a deep sadness still lurking, I went back to my blog from last November and right around this time I was in a much shittier place. I had let myself meet up with this man right after Halloween because I just missed him too damn much, but never told anyone in my life that I was doing it because frankly I knew they'd try to talk me out of it and I just had this overwhelming feeling of needing more time with him. A week later I went to a concert with my best friend and he got so drunk that he physically hurt me when I told him I wasn't buying him anymore drinks and then a little later in the night sexual assaulted me. When I tried to take his hands out of my pants and turn towards him to ask him what exactly he thought he was doing he just started to kiss me. We were right next to a security guard and even though I didn't want what was happening to be happening, my only thought was that if I make a scene he'll get in trouble and I don't want that. So it was as if I turned myself off and just let it happen. A week after this I was supposed to attend a Friendsgiving, the same one I have tonight, and I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't get my mind to stop looping on the thoughts that it would be so much easier if life was just done. But I called my sister, and I called my friend that was hosting, and between them they convinced me it would be good, and so I left my house and it was worth it.
It took me nearly two months to be able to tell my friend what had happened because he didn't remember. The next three months would result in talking to the man nearly every day, seeing him the week after Thanksgiving and then saying it can't happen again, but then caving and seeing him on Christmas, and then once the new year started, definitely talking everyday and meeting up at least once a week. All this time I told no one about him, and I was still dating other people, trying so hard to accept that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, even though what we were doing certainly had a lot of elements of that, and even though on Valentines Day he told me he loved me too. I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen, I'm not sure if part of me hoped that if he could just remember all the good of us, he'd want me back? Eventually I met someone I thought was worth it, someone I genuinely wanted to try and be in a relationship with, so for once I was the one who ended things, but it didn't matter. I still ended up feeling like I had lost him all over again and I'm sure that played a large role into why I could never feel anything for the man I started to date this past February. I kept hoping it would change... but it didn't and honestly mostly mutually, we ended things near the end of April.
So its been since April that I have tried to actually be with someone and I felt so fucking jaded and tried hard to say goodbye to the man before I went on my trip. I just so badly had this idea that coming back from that was going to be a new chapter, a better one and I needed to do what I could to wrap up these loose ends. He didn't take me up on my offer to have a goodbye and I just tried to accept that being dead to each other was for the best. When I got back from my trip I had the strongest belief that things were not done, that at some point in the future this will circle back around, but not for a while, not until a lot of things were sorted out. Having that feeling didn't make it any easier to find out he was trying again to work things out with someone else and yet again it feels like I have allowed my hurt about this situation with him, to damper the happiness I feel for everything else in my life...
I tried the apps again, but then quickly lost interest and focused on my test but the test is done, and I'm sincerely trying to be open to the idea that I can find love again. Finally met up with a guy last night after two weeks of chatting, and it was a lot of fun, but he's not over his ex. He thinks he is, but I know better...for now it'll be fun to have someone that asks about the nothings of my day, but it's not going to develop into more and I'm not sure I feel any which way about that.
"I wish I was the moon" feels like my theme song as of late and that's not really feeling like a good sign, but I know without a doubt, where I am today, is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at last year and I have so much faith that this time next year I will again be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am now.
I found myself being drawn into this Psychic Tarot shop and just let myself be in the moment and get a reading. She brought up the man I've been trying so hard to let go of, mentioning twin flames, and all this other shit that just got in my head when I really do feel like I've made progress in moving forward. This little interaction prompted me to check out social media and low and behold there was a brand new family photo and seeing it just broke me. I haven't cried that hard in a while and it was so deflating. Was nice that a friend that knows all the background told me his first thought was what a sham that all is, but I honestly just hope that he's happy.
This little decade challenge has made me think about just how much has happened in a year. While there's definitely a deep sadness still lurking, I went back to my blog from last November and right around this time I was in a much shittier place. I had let myself meet up with this man right after Halloween because I just missed him too damn much, but never told anyone in my life that I was doing it because frankly I knew they'd try to talk me out of it and I just had this overwhelming feeling of needing more time with him. A week later I went to a concert with my best friend and he got so drunk that he physically hurt me when I told him I wasn't buying him anymore drinks and then a little later in the night sexual assaulted me. When I tried to take his hands out of my pants and turn towards him to ask him what exactly he thought he was doing he just started to kiss me. We were right next to a security guard and even though I didn't want what was happening to be happening, my only thought was that if I make a scene he'll get in trouble and I don't want that. So it was as if I turned myself off and just let it happen. A week after this I was supposed to attend a Friendsgiving, the same one I have tonight, and I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't get my mind to stop looping on the thoughts that it would be so much easier if life was just done. But I called my sister, and I called my friend that was hosting, and between them they convinced me it would be good, and so I left my house and it was worth it.
It took me nearly two months to be able to tell my friend what had happened because he didn't remember. The next three months would result in talking to the man nearly every day, seeing him the week after Thanksgiving and then saying it can't happen again, but then caving and seeing him on Christmas, and then once the new year started, definitely talking everyday and meeting up at least once a week. All this time I told no one about him, and I was still dating other people, trying so hard to accept that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, even though what we were doing certainly had a lot of elements of that, and even though on Valentines Day he told me he loved me too. I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen, I'm not sure if part of me hoped that if he could just remember all the good of us, he'd want me back? Eventually I met someone I thought was worth it, someone I genuinely wanted to try and be in a relationship with, so for once I was the one who ended things, but it didn't matter. I still ended up feeling like I had lost him all over again and I'm sure that played a large role into why I could never feel anything for the man I started to date this past February. I kept hoping it would change... but it didn't and honestly mostly mutually, we ended things near the end of April.
So its been since April that I have tried to actually be with someone and I felt so fucking jaded and tried hard to say goodbye to the man before I went on my trip. I just so badly had this idea that coming back from that was going to be a new chapter, a better one and I needed to do what I could to wrap up these loose ends. He didn't take me up on my offer to have a goodbye and I just tried to accept that being dead to each other was for the best. When I got back from my trip I had the strongest belief that things were not done, that at some point in the future this will circle back around, but not for a while, not until a lot of things were sorted out. Having that feeling didn't make it any easier to find out he was trying again to work things out with someone else and yet again it feels like I have allowed my hurt about this situation with him, to damper the happiness I feel for everything else in my life...
I tried the apps again, but then quickly lost interest and focused on my test but the test is done, and I'm sincerely trying to be open to the idea that I can find love again. Finally met up with a guy last night after two weeks of chatting, and it was a lot of fun, but he's not over his ex. He thinks he is, but I know better...for now it'll be fun to have someone that asks about the nothings of my day, but it's not going to develop into more and I'm not sure I feel any which way about that.
"I wish I was the moon" feels like my theme song as of late and that's not really feeling like a good sign, but I know without a doubt, where I am today, is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at last year and I have so much faith that this time next year I will again be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am now.
Monday, October 21, 2019
Death does not discriminate...
Death gives no fucks if you're old or young, if you're rich or poor, if you're ivy league educated, what you identify as, what the color of your skin is, or whatever higher power you prescribe to. It's the one true equalizer and today at 58 years old, my Aunt died. My cousins are 21 and 28 and they lost their mother today and there are no words that feel worthy to say that express how much my heart hurts for them. She has been sick since the beginning of the summer, but had started to get better and they moved her from West Virginia to John's Hopkins a month ago. I've been trying to fit in a visit since, but between a family wedding on my mom's side and studying for the PE, I never managed to do so...
Wednesday of this week she was so weak she needed to be intubated to be able to breathe and then eventually paralyzed and heavily sedated while being pumped with so many different fluids and medicines. By the time I got there with my mother and twin yesterday, she no longer looked like herself at all. We had planned to be there for only a few hours, but it turned into spending the whole day in the hospital, intermittently crying and laughing as the family reminisced and clung to any hope that she was going to pull through.
I wanted to stay, I didn't want to leave, but my twin had work today, and I needed to continue studying... It feels so fucking ridiculous to be worried about a test when my cousins just lost their mom and it was impossible to focus on finishing my practice exam after my mother got the word that my Aunt had indeed passed. I felt so guilty yesterday when I had the thought that I hope the funeral doesn't coincide with the day of my exam. When I voiced this to my sister as we sat at the base of a giant Jesus statue she told me not to do that to myself, that life still goes on. It would be so nice if we could hit pause when shit falls apart, but we cannot.
My cousin just kept saying how much she wished she could have one more conversation with her Mom and I can't even bare to let myself try to imagine what that feels like. This week started off with a good friend's mental health imploding and at the moment it is unclear when they will regain clarity. Even if it isn't death, sometimes it's illness, or other life circumstances, but you just never really know when the last time with someone you care about, where you can say how you feel and they will understand or be receptive to it, will truly be.
With work still being too busy and stressful, these horrific tragedies to people close to me and this damn test next week, I've wished more than ever I had someone to come home to. Someone to tell me it's all going to be ok. It's a bummer when you have good news and want to share it with a person who is no longer in your life, but it just adds to the devastation when you realize their arms are what your tired sad frame craves.
It was hard to get up today, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and I can't even imagine how my cousins feel, or my dad and his siblings, or my sister, who lives close to my cousin and has truly been a rock star since my Aunt was moved to Maryland. When I finally got up and decided to make myself food I kept remembering how the technicians last night at the hospital told us stories about my Aunt just craving pizza. I decided I'd make a pizza with my mother's favorite toppings, onions, peppers, and mushrooms. It felt productive to make myself a meal, and as I cried while I chopped the veggies, it felt like a homage to my Aunt.
I saw this saying about grief that I can't remember all of, but the gist was that grief is just all the love you still have to give that no longer has its desired destination. So in essence the deepness of your pain is just how much you truly loved them and in some sense you can choose to also be in awe of just how lucky you were to have loved that deeply.
Wednesday of this week she was so weak she needed to be intubated to be able to breathe and then eventually paralyzed and heavily sedated while being pumped with so many different fluids and medicines. By the time I got there with my mother and twin yesterday, she no longer looked like herself at all. We had planned to be there for only a few hours, but it turned into spending the whole day in the hospital, intermittently crying and laughing as the family reminisced and clung to any hope that she was going to pull through.
I wanted to stay, I didn't want to leave, but my twin had work today, and I needed to continue studying... It feels so fucking ridiculous to be worried about a test when my cousins just lost their mom and it was impossible to focus on finishing my practice exam after my mother got the word that my Aunt had indeed passed. I felt so guilty yesterday when I had the thought that I hope the funeral doesn't coincide with the day of my exam. When I voiced this to my sister as we sat at the base of a giant Jesus statue she told me not to do that to myself, that life still goes on. It would be so nice if we could hit pause when shit falls apart, but we cannot.
My cousin just kept saying how much she wished she could have one more conversation with her Mom and I can't even bare to let myself try to imagine what that feels like. This week started off with a good friend's mental health imploding and at the moment it is unclear when they will regain clarity. Even if it isn't death, sometimes it's illness, or other life circumstances, but you just never really know when the last time with someone you care about, where you can say how you feel and they will understand or be receptive to it, will truly be.
With work still being too busy and stressful, these horrific tragedies to people close to me and this damn test next week, I've wished more than ever I had someone to come home to. Someone to tell me it's all going to be ok. It's a bummer when you have good news and want to share it with a person who is no longer in your life, but it just adds to the devastation when you realize their arms are what your tired sad frame craves.
It was hard to get up today, I felt like I'd been hit by a truck and I can't even imagine how my cousins feel, or my dad and his siblings, or my sister, who lives close to my cousin and has truly been a rock star since my Aunt was moved to Maryland. When I finally got up and decided to make myself food I kept remembering how the technicians last night at the hospital told us stories about my Aunt just craving pizza. I decided I'd make a pizza with my mother's favorite toppings, onions, peppers, and mushrooms. It felt productive to make myself a meal, and as I cried while I chopped the veggies, it felt like a homage to my Aunt.
I saw this saying about grief that I can't remember all of, but the gist was that grief is just all the love you still have to give that no longer has its desired destination. So in essence the deepness of your pain is just how much you truly loved them and in some sense you can choose to also be in awe of just how lucky you were to have loved that deeply.
Wednesday, September 25, 2019
What does it mean to heal?
I was reading something the other day that talked about how focusing on letting go is the wrong move, that letting go is actually a by-product of healing and that's where you need to focus your energy. But healing emotional wounds is so different from physical ones... it's hard to clearly identify the extent and the "place" of the wound. I can't flex my muscles or press with my fingers to figure out where it still hurts...
I've been trying to research more things about what it means to "heal" and a lot of what I'm finding is that part of it is really sitting with your emotions and understanding where they stem from at their core, not just the surface level of what triggered them. I think for me personally so much of my pain from the loss of someone I loved deeply activates a childhood wound of not feeling important, of not being chosen. That wound was triggered so many times across my childhood by my parents, but also my twin...and then as I began my romantic life the men I've been in serious relationships with haven't really helped heal it, but have only made it worse.
When I think about the current situation though, the overwhelming feeling is disappointment. I think I let myself get too attached to the idea I had finally found what I've been looking for. The hardest part of now is feeling how much love I still have and yet I have to keep it to myself. It's hard still worrying about their happiness and I really do wish there was an on/off switch for that. I'm a big believer that just because something doesn't work out the way you hoped, doesn't mean it wasn't worth it, or that it wasn't exactly what you needed in that moment, cuz would you have wanted it if it wasn't? I like that phrase that everything is either a lesson or a blessing and only time will tell which. Even though there are times when I'm too far down the black hole of sadness I have trouble believing they were ever genuine with me, for the most part I know no matter how hurtful the roller coaster of that experience has been over the last five years, it without a doubt high lighted for me how very right I was to leave my marriage, how very right I was that while life is hard, love is easy when it's right.
I'm sure there will still be many random days ahead where I miss them so much it hurts, but those days are getting further and further apart and that's enough for now. There's no set time frame for healing and I should do a better job at accepting that and be a little nicer to myself when I feel so pathetic for still wishing things had turned out differently. I had never felt so seen and understood, and nothing has come close, so of course it's hard to let go of that, but I keep hearing my buddy's words, if it happened once, it can happen again.
I've been trying to research more things about what it means to "heal" and a lot of what I'm finding is that part of it is really sitting with your emotions and understanding where they stem from at their core, not just the surface level of what triggered them. I think for me personally so much of my pain from the loss of someone I loved deeply activates a childhood wound of not feeling important, of not being chosen. That wound was triggered so many times across my childhood by my parents, but also my twin...and then as I began my romantic life the men I've been in serious relationships with haven't really helped heal it, but have only made it worse.
When I think about the current situation though, the overwhelming feeling is disappointment. I think I let myself get too attached to the idea I had finally found what I've been looking for. The hardest part of now is feeling how much love I still have and yet I have to keep it to myself. It's hard still worrying about their happiness and I really do wish there was an on/off switch for that. I'm a big believer that just because something doesn't work out the way you hoped, doesn't mean it wasn't worth it, or that it wasn't exactly what you needed in that moment, cuz would you have wanted it if it wasn't? I like that phrase that everything is either a lesson or a blessing and only time will tell which. Even though there are times when I'm too far down the black hole of sadness I have trouble believing they were ever genuine with me, for the most part I know no matter how hurtful the roller coaster of that experience has been over the last five years, it without a doubt high lighted for me how very right I was to leave my marriage, how very right I was that while life is hard, love is easy when it's right.
I'm sure there will still be many random days ahead where I miss them so much it hurts, but those days are getting further and further apart and that's enough for now. There's no set time frame for healing and I should do a better job at accepting that and be a little nicer to myself when I feel so pathetic for still wishing things had turned out differently. I had never felt so seen and understood, and nothing has come close, so of course it's hard to let go of that, but I keep hearing my buddy's words, if it happened once, it can happen again.
Thursday, September 12, 2019
Feeling off...
I've been feeling out of place lately and I'm not entirely sure what exactly is triggering it or if it's just a mess of things or some inner knowing that understands my life is ready to shift again, to move forward in some profound way. I've been working late hours and pulling away from my social things. Some of that is because I'm trying to take studying for my PE seriously this time and knowing that it's easier to have that time for studying if I'm not doing my sports and if I don't even know about the fun things I could be doing. But I've also pulled away because I've been so wrapped up in sadness the last few weeks. For the last two years that last week of August was accompanied with the rekindling of the on again off again mess I've given too much of my life to the last five years. It has been bitter sweet that history hasn't repeated itself. Most of me knows it's for the best and that maybe this means I finally get to truly move forward, but there's still way too much of me that is feeling the loss all over again.
It's a shitty process getting your heart to accept reality...five years has been feeling like such a milestone, and one where I definitely didn't think I'd still be single. In the last eight weeks, at least one friend has gotten engaged every week and it's not that I'm not thrilled for these people, cuz I am, it's just that it feels like my singledom is being thrown in my face more than usual. I'm sure it hasn't helped that I had to give an interview yesterday for my ex-husband applying for a national security level job. Some stranger basically asked me to recount our love story and how we used to spend our time together and then summarize my take on his character and suitability for the job. It was a really weird and strange experience and I felt myself jumping out of my skin as I paced back and forth on the front porch of the old converted Victorian house my office is in. Luckily I had lunch plans with one of my oldest friends and her 11 week old baby and her parents as well. Something about holding a baby that makes everything better. But at the same time as I sat and ate with them, I couldn't help but feel the distance that has grown over the last five years. I used to consider them another set of parents, and her, one of my very best friends. Reminded me again of the charge I've given myself over this next decade, to repair the friendships I let wane as I figured my shit out after getting divorced and immersing myself in a new life with grad school and frisbee. At the moment though I feel disjointed from the frisbee world too. I've been a bit of a hermit since moving into my own place, but I think it was necessary. I feel like I've been doing so much reflection the last year, really evaluating what's important to me and the direction I want my life to go in.
I feel good about work, I feel optimistic about my twin and helping him get to a good place, we talked about moving in together next year and I really think that will be a good thing for both of us. I'm feeling less negative about dating, but certainly not positive, perhaps skeptical is the word? Potentially have a first date tomorrow, but staying home sounds more appealing at the moment... it has been a long week. I came back from my birthday trip so on board and ok with my now, I just want to find a way back to that headspace, instead of this one where I'm looking forward to not now...that headspace of waiting for the mystical better future. Liz Independence is next weekend, two more weddings are on the horizon, things are gonna ramp up with studying and then after the test the holiday craze will start. Hopefully 2019 wraps up quickly and without any drama. I have a good feeling about 2020 and I hope my gut is right.
It's a shitty process getting your heart to accept reality...five years has been feeling like such a milestone, and one where I definitely didn't think I'd still be single. In the last eight weeks, at least one friend has gotten engaged every week and it's not that I'm not thrilled for these people, cuz I am, it's just that it feels like my singledom is being thrown in my face more than usual. I'm sure it hasn't helped that I had to give an interview yesterday for my ex-husband applying for a national security level job. Some stranger basically asked me to recount our love story and how we used to spend our time together and then summarize my take on his character and suitability for the job. It was a really weird and strange experience and I felt myself jumping out of my skin as I paced back and forth on the front porch of the old converted Victorian house my office is in. Luckily I had lunch plans with one of my oldest friends and her 11 week old baby and her parents as well. Something about holding a baby that makes everything better. But at the same time as I sat and ate with them, I couldn't help but feel the distance that has grown over the last five years. I used to consider them another set of parents, and her, one of my very best friends. Reminded me again of the charge I've given myself over this next decade, to repair the friendships I let wane as I figured my shit out after getting divorced and immersing myself in a new life with grad school and frisbee. At the moment though I feel disjointed from the frisbee world too. I've been a bit of a hermit since moving into my own place, but I think it was necessary. I feel like I've been doing so much reflection the last year, really evaluating what's important to me and the direction I want my life to go in.
I feel good about work, I feel optimistic about my twin and helping him get to a good place, we talked about moving in together next year and I really think that will be a good thing for both of us. I'm feeling less negative about dating, but certainly not positive, perhaps skeptical is the word? Potentially have a first date tomorrow, but staying home sounds more appealing at the moment... it has been a long week. I came back from my birthday trip so on board and ok with my now, I just want to find a way back to that headspace, instead of this one where I'm looking forward to not now...that headspace of waiting for the mystical better future. Liz Independence is next weekend, two more weddings are on the horizon, things are gonna ramp up with studying and then after the test the holiday craze will start. Hopefully 2019 wraps up quickly and without any drama. I have a good feeling about 2020 and I hope my gut is right.
Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Death is a Bitch
Right now I'm ridiculously busy at work I haven't had much time to think in the last few weeks, and honestly I'm a bit grateful for that, especially on a day like today. I'm usually super low on this day because it's a day five years ago I still consider to be the worst day of my life. Most of me hopes it continues to be that, but I'm sure there are harder ones ahead and hopefully I'll continue to bring stability and structure to my life so that when those days come, while they may feel devastating, I'm hopeful they won't destroy me. I quite literally have never felt more defeated by life than I did at the end of this day.
They say bad things come in threes and I have to agree. The day started off with a flooded basement due to a broken hot water heater resulting in me having to drop the dog off at day care, run to my folks for a shower, and get to work a little before noon when I had a major deadline that day. It was already going to be a shit day, it was the first time I was going to see my ex-husband since leaving him. We were supposed to be meeting at my therapist's office to have a mediation session, discuss steps forward and what not. Well I was trying to wrap things up at work and ended up asking my ex to grab the dog for me and that I would meet him at my townhouse to drop the dog off and then head to the session together. We let the dog in, I quickly put his food in his bowl, and I remember asking him how long of a walk he'd been on cuz he was panting, but my ex waved off my concern telling me we were going to be late. So off we go to the most heart-breaking, excruciatingly frustrating therapy session of my entire life. Even then, even when there was no point, he never took responsibility for how things played out. It was still all on me, all my fault, it was me who had something wrong with them that I just couldn't be happy, and then he had the audacity to try and hold my hand on the car ride back. I don't think that man was ever grounded in reality.
We get back to the townhouse and I immediately notice the pup hasn't eaten any of his food when usually he eats like I've never fed him. Again I ask how long of a walk he took him on cuz he's passed out, but as I get closer I realize he's not passed out. His tongue is bright purple hanging out of his mouth and there's a weird foam coming out and its around his head. I start to scream for my ex to call for help that something is wrong as I try to figure out if my puppy is still breathing. Eventually all I can mutter is the word "no" over and over again between the uncontrollable sobs until my ex forcibly pulls me away and tells me there's nothing to be done, that he's called my mother and it's time for me to go upstairs. He takes me upstairs to my room as I'm still crying and we embrace and fall to the ground together cuz we literally have just lost our baby, but he completely misreads the situation and starts to take my dress off which causes me to slap his hands away, and he refers to himself as my husband that he can help me change, and I tell him you may be legally, but you are nothing to me anymore get the fuck out of my room. While I'm changing upstairs his best friend gets there and I hear them rummaging around downstairs and then eventually my mom arrives. She heads straight up stairs and while I've still been crying, seeing her makes me completely breakdown. We head downstairs and my ex and his friend have taken the dog and all of his things from my townhouse and headed to the Vet. I start whimpering to my mother about how I have to go back to work, that I haven't finished what I was working on, that it was important. She tells me I'm not going there alone, and drives me to my office, comes in with me and reads a book in an empty cubicle. Finally she takes me home to her house, and a little after midnight makes me a BLT sandwich since I never ate dinner.
To this day I have no idea what happened to my pup...my ex didn't have them perform an autopsy and had him cremated and let his parents keep the ashes which I didn't find out until months later. That pup had been the source of many headaches across the year I had him, but most were really due to in-laws who didn't listen when it came to how to care for him, or a husband who wouldn't be firm with his mother because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. When we had been at the height of our fights, many including the dog, my ex told me to find him a new home, that clearly it was too much for me (as per usual, finding a way to make me feel like it was all my fault) and so I had sincerely looked into that. But eventually I had kicked my non-paying sister in law out of the townhouse, distanced myself from his family, and eventually left him, and when it was just me and the dog, well shit man, things were way better and I remember sitting on my couch with the dog on my lap writing in my journal at the time, and being so surprised at all that had changed, but here he still was and how grateful I was.
Losing an animal that you love, is really fucking hard because while the loss of family is often devastating as well, often times it's not a person you actually live with, and see day in and day out. That fatty fur ball drove across the country with me and was a constant in my life during a year of immense growth and his absence was overpowering at times. While I often miss him, for the most part I can recognize the blessing in disguise that was his passing, because it really did grant me a clean slate. There is nothing tying me to that chapter of my life and I am forever grateful for that. I really don't think I would have accomplished all that I have these last five years if I'd still been a dog mom.
They say bad things come in threes and I have to agree. The day started off with a flooded basement due to a broken hot water heater resulting in me having to drop the dog off at day care, run to my folks for a shower, and get to work a little before noon when I had a major deadline that day. It was already going to be a shit day, it was the first time I was going to see my ex-husband since leaving him. We were supposed to be meeting at my therapist's office to have a mediation session, discuss steps forward and what not. Well I was trying to wrap things up at work and ended up asking my ex to grab the dog for me and that I would meet him at my townhouse to drop the dog off and then head to the session together. We let the dog in, I quickly put his food in his bowl, and I remember asking him how long of a walk he'd been on cuz he was panting, but my ex waved off my concern telling me we were going to be late. So off we go to the most heart-breaking, excruciatingly frustrating therapy session of my entire life. Even then, even when there was no point, he never took responsibility for how things played out. It was still all on me, all my fault, it was me who had something wrong with them that I just couldn't be happy, and then he had the audacity to try and hold my hand on the car ride back. I don't think that man was ever grounded in reality.
We get back to the townhouse and I immediately notice the pup hasn't eaten any of his food when usually he eats like I've never fed him. Again I ask how long of a walk he took him on cuz he's passed out, but as I get closer I realize he's not passed out. His tongue is bright purple hanging out of his mouth and there's a weird foam coming out and its around his head. I start to scream for my ex to call for help that something is wrong as I try to figure out if my puppy is still breathing. Eventually all I can mutter is the word "no" over and over again between the uncontrollable sobs until my ex forcibly pulls me away and tells me there's nothing to be done, that he's called my mother and it's time for me to go upstairs. He takes me upstairs to my room as I'm still crying and we embrace and fall to the ground together cuz we literally have just lost our baby, but he completely misreads the situation and starts to take my dress off which causes me to slap his hands away, and he refers to himself as my husband that he can help me change, and I tell him you may be legally, but you are nothing to me anymore get the fuck out of my room. While I'm changing upstairs his best friend gets there and I hear them rummaging around downstairs and then eventually my mom arrives. She heads straight up stairs and while I've still been crying, seeing her makes me completely breakdown. We head downstairs and my ex and his friend have taken the dog and all of his things from my townhouse and headed to the Vet. I start whimpering to my mother about how I have to go back to work, that I haven't finished what I was working on, that it was important. She tells me I'm not going there alone, and drives me to my office, comes in with me and reads a book in an empty cubicle. Finally she takes me home to her house, and a little after midnight makes me a BLT sandwich since I never ate dinner.
To this day I have no idea what happened to my pup...my ex didn't have them perform an autopsy and had him cremated and let his parents keep the ashes which I didn't find out until months later. That pup had been the source of many headaches across the year I had him, but most were really due to in-laws who didn't listen when it came to how to care for him, or a husband who wouldn't be firm with his mother because he didn't want to hurt her feelings. When we had been at the height of our fights, many including the dog, my ex told me to find him a new home, that clearly it was too much for me (as per usual, finding a way to make me feel like it was all my fault) and so I had sincerely looked into that. But eventually I had kicked my non-paying sister in law out of the townhouse, distanced myself from his family, and eventually left him, and when it was just me and the dog, well shit man, things were way better and I remember sitting on my couch with the dog on my lap writing in my journal at the time, and being so surprised at all that had changed, but here he still was and how grateful I was.
Losing an animal that you love, is really fucking hard because while the loss of family is often devastating as well, often times it's not a person you actually live with, and see day in and day out. That fatty fur ball drove across the country with me and was a constant in my life during a year of immense growth and his absence was overpowering at times. While I often miss him, for the most part I can recognize the blessing in disguise that was his passing, because it really did grant me a clean slate. There is nothing tying me to that chapter of my life and I am forever grateful for that. I really don't think I would have accomplished all that I have these last five years if I'd still been a dog mom.
Friday, August 16, 2019
The Dance
I decided when I got back from my trip that I was going to be more intentional with trying to date. I got back on my OkC profile and recently downloaded Hinge. Have actually gone on two dates which is exciting but I've been quickly reminded that dating can often bring anxiety with it. Overall my typical experience over the last five years has basically been 69% of dudes make it sexual right off the bat and basically become their own cock block... 30% decide they're in love with me after a first date and want too much too quickly and it freaks me out, and then 1% I'm genuinely into but either they haven't actually been emotionally available or they just aren't into me. It's really a demoralizing process...
There's always this dance of how blunt and honest to be early on, how much attention to give, how much to expect, while at the same time not wanting to waste my time or someone else's but still being hopeful of a connection. Not knowing how honest to be about going on dates with others if you've started to see someone but it's not a committed thing yet. I don't like lying but how much do you really owe someone you barely know? But it's also the whole not wanting them to think you're no longer interested, cuz that's not necessarily the case it just seems so silly to me these days, to jump all in on something and shut down everything else, but at the same time can you give someone a fair shot if you're distracted by others? The way it tends to happen every time I've decided to date again is that I'll get like five guys I've been on more than two dates with and I slowly decide who I want to spend more time with, then end up with one, we start to date, and so far by about the third month, it becomes clear there's no future...
Sometimes it's been a mutual realization, which is nice, no hard feelings. Other times it's been really painful to tell someone I've grown to care about and I know cares about me that I'm never going to love them in the way that they want me too. What I learned in my marriage though is that it's really important to recognize that sometimes we can love someone for how much they love us, but not actually love them for who they are...getting married before I actually knew myself or what's truly important to me was my biggest mistake, but I think the things I learned from that relationship are invaluable as well as all the other things I've picked up throughout the rest of my twenties.
I think it's not a bad idea to try and list out some of the key things I've learned, a nice way to recenter myself as I begin evaluating the people that I'm meeting...
1. Wanting to be friends regardless of a romantic interest is a great indicator that you respect someone and think highly of them. All good things to have when the goal is a lasting and healthy relationship because generally you'll have shared interests you can explore together and strengthen your bond.
2. Recognize that when you bring someone into your life, you're opening yourself up to their circle as well. If you can't be yourself around their chosen family, that doesn't bode well for longevity because that can often indicate there is a key factor of your partner that doesn't align with you.
3. A partner that has a full life in their own right that their content with is someone who has done the inner work to be self sustaining. While we all experience lows and need to rely on our network, someone who hasn't figured out how to be happy on their own will consistently drain you, and that's not sustainable. It is impossible for one person to meet all of your emotional needs. No one deserves to have that expected of them.
4. If you would never ask this person for life advice, you don't view them as an equal and if a partnership is your goal, you gotta feel like you're on the same level.
5. Having a complimentary sense of humor is SUPER important. Being able to laugh together is key to surviving the hard that inevitably lands on your doorstep.
6. Sharing similar morals and values not only impacts what you deem important i.e. typically how you'll agree where to spend your money, your time, and your energy, if you choose to have children, you have to be on the same page to provide those kids with stability and consistency.
7. Someone who is close with their family shows they believe family is important. But it's also important they've established healthy boundaries and there isn't a codependency because you will never come between those kinds of relationships and oftentimes that means you will have intrusive in-laws that will not respect your own rules for your life with your SO or raising your potential children.
8. If you find yourself saying "things will be better when this changes" make sure you're not holding out for someone to change, because unless they want to, people for the most part do not change. There's a difference between remaining optimistic through a difficult circumstance that is temporary, and continually excusing a behavior that clearly doesn't sit well with you.
9. No one is perfect, we are all human and we all make mistakes, all enduring relationships require forgiveness. However if someone says sorry yet doesn't learn from the experience and repeats the hurtful behavior, they're not actually sorry. The adage of "actions speak louder than words" holds true.
10. Love languages and communication styles are important to understand in all relationships but particularly romantic ones. No one is a mind reader, being able to clearly state your needs and your feelings is important. Also understanding that your partner may not receive love the same way you do is imperative in making sure your efforts at showing you care are effective.
11. Comparison is the death of joy which goes hand in hand with my current phrase of obsession "expectations are the blueprints for disappointment". This doesn't mean you don't have standards, it just means you cannot create expectations based on someone else's life you see the high light reel of on social media because that isn't reality. Having expectations that aren't grounded in reality will always lead to disappointment and cause your partner to feel like no matter what they do, they can never make you happy and that's a lose lose for everyone.
I think these days I have a good idea of the type of person I'm holding out for, but I know the core of it all, is that I'm just after true mutuality. I hope I luck into that soon, it's been a long time since I've had a person to dream about the future with.
There's always this dance of how blunt and honest to be early on, how much attention to give, how much to expect, while at the same time not wanting to waste my time or someone else's but still being hopeful of a connection. Not knowing how honest to be about going on dates with others if you've started to see someone but it's not a committed thing yet. I don't like lying but how much do you really owe someone you barely know? But it's also the whole not wanting them to think you're no longer interested, cuz that's not necessarily the case it just seems so silly to me these days, to jump all in on something and shut down everything else, but at the same time can you give someone a fair shot if you're distracted by others? The way it tends to happen every time I've decided to date again is that I'll get like five guys I've been on more than two dates with and I slowly decide who I want to spend more time with, then end up with one, we start to date, and so far by about the third month, it becomes clear there's no future...
Sometimes it's been a mutual realization, which is nice, no hard feelings. Other times it's been really painful to tell someone I've grown to care about and I know cares about me that I'm never going to love them in the way that they want me too. What I learned in my marriage though is that it's really important to recognize that sometimes we can love someone for how much they love us, but not actually love them for who they are...getting married before I actually knew myself or what's truly important to me was my biggest mistake, but I think the things I learned from that relationship are invaluable as well as all the other things I've picked up throughout the rest of my twenties.
I think it's not a bad idea to try and list out some of the key things I've learned, a nice way to recenter myself as I begin evaluating the people that I'm meeting...
1. Wanting to be friends regardless of a romantic interest is a great indicator that you respect someone and think highly of them. All good things to have when the goal is a lasting and healthy relationship because generally you'll have shared interests you can explore together and strengthen your bond.
2. Recognize that when you bring someone into your life, you're opening yourself up to their circle as well. If you can't be yourself around their chosen family, that doesn't bode well for longevity because that can often indicate there is a key factor of your partner that doesn't align with you.
3. A partner that has a full life in their own right that their content with is someone who has done the inner work to be self sustaining. While we all experience lows and need to rely on our network, someone who hasn't figured out how to be happy on their own will consistently drain you, and that's not sustainable. It is impossible for one person to meet all of your emotional needs. No one deserves to have that expected of them.
4. If you would never ask this person for life advice, you don't view them as an equal and if a partnership is your goal, you gotta feel like you're on the same level.
5. Having a complimentary sense of humor is SUPER important. Being able to laugh together is key to surviving the hard that inevitably lands on your doorstep.
6. Sharing similar morals and values not only impacts what you deem important i.e. typically how you'll agree where to spend your money, your time, and your energy, if you choose to have children, you have to be on the same page to provide those kids with stability and consistency.
7. Someone who is close with their family shows they believe family is important. But it's also important they've established healthy boundaries and there isn't a codependency because you will never come between those kinds of relationships and oftentimes that means you will have intrusive in-laws that will not respect your own rules for your life with your SO or raising your potential children.
8. If you find yourself saying "things will be better when this changes" make sure you're not holding out for someone to change, because unless they want to, people for the most part do not change. There's a difference between remaining optimistic through a difficult circumstance that is temporary, and continually excusing a behavior that clearly doesn't sit well with you.
9. No one is perfect, we are all human and we all make mistakes, all enduring relationships require forgiveness. However if someone says sorry yet doesn't learn from the experience and repeats the hurtful behavior, they're not actually sorry. The adage of "actions speak louder than words" holds true.
10. Love languages and communication styles are important to understand in all relationships but particularly romantic ones. No one is a mind reader, being able to clearly state your needs and your feelings is important. Also understanding that your partner may not receive love the same way you do is imperative in making sure your efforts at showing you care are effective.
11. Comparison is the death of joy which goes hand in hand with my current phrase of obsession "expectations are the blueprints for disappointment". This doesn't mean you don't have standards, it just means you cannot create expectations based on someone else's life you see the high light reel of on social media because that isn't reality. Having expectations that aren't grounded in reality will always lead to disappointment and cause your partner to feel like no matter what they do, they can never make you happy and that's a lose lose for everyone.
I think these days I have a good idea of the type of person I'm holding out for, but I know the core of it all, is that I'm just after true mutuality. I hope I luck into that soon, it's been a long time since I've had a person to dream about the future with.
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