Falling

I haven't written in a while because two months ago I saw a face on facebook dating that has already redefined what to be loved means to me. I haven't felt the need to write since I met him but right now I have this desire to preserve some memories of these early days because I think this is it. I think I have finally lucked into what I have been holding out for and I can barely believe any of it is real but he met my sister this weekend and it's starting to feel a little more grounded. So much of our time together has felt a bit dream like and I really didn't think I'd ever get to feel like that about someone again. Mid May I was seriously researching freezing my eggs and co-parenting websites that match you with someone who also really wanted a family but things haven't worked out romantically. Like I made a profile for two of them, but the Monday after that weekend something in me just said try one more time. I'd never used facebook dating so I decided what the heck and turned it on and the first profile I was shown I was immediately a "yes please" and it showed we had one friend in common, my closest girlfriend here in Maryland. I went to like him, and it wouldn't let me because I hadn't built out my profile yet, and once I'd finished he wasn't there anymore! I immediately texted my friend giving as much detail as I could remember and spent twenty minutes swiping until I found him again and by then he had already liked me :) 

My friend, who I think from now on I will call Melleth since I feel like we really bonded last year while planning our lord of the rings marathon watch party, had nothing but nice things to say about him which immediately created a sense of comfort. From the very first conversation via the app everything was different. I don't think I've ever had someone ask me such direct and intense questions about me, and my life and my experience and genuinely pay attention to what I had to say. This man has genuinely studied me and already more often than not knows exactly what I'm thinking just by looking at my face. We have an absurd amount of things in common and many shared experiences. He was also married in his early twenties while he was in the air force and lived in Japan for four years and then got divorced in his mid twenties. Shortly after, he was also a part of an affair with a coworker that was super intense and hard to move on from. He then had some hoe phases as well lol In the last few years he's a had a few relationships but none more than 9 months. We definitely comiserated about how awful the dating apps are and how close we were to just giving up. He bought a house on 8 acres of land in northern Maryland very close to the PA border and has plans to turn it into a homestead, with chickens and maybe goats, a solar array, all the veggies, some fruit trees, and eventually a lavender field. Every major topic we've discussed we've been on the same page. We enjoy the same kind of shows and movies and he loves to read so that aspect has been easy, and he even gladly watched a sappy romance with me last week and it was amazing. I've never watched one with a significant other, they always complained and that was just something I would do on my own time. There were so many aspects of my previous relationships where I really was just alone and I've never really had a partner, like I've always been after.

This man is so fucking thoughtful and consistent and loving. Before I left for my Ireland trip with my family he just up and offered to take care of Lady. And before I came home he asked me what groceries I wanted so that I could come home to food. He's already picked up on my preferences for snacks and food items and adjusted his own shopping list and keeps those things at his house for me. Last weekend I helped my younger brother and his wife move and when my sister dropped me back off at his place that Sunday evening he had drawn me a bubble bath, lit candles, and then left to go pick us up dinner and gave me time alone to decompress. I was supposed to head back to my place that night after watching House of Dragon and instead I just stayed until Tuesday morning.  I'm struggling to accept that I deserve to be loved like this, I keep waiting for him to change his mind. But I've been so brutally honest about everything I've been through and how the last time I felt this deeply about someone, I was so fucking wrong about them. He has been nothing but patient with me as I take a little bit longer to fully let myself fall. He's all in with no reservations and I can so easily see my entire future with him. Even though it's only been two months, it feels SO much longer than that. Immediately he felt familiar, but we've had so many intense and deep conversations, we've talked on the phone for 6 hours, and regularly 3 hours. It almost feels like we've been together for a year already which is insane but also kinda wonderful. I already hate being away from him and that scares me a bit, but overall I'm just trying to lean into it because I really do think this is the last time I'm going to fall in love.

Reckless

Well the hyper fixation on TTPD finally lifted enough for me to check out the new St. Vincent album, I had every intention of listening the day it dropped, but accommodating a last minute trip to NOLA because Buddha was experiencing suicidal ideation, I had more important things to focus on. But damn, I've only listened once through and currently just put Reckless on for a second listen cuz it was the one that stood out the most to me, but looking forward to really getting to know the rest of it. Annie Clark makes the kind of music Taylor Swift could only ever dream of making. Taylor does an amazing job of capturing specific kinds of emotions with lyrics that paint vivid images, and while the music is enjoyable and catchy, there's never really anything all that impressive. St. Vincent is immersive in a way that is hard to explain but I'm definitely going to make a point to see her on tour for this album.  This is definitely the best part of being fully remote, I am BLASTING this album right now and getting pumped to dive into some modeling work for a nuclear power plant. I'm sure I'll have more thoughts as I get further acquainted but there's something so special about an album you can listen all the way through, no skips. But these lines from Reckless "And every part of you is in me now, there's no going back, I breath you out" and this magnificent bridge "I've been mourning you since the day I met you" just are resonating. All the re-reading of my old blog entries and the wonder if the reader is the man has me remembering the reckless energy that relationship brings out of me. There's still parts of me that would dive right back into that maelstrom without hesitation and that's a bit worrisome. I think I hoped at some point I would grow and mature enough that none of that would be appealing, but I think I have become a bit comfortably numb if you will. I have forgotten what it's like to feel connected to someone and so I've been perseverating on the strongest and most intense connection I've ever had and I need to stop. If I keep idolizing this idea of what I think I've been after I will miss the reality of my present. I'm really hoping the desire to date and putting myself out there comes back sooner than later. 

We had my cousin's confirmation yesterday and I saw a lot of the family on my dad's side for the first time in a while. My one aunt had seen the video I posted of surprising my mom with Taylor Swift tickets and told me she thought I had told her that I was pregnant. And out slipped my mouth "Oh no, I wish, but no" and ugh what a gut punch, cuz I was being honest. I had just met my cousin's newborn earlier that day and held her for a long time and she just melted into my chest and had that perfect baby smell and that familiar ache I've been experiencing since my late twenties surfaced once again. My soul longs to be a mother and I get more afraid with every year that passes that I never will be. I always soothe myself by saying I will adopt should a family never happen organically, and I know I will, but it doesn't do much to ease the sadness I feel about it all. I've been divorced nine years now, and it'll be ten years since I left my Sailor in July and while I've done a lot of living across these years, sometimes I'm really not sure how much progress and growth in my ability to have a healthy long term commitment I've really made. I'm feeling a bit stir crazy lately and just a bit desperate to feel something again. I think I gotta get my butt back into regular therapy again :( 

While the time between my Sailor and Champlain I consider myself to have been mostly single since I was never in a serious relationship across that time, there were always men that I was dating or talking to for almost that entire time. Even those ten months between the third and final round with the man even though I was celibate for six months, there were still always these men chatting me up and trying to date me. With the matchmaker service there was no chatting ahead of a date, and only one of them did I see more than once. Like over the past year, I have only experienced flirty banter like twice and it was with Gray. I am in a romantic rut and I gotta do something to get the fuck out of it. I wish I knew what.  

Halfway

Five years ago today I started this blog when I was 6 weeks away from my 30th birthday and now I'm approaching 35 and officially at the halfway mark of this decade. I'm not currently planning a three week massive solo trip, but I am planning a 10 day trip to Ireland to see Taylor, check out that master's program, and explore the land of my ancestors with my mom and siblings. I am so very pumped and just know it's going to be an experience of a lifetime and something all of us treasure.

Who knows if it's all one person, but whomever is doing a deep dive into my one sided conversations has resulted in me re-reading a lot of my old stuff which has been mostly cathartic. At this point I think they've read like every entry across almost all the blogs, just not the one saved for my thoughts to the man. I don't really write too regularly in there anymore though, but woof a lot of those are heavy. Yesterday I re-read an early one of this blog where I made a list of the 16 things I wanted to do before the decade was out and I've made some serious progress on a lot of them! Have continued my US adventures and feel confident I will check the remaining states off in the next few years, especially since my college bestie just announced she's getting married in Alaska next year!!! I've definitely been making major strides in repairing relationships with people that matter to me, I do indeed now own a piano :) but I need to get on actually playing it regularly. Last night during my plane ride home from a VERY last minute trip to NOLA for a belated 30th celebration of Buddha I picked 16 songs from my Someday playlist. That playlist has been a keeper of songs that make me think of the man and definitely invoke a lot of emotion. One of the items on my list was to try out for one of those singing contest shows so my current goal is to learn to play those sixteen songs on the piano and practice singing them and maybe post some shit somewhere, go to some open mic things, and just get comfortable singing in public. Then just do it, I know it's doubtful I'll make it past the initial submission, but that's not the point, it's to push myself beyond my comfort zone doing something I have loved for as long as I can remember to fulfill a dream of little me. 

Speaking of dreams and going out of your comfort zone I finally participated in a threesome down in NOLA and honestly just disappointed. The dude ended up having a tiny limp dick :( Like I'm pretty sure I would have had more fun if it had just been Buddha and I LOL After he left he sent me a text that just said "Sorry 😞" hahahaha and then sent me something later the next day about how the experience messed with his self esteem as if I owe him comfort. Burdman wanted me to call him out for his inadequacies but I just told him he probably psyched himself out and that we had a fun night overall. Which we did, just not with him lol. He offered to make it up to us but I just left him on read and moved on with our plans. What a Friday night that was though, a delicious dinner, SO much dancing, lots of drinks, and my annual cigar it seems lol, giving my digits to the bouncer of one of the bars that told me I was stunning and gave me a rose made out of palm leaves, and then the Penthouse which honestly is officially one of my favorites places to go to in New Orleans. The women are gorgeous, the place is classy, and I felt so baller buying a lap dance for Buddha. Eventually at like 3:00am the bouncer met us at the strip club and then gave us ride back to our airbnb. The making out and him carrying me to my room was definitely enjoyable, but overall the experience just made me wish that Buddha and I had actually had a threesome with the man all those years ago. Now that would have been an experience to remember for sure. I genuinely miss the chemistry I shared with the man and I really hope I am lucky enough to meet someone who brings out that side of me again. I know my resolution this year was to have more sex, but I have not made a lot of progress on that, I am not even on the apps currently and I don't have a desire to be either. There's no point in forcing it though, I'm hoping that once we get back from the Ireland trip that I'll have a renewed impetus to put myself out there. If my life is actually a dramatic rom com I'm gonna meet someone over there haha. Honestly if we successfully trace our lineage, I'm 100% applying for dual citizenship and would definitely move there for an extended period of time. All the cousins joked about a group move there like last week. A few weeks ago my sister asked me where I wanted to settle down and I just immediately replied "Where ever you are". I didn't even have to think about it, it's the truth. Close to her and my other siblings is what I want, whether or not that's how life is going to unfold, we shall see. 

The family history stuff has been really cool though. I knew my maternal grandmother was from the Scranton area but turns out her dad was also a miner. Made me wonder how big those communities were and whether or not my ancestors knew the man's. What a wild thing that would be if it were true. I wonder when my brain will stop connecting the dots of my life experiences back to the man. He is a stranger, and has been for years now. I think the what if of it all is just really hard to quiet, and I always knew it would be, I always knew the way I felt about him was rare, but maybe I didn't know just how rare. He once pleaded for me to never forget him and I remember scoffing when I read it because lord knows how hard I've tried to do just that with no success. Reading through all those old posts and I noticed that he is just ever present in my thoughts and the way that I seem to make sense of my life and I do think that's because the moments I did share with him have been when I made the most sense to myself. I really do look forward to the day when I am actively building a life and growing a relationship with someone who is all in with me. I have so much love to give and so far it feels like it has been wasted on people who either didn't deserve it, or didn't want it. I'm just going to keep on trying to be ready for that person whomever that is, and whenever the timing will finally be right.

Feeling Light

Welp per usual miss Swift speaks to my soul. Seems like many people on the interwebs are dumb founded that the majority of her double album is about some "fling" and not her six year relationship but damn can I relate. Gosh I remember so vividly how fucking crazy I felt when I was absolutely devastated to have lost the man after only six weeks when my very own six year relationship already felt like a lifetime ago when in reality it had barely been over for a few weeks before things started. Three months hadn't even passed between the day I finally pulled the trigger on my divorce before the affair was over as well. This summer will be ten years since this all happened, and apparently 2014 is also the first time Taylor and her loml first fell. Time doesn't really mean much when you connect with someone and feel seen and understood. At this time ten years ago I had just started therapy for the first time as an adult because my Sailor had convinced me that there was something wrong with me after I had genuinely tried to end things in person and he just didn't accept that it was over. I think at the time I kept trying to salvage things because I was still in denial I had made such a big mistake. I also don't think I was quite ready to start all over again. While change is exciting, it's also always so overwhelming and so very hard. 

If I could reach through time and talk to younger me I would tell her that she was right, that what she wanted and was after was not a fantasy and that she did deserve so much more than what she had resigned herself to. I would tell her the choice to leave was the first one of many in making a life that was no longer a cage. That she would continue to live many more chapters in this life, all with so many delicious highs, along with some very painful lows, but a rich and loud life all the same. I don't know if I would warn her about the man, even now knowing how much heartache just knowing him would cause, I don't think I'd ever not want to have experienced that love. Our little bubble was always so magical and these days I'm grateful I did get to have all the days I did have with him. There were so many that I so dearly wanted to share with him that I never will, and there's parts of me that will mourn that forever. I was so convinced that I was perfect for him and he was perfect for me and that together we would help each other heal all of our trauma and continue growing into the best versions of ourselves. Someone has been reading through all the old blogs and it made me revisit some of those entries too. The feelings this man evokes in me have just always been so fucking intense and I so understand that obsession of needing to hold on to it. To feel that alive is rare, I knew it back then, but man do I know it now. It's been just over a year now since the man and I interacted with each other in preparation for Burdman's birthday. I'm really not sure I'll ever see him again and while I hate we never figured out how to be friends, it's probably a good thing because if we had, I would have never reached this place now where I have forgotten so much. I can't hear his voice or his laugh, nor can I see the way he used to look at me. If those were all still fresh I don't think anyone else would stand a chance. 

While I'm still hopeful to find that someone to love and grow with, this season seems to be about refocusing on me after giving so much to so many people in my life. I just finished my first week at my new job working with my mentor and I'm so genuinely happy. The month off was amazing, I'm so grateful to past me for deciding to just go to the Bahamas for a few days it was exactly what I needed. I have a lot of work ahead of me the next few weeks to get through my research paper for my class that I really thought I was going to do more of during the time off, but I really just needed rest. It's so hard to fight that internal voice that tells you that you're a piece of shit if you're not productive but we're not here to be productive. We're here to witness, experience and share love. That's it. Everything else that has been shoved down our throats is just a construct of the reality that we've collectively made. It's a reality that is definitely continuing to shift and while I'm anxious about the election this year and the divisiveness we're experiencing, I'm continually reminded of all the positive changes that have been happening right alongside all of the awful. I do still believe that this grand experiment that is the United States can be a place where every person has the ability to realize their dreams, no matter where or to who they were born to. I think at some point I really will get involved in politics, but for now I'm just gonna focus on learning my new role, starting a new business line as was discussed this week (!!!) and forming a healthy routine for myself and Lady.

I have a good feeling about this next chapter and am so relieved at how much lighter I feel after life felt so very heavy these past few years. 

The Sum

Right now I'm a few days away from a month of technically being unemployed for the first time since I was 14. It has honestly been unnerving and I'm hoping by the end of this week to have officially accepted my new role. I've never left a job before firmly having the next one but I've never had a supervisor so clearly gunning for me. My last day was the 15th and while last week was my first week off, it was crazy busy because it was my in person "Lab" in DC for the course I'm taking this semester. It was an amazing week, truly invigorating and so many of my classmates were incredibly impressive. I definitely know that at some point I need to work in the capital but it's very much about who you know.  I have no desire to start over, so a few more years in the industry and getting that master's in global climate change and policy should make it feasible for a more lateral transfer. Maybe through targeted contracts I can begin supporting policy efforts even sooner...However I'm not sure I'm in a financial position to go after that masters anytime soon. This current program was supposed to be completely covered by my previous firm and that obviously hasn't worked out. I was chatting with Burdman yesterday and I was telling him that without a family or close group of friends I see regularly, not having a job creates this really big hole. I am burnt out and I do need the time off, but I think I will be able to enjoy the time off when my immediate future is more settled.

I did decide to fill some of my time today with getting my 13th tattoo. It was a slow start after waking up to the horrible news about FSK. Wild that I was part of the feasibility study last year for the new dock they need to build ahead of the reconstruction. They've known the bridge has needed to be replaced for a while now, thankfully this all happened in the middle of the night, the loss of life could have been so much worse. With the port being closed, we'll have to wait and see just how steep the ramifications to the supply-chain will truly be...

This most recent tattoo is one that has been kicking around in my head for about a year. A long time ago at this point I once told the man "our lives are the sum of our choices" and I recently heard that phrase in a movie trailer and I was like yup that's a sign, time to get that tattoo. So I got a decision tree wrapped around a sigma. I love it. I'm hoping just like my first tattoo, being able to look down at it during this phase of transition will continue to inspire me to make better choices and focus on myself. I've spent so much of my life focused on others that I think I'm going to spend a little longer being intentionally single. I thought in September I was ready to try again and in December even invested in a matchmaker service. I was already feeling like I just needed to step away from it after that terrible date, but after this last date I had, I for sure know I have no interest in putting myself out there right now. I ended up meeting with this guy I matched with on a dating app years ago, like at least 2019 but quite possibly sooner than that. I used to have my Instagram linked to my profile and he ended up messaging me there a few months after my 30th birthday trip letting me know he had been reading along and was sorry he hadn't given me much thought when we first matched. We've had a few short conversations via messenger over the years but he was local for a conference so we agreed to meet up. It was a little weird knowing that he knew lots of pretty vulnerable things about my life, but also that this blog and these thoughts are such a small part of my experience. When I told my sister I was meeting him I told her it feels like I going out with a groupie lol. When I asked him if I lived up to online me, he told me that in person me was more interesting and that he could listen to me talk for hours. I liked that sentiment and I enjoyed learning about his many past lives. But after walking me to my car he made the assumption that I'd want him to come over and any part of me that was wondering if this was something worth exploring completely evaporated. I guess I thought that someone who is familiar with this part of me, would know that feeling like I'm only good for the physical parts of a relationship has been a recurring theme and one I very much no longer wish to cycle through. 

I'm not sure how long it's going to take for me to want to start trying again and that definitely makes me anxious because my hopes of a family are feeling like a pipe dream. If biological kids end up becoming infeasible, I will adopt, and if I finally luck into a worth while relationship, damn I can barely comprehend just how grateful I'll be to have found them and how hard I'm gonna love them. 

Date from hell

I can't believe I paid a matchmaker to go on this HORRIBLE DATE.

Miraculously, my chronically late ass actually leaves on time, but then there's an accident so I'm about ten minutes late and quickly park in the first garage I see and know I'll deal with the probably absurd cost later. At this point the only thing I know about the guy is his first name and that he's a lawyer, they don't even show you pictures ahead of these dates. So I walk in to the restaurant and the only dude waiting is this swanky looking guy in a long tweed jacket about my height with slicked back hair, but he clearly hasn't embraced his receding hairline and it's not quite working. He says my name as a question and I do my best to dismiss my first impression and have a good night.

The hostess takes us upstairs where it's much quieter and more intimate and then before she can seat us he rudely tells her, doesn't ask, that we'd like to be seated downstairs where the bar and TVs are setup. Strike two because now I have to practically shout to talk to him and had to repeat myself several times. Then our waitress comes by with menus and after she walks away he announces that he's not eating but it's fine if I want to. Excuse me? This is a DINNER date. At this point I'm like well fuck does this dude even want to be here?? I'm fucking starving and just drove through shitty traffic to get there so I get a chicken pot pie because fuck it. 

We end up having a really nice conversation, he's done some interesting things, he did ask engaging questions about me and my life and work, but the vibe is still confusing. It took him three separate quips to hammer home that he went to Harvard like I'm supposed to  automatically assume he went there because he mentioned offhand he lived in Boston for a bit, or know the Kennedy school is the law school of Harvard. Shit went right over my head. Eventually the waitress comes by to ask if we'd like to see the dessert menu and as the words "yes please" are coming out of my mouth this jabroni asks for the check! Like we had not discussed being done at all, it's be an hour, hour and a half TOPS and I've had one drink. So she awkwardly walks away and then brings the dessert menu but I'm not gonna order something now, he just made me feel like he's just done with this date and I'm already thinking I'll just grab a milkshake from the cold stone I saw on the way in and have it for my hour drive home. So we get the check and I say you didn't get any food, I feel weird letting you pay so we split the bill and I'm totally expecting this to be the end of the evening but completely dumbstruck it's over this soon.

We get outside and I'm expecting him to walk me to my car and instead he asks if I want to go back to his place where it's quieter and have another round of drinks. He says it's only a ten minute walk. Firstly I'm genuinely surprised, I truly wasn't sure at all if he liked me. I'm no where near ready to get back in the car, I already know I'm never seeing this Harvard douchebag ever again, but he has a handsome face and no one has kissed me in months so I think what the hell. We walk to his place, have those drinks and start taking turns picking music videos to play on his TV and he begins to ask me about my tattoos. Eventually we're making out on his couch, it's good, I'm into it, but then he makes it clear he wants to take things further and I firmly state I'm not sleeping with him but that doesn't mean we can't have a good time. However that somehow translated to we are in a porno now because that man proceeded to strip himself, slap my tit upon reengagement and then tell me to get on my knees. In retrospect, this is when I should have given up on the night, but instead I just look at him, scoff and say no I'm not doing that to my knees and then ask if he's ever knelt on a hardwood floor for an extended period of time, to which he lightly laughs and says no (I'm sorry but I gotta at least like you to put that kind of effort in). So instead I say we can move to the bedroom, but my boundary stands. I help him get there, and he gets me tissues, but then makes NO moves to return the favor. I'm thoroughly revved up so I start taking care of myself because it's become painfully obvious it ain't gonna happen from him. He acknowledges what's happening and says he's going to watch, and I'm like you can do that or you can help I don't care. He has a topless woman in patterned fishnets on his bed pleasuring herself, and he proceeds to FOLD his clothes and then leaves the room saying "I'll give you a massage when you're done". WHAT?! Why did he leave!!?

This night can't get any more ridiculous so when I come out to the living room I'm down for this massage I guess, but then this fucker asks if he can go first. I honestly don't know why I obliged, but I made damn sure I had my turn for this activity. Eventually I notice it's almost eleven and still have a drive ahead of me. So I get back in my dress and put on my heels and he just asks if I know where I'm going. Nothing about walking me to my car or getting me a ride back to it. Whatever, it's DC and I'm from the Philly suburbs and lived in West Philly during grad school, but still. I don't know why I still had any hope for this man to be any sort of a gentleman.

The ten minute walk feels much further this time and I definitely have blisters forming on the balls of my feet. Finally, I get to the garage and it's fucking locked and there's a metal gate at the ramp. I couldn't even walk it if I wanted to. There's no number for the garage on the ticket or any of the visible signage. I'm exhausted, there's no way I'm interacting with that guy again, and worst of all the cold stone was already closed as well. So I book a last minute hotel and just laugh at myself because I cannot believe the evening I've just had.

The next morning, the gate is still down but the sportbook place it's related to is finally open. I walk in and ask what I need to do to have my ticket validated. My options were to either pay $50 for the parking, or bet $50 and that is why I placed my first ever bet on the Kansas City Chiefs to win the Superbowl.

SO all that to say, I really hope Travis and the Chief's win so that maybe I break even on a night from hell and hopefully this will be the beginning of better luck. Doing my best to still believe that maybe this year I'll find my Travis.

Another Life

The day is almost over and I'm thinking about how in another life maybe I'd be wrapping up an eventful weekend celebrating the man's 40th. I hope today and this weekend he was loved loudly and with an audience because we all deserve to feel special, especially on our birthdays. I'm not sure I'll ever get to the point where I forget his birthday, but I do hope I reach place where I don't wish for that other life. Where yea maybe I wonder how he is and hope he's loved, but that's it. I've been acutely aware all week it was approaching and wondering and hoping there was a party for him. 

I don't know why I'm still convinced that he's just stuck in a trauma bond with someone who loves their life together but not him. I always just remember him telling me how before they got engaged and almost broke up, his sister's assessment was that the girl only cares about herself. Makes me wonder if on a weekend like this did they shovel their driveway together and enjoy the winter weather as a family? Or was that just a duty to be done that he did alone? Some day I hope when I finally have a family my partner and I would pick one of our favorite playlists have a shared listening session while sharing the labor of taking care of our home. That we'd sing and dance and play in the snow and when we finally finished the shoveling we'd go inside and have warm drinks by the fire, cuddle and tell stories of our favorite winter memories from childhood or ones we've spent together. I'm so ready to be making memories with someone we'll be reminiscing about when we're old and gray.

My cousin digitized an old family video from 1991 where everyone went to Florida. It was so interesting to see my young parents interacting as a married couple and bizarre to acknowledge I am the same age now my mother was in that video. The first baby of the next generation is here and more than a third of us are married. I so badly hope the timing of my life aligns with those I hold dear so we can grow through this stage of life together. Almost all of my friends have kids now and it's so hard to not feel like I'm running out of time.  I genuinely feel optimistic about this year but I'm still so impatient and I wish there was anything I could do to make it all happen faster.

I had a very intense interview last week and I'm sincerely praying I get an offer this week and can put in my notice because I'm SO over being micromanaged. A new job where I'm actually given the proper resources and support to do it should definitely lower my stress levels. Very hopeful this change will be the final step to really moving forward into this next phase of life. A phase where I'm not stuck in the past or hanging out in limbo, but instead I'm actively creating that shared life I've always wanted.

Resolutions

I'm in bed, just took some nyquil for this damn sore throat and Lady has the zoomies. The end of the year was a blur with finals and then the holidays. Got a B+ in GIS and A- in my probability and stats class so I'm thrilled with that. Both classes were so much more work then I was really prepared for but re-engaging my learning brain has definitely been a good thing. It definitely helped me see that no matter what I do it's never going to be enough for my supervisor. So on the Wednesday before Christmas during my lunch break I googled Asset Management roles and the first one to pop up was for the firm my current collaborator on some projects works for, and annoyingly the same firm the man now apparently works for. I emailed my colleague after applying giving him the heads up and turns out he's the senior VP of the group. I had no idea. Things moved quickly, the very next day they asked my availability for an interview and sent along their benefits package.  I had the interview today and feel really good about it and genuinely believe this opportunity would catapult me into the policy world. I'm not sure about the next steps but feeling good about my chances for receiving an offer. Luckily being in different states and business practices I really don't think it will matter at all that the man works there, but that will be a bit wild to be working for the same firm again. Our friendship really did start with unusually heavy conversations via the office communicator. It's crazy that while we're complete strangers these days, I'm genuinely still friends with Gray after all these years. We've chatted almost monthly this past year and it's been really nice. It was especially nice having someone to chat with as we rolled into this new year. Honestly I wasn't particularly down about being home and alone, my social battery was zero and I love my cottage. But it was comforting knowing I wasn't alone in my experience, we've actually commiserated about NYE in the past so was glad to hear he wasn't forcing himself to participate in anything he didn't want to. He was way flirtier than usual though, I think he's really digging being 40. I've definitely never been good at completely shutting that down and ultimately decided that I'm over caring about some stupid line of respect for someone I don't know anymore and just enjoyed the conversation and the affirming attention and finally let someone appreciate the full and uncropped NSFW versions of some my favorite photos from that boudoir shoot a few years ago. I don't really know why I never showed them all to Champlain, only a few. Again my sexuality was incredibly dampened in that relationship and I think I thought that maybe I had just outgrown that, that it was a more mature relationship, but in reality I think what I'm attracted to had just evolved. It no longer matters that a physical attraction is there, if I don't respect you, somehow I have no desire to "degrade" myself by sending raunchy photos or feel the urge to jump your bones every chance I get. 

Still chatting with the new guy, not sure I can actually handle him sharing the name of the man... have another first date on Friday.  I'm genuinely hopeful this year I will begin the relationship that is meant for me and that I'll be able to be so loved and secure that my best depraved self will truly come out and play with abandon. I miss the kind of energy fun and intense sex garners. My hoe phases were a god damn mess, but they were so much fun. Can "have more sex" be a new years resolution? It's probably one a lot of people have but just don't share. I had sex three times last year. That feels absurd. Yea, I think it is one of my resolutions. I wanna have enough to lose count and ideally it's all with one person, but I've never been too particular on how I reach my goals so I guess we'll find out.

Unwaveringly

Welp dating again is going... I'm not annoyed by it yet so I guess that's a good sign. What I have been annoyed by though are the almost too many for coincidence reminders of the man. I don't even feel like listing them all out but I'll go through a few. The first weekend of December was my holiday party for work and it's been since the holiday party in 2018 with the man and Burdman and Buddha that I actually let loose and got drunk at a work thing and found myself sincerely enjoying myself and realizing I had made real friends at work which I've really missed. I was thinking about that as I eventually sobered up enough to drive myself home and was pulling up my driveway when a deer jumped in front of the car. I think deer will always make me think of the man not just because they're one of his favorite animals, but I think I'll always remember him sharing that after that day when he hit a deer on the highway it was talking to me that helped him calm down. I remember that feeling too, knowing that just taking to him made everything better. For a while there it was our routine for him to call me for a portion of his walk with his dog and honestly those calls were sometimes the highlight of my day. I genuinely loved talking to him, hearing his voice and his laugh, parts of him I no longer can remember. I think if someone said I could never see or touch him again but I could have those phone calls again I'd take that deal. The very next day someone that shares his name sent me a rose on Hinge. Normally I avoid people with his name but idk I thought about how Shazz is now married to someone who shares the name of her most serious relationship and she kinda always said she found the right one this time. So I decided to match and just go with it. Last weekend I was away in PA visiting with Burdman and my mom for her birthday. I finally got to meet the woman Burdman has been dating and I'm a big fan. A fan of her for sure, she's really sweet and was game to join us for a band she didn't know, but I'm more a fan of them together. They did a lot of laughing and smiling and that's just so nice to see. I really hope he'll be able to get out of his own way and let this flourish into something lasting. He deserves to have someone who makes him a priority and I definitely got the vibe she's more than ready to do that. But because she was with us I had to sleep in the spare room which I've only been in a few times since it once was one of the safe spaces to be with the man. It invariably invokes various memories and just made me wonder if he ever has intense reminders of what we once were and if it ever makes him wonder about what we could have become by now if he'd actually gave us the chance to be a real couple. 

On my way home to MD last weekend I decided to just call this new guy and was pleasantly surprised he picked up and we effortlessly talked the whole two hours of my ride and set a date for this past Thursday. It was a really great first date and he gave me a really sweet kiss goodnight at my car and now he's on his way to Florida for two weeks for the holidays so we'll see if we can keep the momentum. For now I'm glad I decided not to write him off because of his name. 

Right now I'm procrastinating on my final project for my stats class but I'll get through it all, just gonna be a long couple of days... I'm excited for the holidays and ready for a new year. This past one was actually a very difficult one and I'm genuinely exhausted. I think one of my resolutions will be to unwaveringly protect my time with myself and truly put my own needs first. It is possible to put myself first and still be there for my friends and family it's just going to take practice and discipline, my nemesis lol. Welp time to head back into my home office and keep making progress on my school work! 

Consequences

I've needed to write for a while now but I think I've been convincing myself I don't have the time, there's other things I should be doing between all the stuff that still needs to be done around the cottage, school work, but actually I'm not behind on anything for work. My huge deliverable I was the PM for was submitted on Wednesday and I received nothing but thanks and a job well done which has been such a fucking relief after getting thrown under the bus for that stupid ass project and paying for it the last six weeks. I honestly thought I might have to find a new job for a bit but I killed it on this project and after I made sure to stick up for myself and refused to corroborate her narrative of what happened, I've been my usual bubbly kind thoughtful self and done my best to ignore how betrayed the whole situation has made me feel. I enjoy my actual work and my colleagues way too much to just give up. For now I think we can move past this but I did update my resume and thought about applying for a library of congress job yesterday but I didn't get that gut feeling that it was what I needed to be doing. So we'll see how long this current chapter lasts.

Aside from the work drama, I'd say a major high light is that I've officially been dating again. The first date I had went really well and I was genuinely excited and we started seeing each other for a few weeks and then he got covid and literally just disappeared and never responded again but changed his dating profile, so definitely not dead lol. Have met three other dudes since but no second dates. One of them was mid 40s divorced, a few years out, but with three children, with the youngest a junior in high school. He talked about how he stayed as long as he could for his kids but that he wished he had left sooner. That his ex-wife was a lovely woman and a great mom but there was no affection shown between them. I was like yea I understand wanting to give your kids every advantage but part of your job as a parent is modeling healthy love because we emulate what we're exposed to and I know lacking those models myself absolutely impacted my ability to recognize worthwhile partnerships. I watched this mans face to just absolutely drop as he said out loud "I hope I didn't mess things up for my girls" and then he just got real quiet and I knew I was not gonna hear from him again lol. But I meant it, if you believe you're staying for the kids but you'd be so sad if they ended up in a marriage like yours, then I'm sorry, you're staying because you're too afraid to leave and are using your kids as an excuse to not confront yourself and the truth that for whatever reason, you don't love yourself enough to put in the work to start over.

I think that's probably part of why I'm still not entirely over things with the man. I did put in the work to start my life over, and I left someone I still loved because I wasn't able to be me in that relationship and the further I got out of the dynamic of us, the more I could see how much he didn't actually see me as a person. I took myself to see Priscilla last night and damn did I relate to some of how she felt, she was basically Elvis' doll dressed the way he liked and locked up in graceland, not allowed to be her own person. I always say it never was our life, it was his and I was just an accessory to it and I feel like Priscilla would absolutely understand that statement. So to have freed myself from that to then not even a month later begin such a damaging never a real relationship with someone that eventually just decimated me I think just makes me so fucking angry at all the time I lost to being heart broken instead of celebrating my freedom. I think I've just always wanted that whole thing to at some point feel worth all the pain and to be right I guess, to be right about him and the connection we had and that it was real and that love can feel like that, and I deserved to feel that seen and wanted. 

Who knew the releases of Taylor's Version for two of her albums would be so triggering but 1989 came out a few weeks after things ended the first time with the man and damn that was before I knew it was going to go around 3 more times so the songs hit even more these days. Burdman knew the vault songs in particular were gonna hit me and it was nice to be able to admit to someone that I was in my feelings but he also told me it's time to let go. The biggest surprise was when he told me he thought the way the man treated me over the years was worse than his ex who just packed up all her shit while he was at work and left him without any conversation and refused to help with rent. That's been rattling around in my head ever since, because I honestly believe his whole experience with her was one of the most fucked up stories, especially the way she vilified him and the people he lost. I think it will probably always be hard for me to objectively see the fucked up aspects of how things played out with the man because I've never stopped loving him and that just naturally comes with understanding and forgiveness. However Burdman is right to call out, do I actually love the man, or an idea of him, and I guess loving a version of someone from nearly a decade ago is indeed just an idea of someone. The man that was all in with me never fully came back to me, even though I genuinely gave him every possible chance I could. Earlier this week marked 5 years since that last round became physical after months of random chats after he finally reached out admitting he'd been reading my blog all summer long. It's pretty unreal it's been that many years, the covid years really are a blur. 

I'm still not really sure what my dumbass heart needs to completely move on because even though I know progress has been made, and that being reminded of past hurts is just part of life, I haven't reached indifference. I still care way too much about him, and his life and it's honestly not fair how much this whole thing has impacted me. I know I didn't deserve any of it, but for a while I truly believed my heartache was a just punishment for being a mistress. Part of me has always been frustrated that he never really had any consequences for breaking my heart so many times, but damn have I had plenty for loving him. There were times where the grief of losing him really did taint everything else going on in my life, and while it feels like he never had to grapple with the loss of me, maybe I'm wrong about that. Maybe feeling what it's like to be cherished, desired, and respected yet choosing to stay in something that's not bad but not intimate either is more of a consequence than I'll ever understand.

Reminiscing

I am so dysregulated right now and I'm having a really hard time focusing on work stuff. I've had way too many weekend obligations the last two months and throwing the move in the mix my brain is zapped. There's still unpacking to be done but I have a working kitchen and living room, so there's that. 

Buddah is  coming to visit this weekend!!! I'm so excited. She's still with her hobbit, much to my chagrin, I really don't think the dude deserves her, but interested to see where she's really at and if she's just making sure she sees things through so that she has no regrets. 

I've been talking with Gray a lot more frequently lately and I'm not sure what to make of it. I genuinely am attracted to him, and I love our chats, he definitely understands what it's like to watch all your friends move through milestones you can't try harder at to accomplish yourself... the whole finding someone and starting a family is more luck than fucking anything. I still just don't really understand why he reaches out, nothing is ever going to happen and sometimes it does feel like he crosses a line, but I don't really know where that line is and why I even care about it. I don't know the man anymore and I don't think I'm ever going to know him again no matter how sad that truth fucking makes me. 

He's been on my mind a lot lately but that's pretty normal for this time of year. Without fail it's like my body remembers falling hopelessly and madly in love with him. Today is the anniversary of our first kiss, if it wasn't two days after the anniversary of when my dog died I wonder if I would remember it every year or if it would fade more.  During the move I found the phone I had when he came back into my life at the end of grad school and I finally got around to charging it today and read through some of our texts. It was wild to see how quickly we fell right back into things with each other, you would never know it had been years. So much fun flirting and sexting and pictures I had forgotten about since I deleted most everything back in 2020. I never really sent Champlain fun photos like that, I mean he got to see some of the real naughty and full versions of the photos from the boudoir shoot I did, but I used to send the man stuff all the time and I loved it. I really miss that level of desire and that it genuinely felt reciprocated. We really couldn't keep our hands off of each other. There were plenty of times across the various stints where we tried to just be friends and I remember a couple of hangouts where it really was like a friend platonic hangout for the majority of the time, but then it was like I would hit my limit and I would need to jump his bones. 

I know I've felt attraction and desire for others, especially early on, but nothing quite like with the man and definitely not so fucking consistent and intense. It's definitely extremely frustrating that the whole experience with him is still what I seem to be after, I still haven't surpassed that in any other relationship. I think about how in March of 2015 he told me "just because we have a connection, doesn't mean we should be together" and I kept my mouth shut in the moment but internally I was screaming "YES IT DOES!" and I think I still believe that we are meant to chase these connections, to foster them, protect them, indulge in them. Maybe that's part of why I entertain things with Gray, because I miss the feeling of connection. But I think that I cannot untangle him from the man, and maybe in some strange way talking to Gray feeds that desire to still know the man. I'm sure once Gray finds someone to date again he'll stop liking random old photos of me leading to a chat. Right now I just wish I could ignore the loop in my head of my friend telling me "He'd be happier with you". I definitely think it sucks that apparently he's not having a lot of sex but like the lady of that equation said, that doesn't necessarily mean he's not happy. I wish I didn't care at all and I wish it felt like I've made more progress moving on the last three years especially with having been in a full blown fucking relationship. But unfortunately I think the relationship just reinforced the way I felt about the man is what I want. 

I still don't feel ready to put myself back out there yet and pretty soon I'm gonna beat my previous record for celibacy from 2018. I've definitely been hornier lately, watched our sex tape for the first time in years and using my graduation gift which I didn't really use at all the entire time I lived with Champlain. Like shortly after we moved in with each other I was so put off by his consistent lack of consideration and gross habits that my libido did a fucking nose dive, I barely recognized myself. I kinda wanted to bail on the whole thing before my twin even moved in with us, but everything was in motion and when I get to hang out with my twin now, and he's always laughing, cracking jokes and talking about the future and what he wants to do next it just all feels worth it and I feel better about how hard this past year has been for me. If me sacrificing my own wants for a few years means I get to grow old with my twin I would do it again. 

Today I miss the man and the fun, sexually liberating and supportive relationship we had. When he popped back into my life I knew there was no guarantee things would progress into a relationship, I was just so excited to have my friend back and I remember telling him that no matter what happened, as long as I never had to pretend I didn't care about him again, that would be enough for me. I think a lot of me still wishes I didn't have to work so hard to ignore all the love I still have for this person. I honestly have no idea how he frames memories of me or if he even has flashbacks to moments of us the way that I do. I really would love to know what he thinks these days about so many different things...

Classes start next week for my Data Analytics and Policy certificate so hopefully jumping into learning about something I find interesting will pull me out of this funk and pointless reminiscing. I want to be ready to date again and maybe I just have to bite the bullet and download the apps and start perusing to maybe spark some of that desire. Right now I need to feed myself and then really work through the mountain of work I have to do and just can't seem to stop procrastinating on.

Next Chapter

I am so fucking stressed out with the looming move especially because Champlain bailed on the new roommates we found and I'm definitely gonna be paying for both places for the month of August, possibly September. I knew this was a possibility, but I definitely thought I wasn't going to, and moved forward with asking for an early lease start of the new place to accommodate these new roommates. At this point I'm still going to move because I was fucking elated on Sunday evening when I realized I was already done living with Champlain because he's away this whole week in New York with his family. 

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I was so stressed I never finished the above on the 19th and it's now like a week later and the big move with the truck happened on Sunday. New roommates have been found and will hopefully be signing paperwork this week! I'm fucking exhausted and running on fumes and getting ready to just call it for my work day and just work late tomorrow and Thursday. I can't seem to access my brain to decide what shit I need to focus on anyways. 

There's still some things to grab from the old place, specifically Lady lol but I need make sure the new house is not a disaster zone first, want to make sure it's not too overwhelming for her. Hopefully I can get the internet up and running today. I was supposed to be in the field tomorrow so I wasn't actually too worried about it, but that just was cancelled soooo better get my act together for my first WFH day at the cottage!

I'm so totally in love with my new digs. We had a family party in Jersey on Saturday that was basically a reunion and my cousin was asking me about the new place and I just immediately responded "It's an adorable stone cottage in the woods and I'm going to be a witch" lol. She laughed for like 2 minutes and then kept asking me to tell others haha. I'm just genuinely so excited and happy about finding it! I'm pumped to work on the outside space and turn it into something lovely and really learn how to garden. Fire pit is already on the list and maybe eventually a grill?? I've never grilled, should be interesting to figure that out. 

Definitely still in the transition of it all, but I'm so fucking glad the next chapter has truly started.

Almost

The stupid man is "celebrating" eleven years of marriage and I'm sitting on my day bed eating a lot of cheese, drinking a bottle of Moscato like I'm still in college and binging new girl LOL

It's been nine years since I left my marriage, which means it's almost been nine years that I've been in love with someone that I'm never gonna have a life with. That's pretty fucking pathetic but that nonsense aside I found a new place!!!

I honestly didn't fully recognize just how much the current situation has been tanking my mental health but as soon as I decided to find a new place such a weight lifted. The process has been stressful as fuck and last week I was feeling exasperated and then all a sudden a new place popped up on Zillow. It didn't even have photos uploaded yet but I loved the description. I immediately applied and she showed me the place the next day. It honestly feels like I manifested it. Last year when I was talking to my sister about how much I wanted my own place and told her that I wanted a place with a front porch for a rocking chair, a fire place to read by, a backyard to garden, and a quiet location. This place literally has ALL of this! It's this super cute stone cottage from the 1800s and I might be moving as soon as next weekend!

I'm so pumped to live alone again. It's going to be amazing. At this moment I don't even care how fucking single and horny I am. It's been since February since anyone has touched me and me of years ago would be appalled. She'd be on the apps or would have taken up any of the various offers I've already received when me being single came up. I'm frankly not interested in sharing my energy with anyone that doesn't deserve it, the idea of a ONS is just completely off putting. I'm still not even thinking about dating but I'm definitely going to have to genuinely think about what my new boundaries will be and what it means exactly for someone to be worth sharing my body with them. I've never really thought about my body as something to protect, it was always something to leverage to get the affection I was after. Definitely sad to acknowledge that but truthful and honestly the degree of disassociation I've had with my body is probably a big reason why the rape didn't destroy my desire to have sex. I still don't like talking about it...that's an experience I would rather forget entirely but I do get flashes back to it sometimes. 

I'm grateful that this current situation won't last much longer, still annoyed with myself that I got myself into it in the first place let alone for this long... But I was so tired of being alone. It was really nice having a person but I don't want just companionship. I wanna be stupidly in love can't keep my hands off them again. Someday. 

The Web

I was really sad today, like full body sobs during my drive home to MD. I haven't cried like that in a while and even now it's hard to fully capture all the reasons why my heart hurt so much. 

I had a really nice but busy weekend, but it was even better to not be at the apartment worrying about having to interact with Champlain. I officially reached my limit and I'm actively apartment hunting. 

Saturday night was an awesome family BBQ at my now aunt and uncle's at the beach house I've been going to since I was a child which felt healing. Especially seeing my cousin be a dad in person for the first time. I really enjoyed learning the story of how my aunt and uncle met, honestly this age in general has been filled with learning so much about the adults in my life and getting to know them as people. Sunday I went to a BBQ with Burdman at his friend's house and that was a lot of fun. There was some drama but every group of people that have known each other for a long time have their dynamics. I genuinely enjoyed myself and definitely loved that Burdman wanted me there, it felt like an important milestone in our friendship. It also opened my eyes to additional reasons why he's so skeptical about marriages and love... Most of the couples at the gathering I didn't really leave with the impression they were particularly in love and on the same page about their relationship. Made me wonder too about just how prevalent settling and making the best of what you're "stuck" with truly is.

Yesterday I started the morning off running some errands and then met up with Density for a walk along a trail in the Wissahickon and it was really nice catching up. I miss seeing him regularly, there were a few years there where we saw each other weekly and he was someone I always knew had my best interests at heart, would be supportive, and has never hurt me. It honestly feels like I could comfortably say he never will and I feel lucky to know him and I hope he finds someone worthy. Once I wrapped up with him I headed over to my former coworkers' new house they just bought together! Their relationship has definitely progressed quickly but I'm not surprised. I was so eager to not come home that I ended up just helping unpack the kitchen and living room and told myself I'd have dinner and leave. Welp the two of them and their other friend were drinking and smoking and eventually I just said fuck it, texted Champlain to let him know I'd be gone another night, and then took like three shots pretty quickly after each other to catch up lol I kept passing on the weed repeatedly but my girlfriend that was in New Orleans with me kept hyping up how sensitive I am to it and eventually I just gave in. I took ONE drag. I honestly think I'm becoming more sensitive?? But the high was milder perhaps? Idk definitely rejoined the same delusion but I never really zoned out of what was happening in front of me the same way I have in the past. Instead I was having super intense conversations with their friend that made dinner that I never even got to eat lol He really reminded me of my friend from high school who I had the biggest crush on and I definitely need to reach out and check in on him. We talked about mostly random shit, but I vividly remember talking about DMT the god molecule and how it's something found everywhere in nature and in our brains and that it's emitted when we're born and when we die which of course fed my belief it was the end of the world lol At one point there was definitely some video discussing what our reality actually is and how time folds in on itself? It all made sense at the time but I'm struggling right now to actually put it all together the experience once again reiterated connectedness, source, that we're spiritual beings experiencing humanity. I know previous excursions I got this feeling that I was the last one, that everyone was watching and waiting on me to just figure it out, but then I kept getting this feeling about being the original. But the original what? Like I know I call myself and my two full siblings the originals. At the end I started to wonder if maybe I've been learning from everyone else this whole time but I've never actually taken the full leap into truly living for the present. I've just always been so stuck on the past or caught up in planning the future. I keep discounting my now when it's literally the only thing that actually exists.

It felt like some of the spokes of the web of all the people I'm connected to have contracted further, that my core group is becoming more defined, but I still have some stragglers, people I love that feel too far away and out of reach. Apparently my friends recently went golfing with the man and another former coworker and turns out neither of them are satisfied with their sex lives. He's not having much and she has faked every orgasm she's ever "had". Learning about her abusive past relationship and the trauma she's still enduring on top of not feeling desired made my heart hurt for her, because she's exceptional and deserves so much more than that. However hearing that the man might not actually be happy like he told me he is, made me cry, like immediately. I don't think I knew just how tightly I was holding on to that belief that as long as he's happy, I can find peace in how our situation played out. I just don't understand why he's choosing to stay in that version of his life, why he doesn't want to push forward into a better reality, and I'm not even thinking about one with me, but just one where he doesn't have to forego the kind of pleasure we all should be able to indulge in, like I genuinely believe we're supposed to. If you're not having sex with your romantic partner, at best you're actually just friends, but more than likely you're not even really that and just fucking resent each other. 

When I got to my dad's today I immediately bursted into tears after telling him I just really needed a hug from my dad. Like I cried in the car when I realized that's what I wanted and that's who I wanted to see because it hasn't been my dad since I was a kid. This whole seeing each other weekly has really allowed for some healing. Last week he was being a real dick about Christmas Eve and I know he got the short end of the stick when we were growing up, but he did that to himself. He continued to let his ex wives dictate his life and always acquiesced mostly out of guilt with my mother and then I think default with my step mom but on my car ride home I also realized another motivator for him. He never wanted to be responsible for unnecessarily keeping us from having time and memories with our mothers because that's all he's wanted since his mom died, more time with her. But I wish he understood that I needed him, that he was my anchor parent and it really fucked me up when he left and how hurtful it was when he chose his gf over me when I was 21... And I guess I realized today that even though I've spent the better half of a decade making sure I didn't need him for anything I needed him today. I needed him to hold me while I cried and attempted to ask him why people stay where they aren't celebrated, why people settle, that everyone deserves to be loved and I'm so sad for all my friends that haven't experienced it truly. His girlfriend actually said something that really resonated, she said that not everyone is emotionally ready to be in a loving relationship. Definitely made me think about the man. I wish so badly to understand his choices and why so much of me still wishes he chose me.

"Forever is a long long time"

I should already be sleeping but I've got a lot of thoughts swirling so probably best I just get them out and then hopefully sleep will find me quickly. The man and Gray's album dropped and I received a personal invite from Gray to check it out on Friday evening. I listened with my twin on the way up to PA yesterday and then again that night with my headphones because I couldn't stop thinking about some of the songs. Like I told Gray earlier tonight, overall I was just super impressed and the guitar was beautiful throughout the entire album. I'm still genuinely surprised my favorite song was Resolute which is entirely instrumental so definitely not what I typically sway towards considering how much I love to sing. Not all of the singing and lyrics were particularly note worthy, but I sincerely enjoyed the album and keep going back to Electricity and Gone Away. I've listened to Gone Away the most and Gray shared that it is a vulnerable song so I'm sure that's part of why I'm so drawn to it, but I know I'm also incapable of not trying to gleam any kind of meaning from it. 

As the years have gone by and the process to move on with my life has seemed to be SO much harder for me than it ever was for the man it's been really hard not to internalize the belief that I was never all that important to him. As Burdman put it bluntly not that long ago, "There were never any months he was trying to be in a relationship with you, it was never going to be you". Obviously from my point of view, I truly thought he was trying to be with me, at least on two occasions.  During our very first stint crossing lines we never should have crossed, I couldn't believe he blew his life up because he wanted to be with me. No one had caught him, I had never asked him to do anything like that, but who knows what would have happened if we had carried on in our bubble of delusion.  I've always wondered how things would have played out if I had been in a head space where I could have been all-in with him instead of being so unsure about everything in my life. The other time was when he came back to me after spending the summer apart and told me that song from Black Mirror "Anyone Who Knows What Love Is" had caused him to have an epiphany about me and us and helped him see what he wanted. I thought he finally understood how I felt about him and how impossible it was for me to truly let go and I trusted him when he told me he wanted our someday. 

When I think back on that time now, I know it was incredibly stupid of me to think that someone in the middle of chaos like that who honestly had no idea what they wanted or needed in their life was capable of starting something real with me. But I do wish that when he started to believe he couldn't give me the life he assumed I wanted, he had talked through those worries with me instead of making a decision for me and just vanishing from my life only to reach back out 9 months later. Nine months we could have spent actually having a chance to finally learn each other. I honestly don't think I've ever wanted to know someone the way I wanted to know this man, I wanted to know everything and everyone from his childhood to his now, I just wanted to understand him and to prove to him that all of it was worth sharing and could be loved. It really was so easy to love him and I remember being so excited to no longer hide how I felt and to just be able to celebrate him, but things never got there. 

The last few years though I think I've just been annoyed that everything even happened causing me so much pain for nothing on top of creating a situation where I could never explore things with Gray even though I know how fucking rare it is to meet people you click with. It all just feels stupid. I'm really glad that Gray wanted to share their album with me, even though I definitely didn't need him to reach out for my sleuthing skills to find it eventually. Definitely surprised not to see a post about the album from the wife though, like I would be promoting the shit out of this album if I was still allowed to be friends with these guys let alone if I was one of their SOs. Like the man and I are legit strangers these days and I'm still super proud of him for doing something like this because at one point I knew him enough to know this has been a dream for a really long time. 

I don't even know how many times I've listened to the song at this point, but just now I tried to capture the lyrics best I could:

Gone away 

Forever is a long long time

Can't tell what it takes to say goodbye

Gone away

Forever's such a long long time

Is it up to me to draw the line?

Could more time have made me understand you?

Or have I learned enough by now?

Sometimes I think I know

But then I turn around

and I'm lost for now

and you're gone away

Forever is a long long time

Can't tell what it takes to say goodbye

Gone away

Forever's such a long long time

Is it up to me to draw the line?

*kickass solo*

I can't try to bring us back together

And I know you're close

but I don't know how

You play the game to lose

and now you can't be found

So long for now

Cuz I've gone away

Forever is a long long time

Can't tell what it takes to say goodbye

Gone Away

Forever's such a long long time

Is it up to me to draw the line

Gone Away

Forever is a long long time

Gone Away

Forever's such a long long time  

-----------------------------

There have been a few times over the years where I asked the man why he could never give me an actual goodbye. I never got an answer but I think for the part of my heart that still hurts over this story in my life I'm gonna choose to believe that maybe our experience together was partial inspiration and maybe I never got a goodbye because if he had to face me to do it, he wouldn't have been able to redraw the line of strangers. And now that we have to be dead to each other forever it's hard not to wonder if he ever gave things enough time to actually understand me to be able to see what we were and could have become.

Logical me knows I have no idea what the song is actually about, that maybe it's about losing a loved one, and not romantic at all and that I'm just a blip in both of these men's life stories but hopelessly romantic me is gonna believe that maybe I'm a worthwhile muse. 

I know I'm still not ready to really even think about putting myself back out there and to start dating and while both Burdman and Density have asked me if I'm going to move back to PA, I hadn't even considered that as an option, but I guess it's a potential one. Especially with my firm being acquired and the new company having a stronger PA presence I'm sure if I had a reason to, I easily could do that. I just don't see a good enough reason to do that, I miss people in PA for sure, but I know without a doubt it was so good for my mental health to move away from there and the man. Putting some physical distance between myself and all of that really helped me to stop holding out for him to come around again. Clearly I'm still struggling with processing the imbalance of the feelings involved in that situation-ship but I know I stopped being afraid of my life blowing up in my face without warning because of him reaching out. I definitely already miss companionship, it was really nice having a break from being single, I'd really missed having a person. I really hope once I decide I'm ready there's worthwhile men in the area that could be good life partners.

All In

I'm chilling in my car avoiding going up to my apartment because I'm not ready to let go of the high of having a really fun night with actual girlfriends. It's been a really long time since I've had close friends that I saw regularly and I've really missed it. I'm really looking forward to continuing to build these relationships. It was really awesome that they planned something to celebrate my birthday, made me feel really special. I definitely needed that too because I started my actual birthday not feeling special at all.

Champlain and I have officially entered new territory with him having brought a girl home on Sunday. He had told me Saturday he had a date, but at like 11:30 that night he texted that he was bringing her back and I didn't see it until shortly after midnight and then felt like I couldn't leave my room even to get water... I then just lied in my bed unable to articulate the feelings I was having... I just know it didn't feel good. Burdman was the first person I told about it which I think marks a new level in just how important he is to me. I told him that it wasn't that I don't want Champlain to move on and to be happy, I do, but I feel so far away from being ready to do that and maybe I thought I'd be harder to move on from? But ultimately I think it hurt as much as it did because it triggered that wound of not feeling like I had ever mattered, a wound that goes back to my dad leaving and has been exacerbated by every romantic relationship I've ever had, and especially by the one with the man.

I'm finally in a place where I really don't think about him with any kind of regularity. It's still more than I want, but thank goodness it's SO much less than it was. I was just now looking through my Facebook memories for the day and Cobra Kai winning the softball championship popped up and it prompted me to click his name on his comment to my post. Apparently he finally started a legit band with Gray so that's super cool. Gray and I actually just chatted the other day after he liked one of my posts. We hadn't chatted since March so it was nice to catch up, I wish we could talk more but idk I always feel weird initiating. I just always wait for him to interact with something of mine and then I reach out. It always sucks to miss out on someone you really clicked with. I'm super curious about this band thing cuz Gray didn't mention it. I'm already wondering what the songs will be like and if I'll finally catch a real glimpse of the inner thoughts of the man that he never shared with me. It's always so wild to remember that for an entire summer he would read my thoughts and somehow it didn't freak him the fuck out, he came back for that final round. 

They say when you can't get rid of an attachment to someone they must have filled a role that no one has before and turned out to be important and so you're just stuck on wanting to recreate that. I've been trying to articulate what it is that I got out of that connection that I just never had prior and haven't been able to recreate and I'm still not really sure. I know the shared experiences of our childhood was a really big one for me, and I still don't have very many divorce friends. But I think so much of it was that fact that he wanted to protect me in the very beginning of all of it, he wanted to save me and man did I want to be rescued from my life way back then. Now though, I don't want to escape my life, I haven't felt that way since back then. However I genuinely would love to be with someone that I respected and trusted enough to take care of me, so that maybe I could relax a little, put my guard down. I'm not sure I've ever felt truly safe in a relationship to be absolutely vulnerable. I wonder what kind of partner I could be if I ever got the chance to be truly all in. I was all in with the man, but we never got to the partner part. I really want to have that. I really hope that by the time 35 comes around I've made serious progress towards experiencing that.

Painting a Fence

I'm fucking sad and not really ok right now and extremely distracted. It's terrible timing too because I'm out Thursday and Friday this week for a trip with my mom and siblings so there's a lot to get done today and tomorrow. I haven't needed to write like this, in the middle of the day, in a very long time and I'm trying to focus on that fact as much as I can because that means for the most part these last 2.5 years I've been pretty happy and stable. 

Champlain and I moved around our beds this weekend and I'm now in the big ass office all by myself but finally able to sleep with Lady again which I've missed terribly. The room is still a mess and now I don't have a closet sooo I've got a lot of work cut out for me but I'm relieved too that I don't have to wait until my twin moves out to have the separation I need to start the process of moving forward. I keep vacillating between falling into old habits of intimate actions and being an ice queen and it's exhausting for me so I can't imagine what it's like on the receiving end. Last week Champlain was trying to tell me how the stress of the looming change of rooms and the lack of physical touch was making his terrible sleep schedule even worse and my response was "Well then you should be extra pumped to move the beds so you can have someone over" and then I walked away...

It doesn't help that in the middle of all this, I'm planning a party for Burdman's 40th and of course inviting the man was a whole conversation and I wish so much I was truly indifferent about it, but I'm fucking not. I of course did not include him in my first run of the guest list because like even if I was totally cool with seeing him, how could I include him on the list and not have Burdman be like you're just looking for an excuse to see him. So I don't and then he has to ask me about it and I have to be like "it's your birthday you can absolutely invite anyone you want to, it's for you". But, ever since he told me last Thursday that he called the man to talk about it and invite him and that he's going to try and come I've been anxious as fuck and maybe more hurt than I expected? It definitely still bothers me that it feels like I experienced a ton of repercussions for ever loving the man and yet what lasting ones has he? The Burdman has acknowledged that the way he strung me along was a dick move, but he really has never judged the man to his face and for someone who touts being a loyal friend that's not very fucking loyal to me.

I'm so tired these days, and not just for lack of sleep cuz that's fucking normal, but it's like my soul knows I'm about to start trying again to find someone and it's just exhausted already. I'm sick of overperforming in my relationships, like all of them, my romantic, friends, and familial ones. The fact that I can't think of a single time someone went above and beyond for me feels shitty. And then as I sit here the one that comes to mind was from years ago when the man drove me to the shore two days after my dog died because my car wasn't safe to drive and then drove himself back. Like that's not even a good one because there was a whole lot of motivation for him to spend time alone with me and it ended up being the night of our first kiss. I just don't think I've ever been anyone's priority and the people across the years I've thought were my best friends, well they're fucking not, I wasn't even in either of my childhood best friends weddings and my bestie from college I barely know these days and Buddah and I haven't been the same since last July. Burdman really is my only true best friend so maybe that's part of why this situation is hurting me more than I want it to. It's taken years for the Burdman to even acknowledge that I'm important to him, but I still don't rely on him for emotional needs. I definitely still share most things about my life, but I'm not gonna call him first because my internal chatter still tells me he doesn't care. I mean he literally used to tell me that we could stop talking tomorrow and it wouldn't bother him. He did recently make it a point to let me know that he knows what I'm going through right now can't be easy and to reach out, so maybe I just need to do that. Maybe I can even acknowledge the whole thing with the man hurts my feelings, but I'm not sure how much it has to even do with the man specifically versus just feeling taken for granted.  

I'm still not looking forward to possibly seeing the man, I think it's going to be harder than it was a year and half ago because I'm not riding the high of being happy with someone and about to move in with them. I'm literally in the thick of processing that I'm alone again and praying it doesn't take me six years again to like someone enough to want to actually date them seriously. Even though I always knew there wasn't long term potential with Champlain, it was still a serious relationship, and one I felt safe in, but maybe only because I never thought about the future, and could never really have my heart broken. I know I'm supposed to be all independent and liberal and what not but right now I know that whomever I end up with needs to be someone that is a giver, no more takers. I want to be taken care of because it's painfully clear I never have been. I think that's part of why I fell so hard for the man all those years ago because he wanted to save me, to protect me, and even though he was no where near to being in a position to ever do that across all our stints, the fact that he wanted to struck me deeply. 

During the good times with the man I've never felt more beautiful and alive and I'm really fucking craving that right now. Sometimes I still wish I could know the man's side of our story but part of me is finally accepting that even if I did it wouldn't change anything about now. I'll never truly know how much of our time together was mutual but I really don't like writing it off as just circumstances and just sex and just free therapy. It was a life changing connection for me and that can never be undone. I watched Mr. Mom recently with my family and there was just this random little scene during the montage of him coming into his own of being the stay at home parent and thriving where he was painting the fence in the backyard and in popped a memory. The man once told me that while painting his own fence he had thought about how if I was there even that would have been fun. Such a simple thing to say but it let me know that he enjoyed my company that much and here I am now, hoping to find someone else that will feel that lucky to know that even the mundanity of life would be better with me in their life. 

I'm still very far off from being ready to start dating again and I don't have a clue how the fuck that's going to go down while living with my ex but I'm really over how stagnant I've been feeling, I just fucking hate limbo. I'm hopeful that this upcoming trip will allow for a reset and I can come back refreshed and ready to start showing up as a person I'll have a hard time belittling in my inner dialogue. 

Try Again

Dang there's way more changes ahead and they might be happening sooner than I initially planned. This year has certainly started off with a bang. I finally got covid, my sister broke up with her boyfriend of seven years and I already bluntly told Champlain this is our last year together. Never thought I'd be jealous of a break up, but here I am. 

I already had that simmering and then I went to New Orleans last weekend for a bachelorette and spent a lot of time with former colleagues who now all know about my past with the man. One of them actually is now a direct report to him and she's the one who left her husband for our other coworker almost a year ago now. Got a front row view to their love fest. I also got super high for the first time in a long time. 

Being high on Bourbon Street was definitely a magical experience, a memory I'm gonna cherish for sure. Being back there in general was quite a trip. Whenever I get that high I keep continuing the same delusion, this same idea that the end of the world is finally here and it's going to end the way it began-with a great big bang. Basically my brain starts working rapid fire making all these connections about my life and the people in it and making sense out of everything. I always reach the same conclusion that we're all connected, that we all came from the same place and we'll all go back to it. There's also always this belief that everyone that's ever mattered to me is waiting for me to make these connections and surrender to them. Somehow I know I'm the last one of my soul family to figure this shit out and they're all watching, everything I do in this life has basically been a movie for them and thank God it's been entertaining lol. Usually when the whole thing starts I get scared at first but then I feel relief because I'm hoping that it's all finally over, that I can stop trying so hard to make this whole life thing be worth while, I can just rest and I'll be with everyone that I care about. It's always been accompanied with this feeling that the time apart from the man is finally over and that always makes me deliriously happy.

I'm pretty sure getting high like that and talking directly about him and our history is why I needed to write in the blog just for my thoughts to him for the first time in almost a year! I was like a week shy. That's some serious progress but shows I'm still stuck on that particular brand of love. I've never had a love that made the rest of my life make sense the way things with him did and I think that's always been the draw of it. Burdman always says that one person always loves the other person more, that someone else is always more invested. In the beginning of that love story as I was just leaving my marriage I really thought the man was crazy for telling his wife he wanted out to be with me, I didn't feel like I could trust any of what was happening, but gosh it's so many years later and it turns out it was me all along that loved him more.

I'm not sure how things are going to go down with Champlain, I don't think I'm gonna last until the end of the year.  I just know I'm ready to try again to find what I know I'm capable of feeling. 

Changes

 It's been a while since I've written anything anywhere I guess life has been mostly happy and busy. A lot has changed this second half of the year. I left my job in August! Some shady shit went down near the end, it was a weird experience and I'm really grateful to no longer be in those circumstances. I'm making $13,000 more than I was, the hours are way better, I feel challenged yet appreciated, and the commute is twenty minutes only some time! One of the main clients I am supporting is a ten minute walk from our apartment, I've never walked to work before and I really like it.  I definitely had not recognized just how much the old job had begun to negatively impact my mental health, Champlain mentioned a month into the new job that I'm much nicer lol. It's definitely super nice to have co-workers again and to be learning from experienced project managers. This past month was definitely super busy and really fun. I participated in my first tough mudder, we went to a Shakespeare play, our good friends wedding, SKY DIVING, ren fair and then a Vegas trip with my sister for When We Were Young Festival. Sky diving was amazing, I unfortunately was recovering from a sinus infection so at the very end my head felt like it was going to explode and I had to blow real hard with my hand clamped on my nose to relieve the pressure. It's definitely something wild to be high enough to notice the curvature of the earth and then to look down and not even feel like you're falling for this first minute because the ground is not getting perceptively closer.  Vegas with my sister was pretty amazing, it was so nice to get that much time together and be able to talk about ourselves and our lives and not just our brother and the family.   

Other big changes for me are that Burdman and Buddha are no longer friends and I don't think that'll ever recover which does make me sad.  Back in June Buddha was forced into a situation where she had to choose between her hobbit in Denver and Burdman and I think because of their past where he was never willing to try with her, and to this day doesn't acknowledge they dated, the choice felt obvious, but she handled it terribly, and she hurt Burdman's feelings. Meanwhile we'd had a  road trip planned for months to see some bands we all love in Detroit. I remember being nervous the trip was gonna be so awkward but even though she tuned out some of our inflammatory chats during the drive out there, once we got there it was fine, felt like old times. The day of the show we started things off with a boozy brunch followed by a dive bar. I don't drink a lot, like ever, but I completely forgot the Blood Mary's at brunch were doubles and we made new friends at the bar and shots were traded and before I knew it, I was absolutely polluted.  Buddha had become progressively flirtier as the morning went on, and not just with Burdman, with myself and our new friends. Everyone was having a good time, but it became clear when we left the bar to head back to the hotel to freshen up before the show that the good times were over for me. I haven't puked the contents of my soul like that in years. Dear lord it was awful. I told them to go on without me that I would be fine on my own and would join if I could. Apparently Burdman was not willing to be late and went ahead, and Buddha eventually caught up with him but the crowds were too much and she started to have a panic attack. I'll never know the entire truth of the situation because I wasn't there, but from her perspective she grabbed at Burdman I guess to get his attention to maybe ask to leave the area they were in, and he at the time reached his limit with her flirting and grabbed her hand and placed it on his crotch two times, I guess trying to get her to decide her intentions one way or another. She interpreted this interaction as sexual assault, and months later I'm still having a hard time categorizing it as such. It's difficult because I can't help but recall a night at a show with Burdman four years ago now where he forced his hands down my pants and started to kiss me when I had not purposefully indicated I wanted any of that. I remember trying to remove his hands, I remember asking him what he was doing, and I remember wanting all of it to stop but knowing we were right next to a security guard and not wanting the situation to be misinterpreted, or blown out of proportion and I just kinda turned off, and let it happen. Later that evening we engaged in further activities but those all felt more consensual for sure, but I guess my initial reaction to her feelings were lol that's not sexual assault. Whereas in reality I guess that it was, and that both situations are not ok, but both situations include people with previous history of sexual involvement and alcohol and zero malicious intent so can you give it such a black and white label? All I know is the whole thing made me uncomfortable and I didn't know the proper way to handle it, there was a lot of gray to it and I don't think Buddha acknowledged her flirtations and leading him on, but flirting does not equal consent. She has decided to categorize him as not a good person, asked me never to talk about him with her and to not share details of her life with him.  People are the sum of their choices, not their misjudgments, but I can't say it was an isolated event because of my own experience.  But I think back on that night and I remember feeling like we were a couple ahead of him making a move, so if I felt that, he did too, and when I try to remember why it had that air to it, it dawns on me that it was just a week after I had met up with the Man after bailing on him twice. We had spent 6 hours together, enough to undue 10 months of trying to let go and had absolutely put me in the head space of wishing deeply I had someone and maybe wondering for the 100th time why couldn't it be Burdman? But I think that experience made it abundantly clear to both of us that the nature of our connection is not romantic, even if we both find each other attractive, I'm far too annoying to him and he's far too inflexible for the chaos my life will always have. 

The chaos has been dialed down dramatically, my thirties are another world compared to my twenties, but just the very nature of me and my family, predictability is just not something I'll ever have. I'm sure the way I was feeling back then is why shortly after that incident with Burdman I allowed the Man back into my life for four months, this time a true secret, even on my end. It feels crazy that all happened years ago, sometimes when a memory of him surfaces, it all feels like it happened yesterday. Just a few days ago Burdman called me drunk af after a night out with the softball team, the Man included and I immediately wished I could reach out to him to hear his side of the story of the married broad that kept grabbing Burdman's dick lol. When Burdman's best friend in the whole wide world had to be put down, I did reach out to the Man. I remember mulling over it the entire drive home to MD after going to the vet with him, I kept asking myself am I taking advantage of a reason to reach out? I never landed on a clear answer on that front, but what I did land on was that I wasn't going to ever be in a place where my best friend was gone and I was saying I wish I had done more. I was going to do the most, so I told someone I know cares about him too, hey treat with care this human is hurting. We hadn't interacted with each other in a few months at that point and it wasn't even a conversation yet Burdman still doubted my intentions. Nothing I can do about that but the only person I have to be in peace with is myself and I did what I thought was right. It's crazy it's been over a year since we lost our co-worker. I thought a lot about him this past month, I wondered if the guys had a drink for him at their softball gathering.  

Depression is a terrible thing and while people who suffer from it have some similar experiences, it's also such a personal thing that is so hard to understand and so hard to know how to fucking help. My twin still isn't working, but he has definitely made progress and has started talking about getting a job so I guess that's better than nothing. I know Champlain is much more frustrated with his lack of financial contribution and he's been asking more recently if he will move out to our family townhouse. I knew I was putting myself in a precarious situation but I guess I hoped it would be more stable for a bit longer? We just renewed our lease for another year so I guess our relationship is safe for another year? We've been together for two years now, my first serious relationship since getting divorced, and his most serious and longest relationship ever. It's still the healthiest thing I've ever been in but we've been revisiting the conversation about kids. I asked him to get into the therapy to deal with his childhood trauma, that I want to know we did all we could to see if we could have a life together and if he still doesn't want children, then it will be time for goodbye. I have no desire to talk someone into a life they don't readily want, especially when I know there are men out there who really do want a family. I just know it's hard to find someone who compliments you so well and makes it so easy to be yourself. It was therapeutic to learn in Vegas that my sister and I are literally dealing with the same thoughts. I don't know what the future holds or why I maintain the desire to try and plan it when I know so well plans are a fools errand. I guess my plans will always be my attempt to know the direction I wish to go in and I'll just keep refining my ability to handle what life throws at me and course correct whenever I need to.