An interaction with a married friend yesterday who currently feels undesirable and knows what I've been through, caused me to admit that I have a subconscious belief that I deserve to be alone because of what I did. That I am only good for inciting desire, but not worth building a life with. That this deep loneliness I feel is my punishment.
When things imploded the first time the unavailable man I had fallen in love with intimated that he didn't care about his own happiness. I remember telling him that of course there would be consequences for his actions, but by no means did he deserve to spend a lifetime being unhappy. It's wild how much easier it is to have compassion for others versus compassion for yourself. I've missed him more lately and have been yearning for him to reach out and I'm sure it has a lot to do with it being the anniversary of it being over, and knowing it's the anniversary of him learning of his wife's infidelity. I remember dates in a way that I'm not sure has ever been healthy... I give meaning to everything in a way that feels unhealthy but as I'm thinking about it now in a removed headspace the fact that I can give meaning to the littlest of things makes my life quite rich. I can be quite spontaneous and often am winging it, but everything I do has meaning, has purpose and I know I prefer it that way. It's just a double edged sword when it comes to integrating the past. I know quite firmly that love is not pie, that having feelings for one, does not diminish the feelings for another. I know that relationships change and grow, and wax and wane but nothing now erases what was. I once told the man that the love I have for him could never be a mistake and I still feel that way with every fiber of my being, even though there are times my sad heart wishes to forget all of the memories.
I had the privilege of experiencing an all consuming love, one that filled me with such joy and an eagerness to be here, to live loudly and excited for all that was to come. Some people never get to feel that way and even though it didn't last, and even though it never became the someday we once talked about, I am grateful for the experience. I think I've known it all along, but a love like that will never truly leave me, but it doesn't mean I can't love someone else. I think I've been wanting the love to go away, to not still miss him, and then it would feel like I had let go and moved on. I'm not sure it works like that, I think it's going to be more of an acceptance of this love and allowing my heart to expand to love others.
The conversation about a move to Maryland has progressed and seeming more likely but it feels right. It feels like the next step to keep pushing towards a life of abundance and I don't even care how fucking cheesy that sounds. I cried myself to sleep last night and am surprised at the way I'm currently feeling but I think there's such truth in acknowledging that we are meant to experience our emotions in their fullness so we can then be released from them. If you try to suppress them, they end up trapped inside you and eventually manifest in a way that is very rarely productive.
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Friday, February 28, 2020
Might runaway afterall
I decided the other day to take a break from all of social media, just deactivated facebook and instagram, and deleted everything off my phone. Some of it was to avoid the time suck that I just can't afford at the moment with everything going on with my twin, and work, and studying, but I know part of it was to stop the trigger of those god forsaken memories. My memories the last few weeks have been abundant with shit from two years ago where I was crushed after things ended when I honestly had no idea they were about to... I posted a lot, and apparently as my sister has pointed out to me, I do that when I'm not okay. Which makes sense, I think we all desire connection when we don't want to be here...we want something to make us remember why it's worth sticking out the lows.
I've spent this week battling with my twin about not backing out of his inpatient stay, and it's been stressful as fuck, especially since my dad was trying to book flights to make sure he was around for the family session. Luckily my sister was willing to look into one of the other programs I researched over the summer but they don't allow participants to start their out patient program without going through detox first. I somehow was able to convince him that even though he's scared, he deserves this, he deserves a week to only have to worry about his recovery and nothing else. I was able to go through the insurance verification process for him last night since I know all of his info, including his SSN... it will probably irk me until the day I die that he was assigned his number first even though I was born first, but it's definitely come in handy lately that I know it. I cried hard after I got off the phone with them, I don't think I've been fully aware how much of a burden all of this has been on my mental health.
I'm glad it's Friday and hopefully my fun plans with my twin tonight and my sister tomorrow will keep me from wallowing and focusing too deeply on the fact that it's been a year now since I've touched the man I thought was the love of my life. Today marks a year since the last chance I had to hug him and didn't fucking do it... we had met up for lunch and he had to run off and I just sat there eating my food. I think about that more than I would like... I wish I had gotten up, but how could I have known that weekend would result in a conversation that would mean the end yet again.
I looked into the feasibility of buying that house I keep dreaming of this summer and my student loans are just a tad too fucking much so at the moment I'm debating about temporarily moving to Maryland. Work is in the midst of starting up an office down there, I work on the main project, I'm down there more and more lately, and I have an option to live for free in my dad's townhouse and pay down some of these loans and save more money. With my twin starting a real program, he should be more stable by the time my lease is up...It might be nice to get away from all the things that remind me of what was and what could have been.
I've spent this week battling with my twin about not backing out of his inpatient stay, and it's been stressful as fuck, especially since my dad was trying to book flights to make sure he was around for the family session. Luckily my sister was willing to look into one of the other programs I researched over the summer but they don't allow participants to start their out patient program without going through detox first. I somehow was able to convince him that even though he's scared, he deserves this, he deserves a week to only have to worry about his recovery and nothing else. I was able to go through the insurance verification process for him last night since I know all of his info, including his SSN... it will probably irk me until the day I die that he was assigned his number first even though I was born first, but it's definitely come in handy lately that I know it. I cried hard after I got off the phone with them, I don't think I've been fully aware how much of a burden all of this has been on my mental health.
I'm glad it's Friday and hopefully my fun plans with my twin tonight and my sister tomorrow will keep me from wallowing and focusing too deeply on the fact that it's been a year now since I've touched the man I thought was the love of my life. Today marks a year since the last chance I had to hug him and didn't fucking do it... we had met up for lunch and he had to run off and I just sat there eating my food. I think about that more than I would like... I wish I had gotten up, but how could I have known that weekend would result in a conversation that would mean the end yet again.
I looked into the feasibility of buying that house I keep dreaming of this summer and my student loans are just a tad too fucking much so at the moment I'm debating about temporarily moving to Maryland. Work is in the midst of starting up an office down there, I work on the main project, I'm down there more and more lately, and I have an option to live for free in my dad's townhouse and pay down some of these loans and save more money. With my twin starting a real program, he should be more stable by the time my lease is up...It might be nice to get away from all the things that remind me of what was and what could have been.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
The Fertile Earth
When the person you believed to be the one you've been searching and waiting for and wanted nothing more than to share your life with them refers to your time together as a "black cloud" it hurts in a way that's hard to explain. And when you respond with bitter sarcasm and they admonish you for taking things personally you feel even smaller than you did before. As you stew in your hurt and embarassment at ever believing it had been something special, you marvel at the fact that somehow you're still holding on to the hope of reconciliation and you wonder how many more tears you will need to cry to smother this god forsaken torch you're still holding for someone who never had the balls to tell you they wanted a relationship, just not with you.
And now as of yesterday, seven months have passed since that interaction and you still cannot wrap your head around the fact that you still haven't fully let go. Perhaps the belief it'll ever come around again has mostly died, but still no luck in letting anyone new in.
I love this poet, and actually have a different poem of his tattooed on my right rib cage. So many metaphors have this similar underlying sentiment to this poem that I'm struggling to succinctly say but these sorts of sayings like how it's darkest before the dawn, or that when things feel heavy and dark that you've been planted, or that caterpillars turn to goo before transforming into butterflies, that the cracks let the light in. I guess just that there's a point to the destruction we endure and that there will be something good on the other side.
My best friend gave me an adorable Valentine's book before I headed home and it's filled with all these personal answers to very sweet questions but the last one is what gets me every time, her wish for me, that at some point all the love I've given out finds its way back to me. A few months ago a pregnant friend said it wasn't how she expected 30 to go, and I said well yea I guess you could be traveling to several countries alone but I'm not sure she took it the way I meant it. Yea for three weeks I was pumped to have my life, but the other 49 I'm pretty sure I'd prefer having a loving husband and a beautiful baby. I would have preferred to have not seen all those wonderful things on my own with no one to reminisce with.
I genuinely do love my life and have very few complaints even though I of course have things that stress me out from time to time, but I genuinely miss having someone to excitedly plan a future with. I'm just going to keep doing my best to make sure future me will be ready for that person when they finally enter my life.
And now as of yesterday, seven months have passed since that interaction and you still cannot wrap your head around the fact that you still haven't fully let go. Perhaps the belief it'll ever come around again has mostly died, but still no luck in letting anyone new in.
My best friend gave me an adorable Valentine's book before I headed home and it's filled with all these personal answers to very sweet questions but the last one is what gets me every time, her wish for me, that at some point all the love I've given out finds its way back to me. A few months ago a pregnant friend said it wasn't how she expected 30 to go, and I said well yea I guess you could be traveling to several countries alone but I'm not sure she took it the way I meant it. Yea for three weeks I was pumped to have my life, but the other 49 I'm pretty sure I'd prefer having a loving husband and a beautiful baby. I would have preferred to have not seen all those wonderful things on my own with no one to reminisce with.
I genuinely do love my life and have very few complaints even though I of course have things that stress me out from time to time, but I genuinely miss having someone to excitedly plan a future with. I'm just going to keep doing my best to make sure future me will be ready for that person when they finally enter my life.
Monday, February 10, 2020
Broken...for now
Lately I feel stuck in a weird ass loop. I shattered my phone while in St. Croix over the holidays but my screen protector kept all the glass in place and it still works, so I haven't bothered to fix it yet. Literally the only noticeable annoyance is that when I try to use the front facing camera the cracks across the lens create a weird reflection occasionally and depending on the lighting. The last time I had a cracked screen like this was in 2014 and I took a long time to fix it then too and honestly I think it had to do with the fact that it felt like an outward representation of how broken I felt inside. It feels so absurd that now 5.5 years later I'm still dealing with the same heartbreak I was then and perhaps my reluctance to fix my phone is again because a piece of me finds comfort in the tangible proof that I am broken.
Recently a random man I messaged on a dating app well over a year ago found his way to my instagram dms expressing that he has been reading my "travel blog" and regretted never replying to me. I laughed at him calling it a travel blog because it sure as shit hasn't been that since I got back from my trip. It is a little unnerving to truly realize a stranger could read these words of mine and learn an awful lot about me and my life and what I'm going through. At the same time it somehow makes me feel less alone. It also was a sincere boost in confidence when he said he enjoyed reading it. A few months ago after drinks with some old co-workers one of the women said after I had told a recent story about my life that she was still waiting for me to write that memoir. The idea of writing a memoir often feels so self-involved and narcissistic, but at the same time immensely therapeutic and possibly a little bit hopeful that it would offer comfort to even just one other person that there's so much more life on the other side of whatever it is you're currently dealing with.
I'm currently in Denver visiting my best friend that moved away this summer and her going away happy hour was the last time I saw the man whose voice I'm starting to forget. I've missed her so much and it has been so nice spending so much time with her but at the same time hard because she has been a part of my life only since this hurt began, and was really there for me when it got really hard after various other implosions. I can't help but associate her with those times in my life, but I know I am quite a mirror for her in that regard as well. At the end of the day though I'm immensely grateful for the friendship and wish she wasn't so far away. I found myself a month ago researching jobs in Denver... I was having the same pull I felt when things imploded the first time about wanting to run away and start over somewhere. I truly did attempt to move back to California on my own terms but in the end decided I couldn't do it just to get away, it had to be more in line with an overall life purpose reason. So instead of leaving I ended up going to grad school, and instead of living in one more city, I stayed right at home in Philly. I have zero regrets about that decision, I know the people I met through that program and the education I received was exactly what I needed and will continue to propel me towards the future I want for myself. I think the reason I even considered the idea of moving to Denver was because currently I'm desperate for relief from the way I've been feeling lately. While I think I would enjoy living out here, it's not home, home for me is where my family is, and that very much includes those I've chosen as my family.
I'm not particularly enjoying how pathetic and weak I've been feeling as of late and there's definitely parts of me that rebuke the sentiment of being broken, but I don't think it should be a shameful thing to admit to yourself or your world as you perceive it that you don't feel like yourself. I have no idea how long I will continue to feel just a little bit off, and how long these intense bouts of sadness and grief over someone who never actually let themselves truly be in my life will assault me with little warning...but I do know that just like everything in this life, what is now is not my forever. I know with conviction this too shall pass and I won't feel so broken and I will be able to love someone deeply again and I will find that elusive feeling of home.
Recently a random man I messaged on a dating app well over a year ago found his way to my instagram dms expressing that he has been reading my "travel blog" and regretted never replying to me. I laughed at him calling it a travel blog because it sure as shit hasn't been that since I got back from my trip. It is a little unnerving to truly realize a stranger could read these words of mine and learn an awful lot about me and my life and what I'm going through. At the same time it somehow makes me feel less alone. It also was a sincere boost in confidence when he said he enjoyed reading it. A few months ago after drinks with some old co-workers one of the women said after I had told a recent story about my life that she was still waiting for me to write that memoir. The idea of writing a memoir often feels so self-involved and narcissistic, but at the same time immensely therapeutic and possibly a little bit hopeful that it would offer comfort to even just one other person that there's so much more life on the other side of whatever it is you're currently dealing with.
I'm currently in Denver visiting my best friend that moved away this summer and her going away happy hour was the last time I saw the man whose voice I'm starting to forget. I've missed her so much and it has been so nice spending so much time with her but at the same time hard because she has been a part of my life only since this hurt began, and was really there for me when it got really hard after various other implosions. I can't help but associate her with those times in my life, but I know I am quite a mirror for her in that regard as well. At the end of the day though I'm immensely grateful for the friendship and wish she wasn't so far away. I found myself a month ago researching jobs in Denver... I was having the same pull I felt when things imploded the first time about wanting to run away and start over somewhere. I truly did attempt to move back to California on my own terms but in the end decided I couldn't do it just to get away, it had to be more in line with an overall life purpose reason. So instead of leaving I ended up going to grad school, and instead of living in one more city, I stayed right at home in Philly. I have zero regrets about that decision, I know the people I met through that program and the education I received was exactly what I needed and will continue to propel me towards the future I want for myself. I think the reason I even considered the idea of moving to Denver was because currently I'm desperate for relief from the way I've been feeling lately. While I think I would enjoy living out here, it's not home, home for me is where my family is, and that very much includes those I've chosen as my family.
I'm not particularly enjoying how pathetic and weak I've been feeling as of late and there's definitely parts of me that rebuke the sentiment of being broken, but I don't think it should be a shameful thing to admit to yourself or your world as you perceive it that you don't feel like yourself. I have no idea how long I will continue to feel just a little bit off, and how long these intense bouts of sadness and grief over someone who never actually let themselves truly be in my life will assault me with little warning...but I do know that just like everything in this life, what is now is not my forever. I know with conviction this too shall pass and I won't feel so broken and I will be able to love someone deeply again and I will find that elusive feeling of home.
Monday, January 27, 2020
Be honest...
I'm technically done for the day, weird to be done this early, but I got in early, needed to for a project, but also getting myself acclimated to a new schedule cuz work has agreed to let me leave early on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I can attend the live lectures for the prep course I signed up. Not psyched at all to have to study for this 8 hour god forsaken licensing exam yet again, but feeling better about actually having the time to put in that I need to. I truly tried to carve it out this fall, but between a really demanding client, worry for my twin, and my study schedule going completely sideways the last two weeks with my MIA study buddy and then my Aunt dying... It just was so hard to focus at the actual test. I remember sitting there and looking at the questions and knowing I knew how to do them, but not being able to calm myself enough to put my thoughts together and just having flashes to my family and wishing I was with everyone as they prepared for the funeral. I actually cried in the bathroom at one point...
But life happens, I have to figure out how to make sure that this time, no matter what unforeseen shit happens, I still put this first cuz I need to. I can't get to what is next in my career without this. I'm starting to feel the pressure of things with my twin lift, he got word on Friday that his insurance has been re-instated, and I wrote him a check yesterday for his first payment after he finally went to the recovery center with me to talk to an admissions counselor. He seems to be on board with a one week in-patient stay. I actually cried while we were there cuz I'm just so fucking relieved that real professionals are going to be able to help him. I've felt so helpless with this situation for over a year now and it feels so good to feel like we're making progress.
I also feel a bit lighter because yesterday morning I told the guy I've been seeing the last six weeks that I'm not as over something as I thought I was...and then that afternoon I deactivated all my profiles and uninstalled all the dating apps from my phone. There's a few people I was chatting with where it got to the point of exchanging numbers, and maybe 1st dates will still occur, but not because I'll be trying. I think I just need a break from it all and there is no need for the distraction of boys when this test needs to be my priority. Six weeks is not a very long time, but six weeks was all it was the first time with the man I can't forget and so it very much makes me feel like if I know I wouldn't miss this person, well then I'm just leading them on. It was nice having someone to listen to the nothings of my day, but when he came over on Thursday and I made us dinner and we watched Crazy Stupid Love at his suggestion and Steve Carell's character had a speech about soulmates I sure as shit wasn't thinking about the dude next to me...
I have no idea how long I'm gonna be stuck wishing for a different ending than that of strangers. Every logical and rational part of me believes I already should be, but the way my heart still hurts, and the way my heart feels so empty in the presence of others, I just know that I am not past it. I'm not really sure what it is that I can do to help myself move past it other than to just keep doing my best to be honest with where I'm at.
But life happens, I have to figure out how to make sure that this time, no matter what unforeseen shit happens, I still put this first cuz I need to. I can't get to what is next in my career without this. I'm starting to feel the pressure of things with my twin lift, he got word on Friday that his insurance has been re-instated, and I wrote him a check yesterday for his first payment after he finally went to the recovery center with me to talk to an admissions counselor. He seems to be on board with a one week in-patient stay. I actually cried while we were there cuz I'm just so fucking relieved that real professionals are going to be able to help him. I've felt so helpless with this situation for over a year now and it feels so good to feel like we're making progress.
I also feel a bit lighter because yesterday morning I told the guy I've been seeing the last six weeks that I'm not as over something as I thought I was...and then that afternoon I deactivated all my profiles and uninstalled all the dating apps from my phone. There's a few people I was chatting with where it got to the point of exchanging numbers, and maybe 1st dates will still occur, but not because I'll be trying. I think I just need a break from it all and there is no need for the distraction of boys when this test needs to be my priority. Six weeks is not a very long time, but six weeks was all it was the first time with the man I can't forget and so it very much makes me feel like if I know I wouldn't miss this person, well then I'm just leading them on. It was nice having someone to listen to the nothings of my day, but when he came over on Thursday and I made us dinner and we watched Crazy Stupid Love at his suggestion and Steve Carell's character had a speech about soulmates I sure as shit wasn't thinking about the dude next to me...
I have no idea how long I'm gonna be stuck wishing for a different ending than that of strangers. Every logical and rational part of me believes I already should be, but the way my heart still hurts, and the way my heart feels so empty in the presence of others, I just know that I am not past it. I'm not really sure what it is that I can do to help myself move past it other than to just keep doing my best to be honest with where I'm at.
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Strangers
"I don't want to be strangers"
That was the phrase that caused me to open back up to someone that had already broken my heart once before. The next two years would turn into this on again off again mess of confusion and extreme pain. Now, we're very close to truly becoming strangers. Every other time things imploded, it never really felt like it was over, no matter how hard I was trying to convince myself that it was, and that it was also for the best that it was. There was the potential to see him twice in the last two weeks, but it didn't happen and even though I know that it's a good thing, I'm still having to acknowledge my disappointment. I still seem to be quite distressed by the idea of it actually being over. I'm trying so hard to be open and willing to meet other people and to get to know them, but not much is happening for me on the emotional side of things and it's truly making me feel a little bit broken. His birthday is this week and I have found myself day dreaming about how if things were different, if he was mine, that I would have planned to take advantage of a long weekend and go somewhere to celebrate.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so stuck because I'm tired...because the idea of getting to know someone else and their life feels daunting and I'm just eager to already be at that level of understanding and comfort. That I just miss having someone to plan a future with. I think I'm also stuck cuz I'm stubborn and can't accept that I was so fucking wrong about someone. Never before had a person felt like home, it gave me a sureness about wanting to be with him I had never experienced and have yet to experience again. I have ideas about what I'm holding out for, and so many encounters start off so promising, but for whatever reason I still haven't felt any kind of long term potential. Just these situations where I know I could have fun for a few years, that they would treat me well, but it would never be what I ultimately want, so what's the point, and so I bail, and I'm sure that has to be confusing as hell for these men, because there is chemistry and a connection... just not the desire to share my life with them.
I'm hoping this funk I've been in lately is really just related to the increased potential of possibly seeing him and that soon I'll be a little more present in what's going on and not so fucking sad. I heard that song, "If the world was ending" back in mid December and it made me bawl the first time cuz I knew, the only person I'd want to see would be him, but I know I wouldn't be his. I find myself playing it a lot and I just fucking hate this feeling of being stuck and feeling so small, I'm really fucking bored of it. My twin keeps telling me I just haven't met anyone worthy yet, that it's gonna happen and I just need to try my best to be patient. I'm just sick of the amount of mental space my love life is fucking occupying. Maybe it's time to take a break from all of it again and try again in the spring, when it's easier to be more optimistic.
That was the phrase that caused me to open back up to someone that had already broken my heart once before. The next two years would turn into this on again off again mess of confusion and extreme pain. Now, we're very close to truly becoming strangers. Every other time things imploded, it never really felt like it was over, no matter how hard I was trying to convince myself that it was, and that it was also for the best that it was. There was the potential to see him twice in the last two weeks, but it didn't happen and even though I know that it's a good thing, I'm still having to acknowledge my disappointment. I still seem to be quite distressed by the idea of it actually being over. I'm trying so hard to be open and willing to meet other people and to get to know them, but not much is happening for me on the emotional side of things and it's truly making me feel a little bit broken. His birthday is this week and I have found myself day dreaming about how if things were different, if he was mine, that I would have planned to take advantage of a long weekend and go somewhere to celebrate.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so stuck because I'm tired...because the idea of getting to know someone else and their life feels daunting and I'm just eager to already be at that level of understanding and comfort. That I just miss having someone to plan a future with. I think I'm also stuck cuz I'm stubborn and can't accept that I was so fucking wrong about someone. Never before had a person felt like home, it gave me a sureness about wanting to be with him I had never experienced and have yet to experience again. I have ideas about what I'm holding out for, and so many encounters start off so promising, but for whatever reason I still haven't felt any kind of long term potential. Just these situations where I know I could have fun for a few years, that they would treat me well, but it would never be what I ultimately want, so what's the point, and so I bail, and I'm sure that has to be confusing as hell for these men, because there is chemistry and a connection... just not the desire to share my life with them.
I'm hoping this funk I've been in lately is really just related to the increased potential of possibly seeing him and that soon I'll be a little more present in what's going on and not so fucking sad. I heard that song, "If the world was ending" back in mid December and it made me bawl the first time cuz I knew, the only person I'd want to see would be him, but I know I wouldn't be his. I find myself playing it a lot and I just fucking hate this feeling of being stuck and feeling so small, I'm really fucking bored of it. My twin keeps telling me I just haven't met anyone worthy yet, that it's gonna happen and I just need to try my best to be patient. I'm just sick of the amount of mental space my love life is fucking occupying. Maybe it's time to take a break from all of it again and try again in the spring, when it's easier to be more optimistic.
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Unwavering
First day of not just a new year but a brand spanking new decade and I'm sitting on a bed in a room I've never been in before today. I have found myself volunteering to chill at the house of my technically ex-step-Zayda's girlfriend's son's house as like a mostly hands off babysitter while the son and his family are away on vacation. It doesn't really seem like it's particularly important I be here, but just more of a fail safe and allowing my step mother (technically ex... her and my father split when I was in college) and her sister to relax a bit since my Zayda has Alzheimer's. This blended family of mine can certainly be such a bear to explain to people...it's always interesting to see how some of the men I've been going out on dates with react to the convolutedness of it all. It's definitely why for me, the holidays are mostly stressful and I don't ever really look forward to them. It's a lot of running around and driving to try and manage to see all the different camps. I still have two family get-togethers this coming Saturday that I'll have to leave one early and get to the other one late. Seriously in need of some alone time and vegging the fuck out and I'm not sure I'm going to have the opportunity for that any time soon. If I really feel burned out before I have that chance I might take some PTO, I'm really not trying to start things off ignoring my body's signals.
I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying a house of my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process. I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously. And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear. So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.
I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality. Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.
I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying a house of my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process. I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously. And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear. So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.
I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality. Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.
Saturday, December 28, 2019
Tao
This is my sixth round of holidays being single. I guess perhaps in 2017 I wasn't truly single and had someone to exchange Christmas gifts with, and last year I spent Christmas night with that same man, but the further away from all that I get the less comfortable I feel calling it a relationship. It really never got there. Something I said not too long ago describes it well, we were never nothing, but never something either, just always an almost. It never really got off the ground because he never gave it that chance. For the majority of the past five years with that situation imploding and resurfacing it just always felt so circumstantial, and so unfinished. I have lamented to friends how I really never thought I was still going to be single 5 years after getting divorced but of course I am. How could I have ever been capable of truly connecting and letting anyone else in when I have allowed my heart to remain with someone that never chose me back. When things ended the first time in 2014 he told me not to give my heart up to someone who wouldn't cherish it and I truly had no clue that years later that would ultimately mean no longer giving it to him.
Once requited love is proving to be extremely difficult to let go of but it has been forcing me to spend so much time with myself, and learning my flaws in glaring ways. Living a heart centered life often causes me turmoil, but I'm not sure switching to a more logical way is the answer. Everything I've been learning this last year has pointed more to this idea of balance. To acknowledge the gray of it all and learn to be comfortable in it. To learn how to be more present in the now and not allow myself to spend so much time ruminating over the past and worrying about the future. I've never felt more present in my life than I did on my trip to Europe. I've never felt peace and calmness and genuine contentedness like I did during those magical three weeks. I'm still kinda pissed I allowed an interaction with that man the week I came back to result in me losing that feeling. That yet again I let my hurt from that cause me to descend into despair instead of staying in the high vibration of being satisfied with my life. I haven't seen him since that day and while there's parts of me that seem to be saddened by the idea that I may never see him again, the rest of me can feel how beneficial it has been to my mental health to finally have that space. I know I will continue to wonder if he is happy and wish the ending had turned out differently but I hope the day where I can say with conviction it worked out for the highest good of all involved reaches me soon. For a long time it has felt like my heart has been so sad that it has made the rest of me sick, almost as if I have been a shadow of what I could be.
I know a new year doesn't really mean that anything changes in any real sense, but I do feel like the energy of everyone changes. That everyone is just a little more hopeful than usual, believing that maybe this is the year, this is when things will be different, and so they're a little more open, and try a little harder. I think if you can harness that energy in a productive way and change habits that detract from your goals, than you really can make it be the year that it all changes because we truly are the architects of our own lives, and the change we wish to see in our outward world, begins in our inward world.
Once requited love is proving to be extremely difficult to let go of but it has been forcing me to spend so much time with myself, and learning my flaws in glaring ways. Living a heart centered life often causes me turmoil, but I'm not sure switching to a more logical way is the answer. Everything I've been learning this last year has pointed more to this idea of balance. To acknowledge the gray of it all and learn to be comfortable in it. To learn how to be more present in the now and not allow myself to spend so much time ruminating over the past and worrying about the future. I've never felt more present in my life than I did on my trip to Europe. I've never felt peace and calmness and genuine contentedness like I did during those magical three weeks. I'm still kinda pissed I allowed an interaction with that man the week I came back to result in me losing that feeling. That yet again I let my hurt from that cause me to descend into despair instead of staying in the high vibration of being satisfied with my life. I haven't seen him since that day and while there's parts of me that seem to be saddened by the idea that I may never see him again, the rest of me can feel how beneficial it has been to my mental health to finally have that space. I know I will continue to wonder if he is happy and wish the ending had turned out differently but I hope the day where I can say with conviction it worked out for the highest good of all involved reaches me soon. For a long time it has felt like my heart has been so sad that it has made the rest of me sick, almost as if I have been a shadow of what I could be.
I know a new year doesn't really mean that anything changes in any real sense, but I do feel like the energy of everyone changes. That everyone is just a little more hopeful than usual, believing that maybe this is the year, this is when things will be different, and so they're a little more open, and try a little harder. I think if you can harness that energy in a productive way and change habits that detract from your goals, than you really can make it be the year that it all changes because we truly are the architects of our own lives, and the change we wish to see in our outward world, begins in our inward world.
Wednesday, December 11, 2019
A Prayer
Triggers to memories are such an interesting thing. Certain smells, or songs that can take you right back to a specific time in your life. But then there's all sorts of things that we associate with the people in our lives, but you don't recognize them too deeply until they're no longer in your life, whether that be a past love, old friend, or a loved one that has died.
Full moons always make me think about the man most of me wishes to forget at this point. Five years ago he made me a mix CD, titled Harvest Moon with the classic Neil Young song among the sixteen songs. He also gave it to me on the night of the Harvest Moon and I stared at that bright huge moon while I sat in my car and listened the first time through. It's honestly still the most thoughtful and romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
The part about moving forward that I hate the most is the tendency to try and rewrite the past as if it was all a lie. That because things aren't what I wish them to be now, that it must mean it was never what I thought it was. I really don't want to do that though, I'd much rather leave the memories to be the special moments that they were and believe that whatever happened then was real then no matter the outcome now. I still waiver between feeling hurt, angry, and shame. The first two are easy to understand, the last is harder to integrate. I don't fully know how to make myself believe I'm not an idiot for having sincerely believed I was made to love him. I really did though. I truly felt that all my life experiences and my general nature prepared me well to love him deeply and for what a life with him would be like. Perhaps I wasn't wrong entirely, just wrong about the timeframe.
I haven't prayed in a long long time, I tried to a little in a church during my trip, but it just felt like I was talking to myself. But earlier today while driving home from work I really did pray to the powers that be to just help me let go and move forward with my life. I told them I hoped should I ever see him again that I could hug him, that I could show that I'm truly happy that he's happy, that it's ok I wasn't his choice, that I still believe him to be a good man and will care for him always. I know I'm a little far away from truly feeling that way, but it's genuinely where I hope to land in regards to this whole mess. I don't like harboring hurt or anger, they take up too much space.
I'm really trying this whole dating thing again and I'm meeting such wonderful people even amidst the abundance of shitty people, but the emotional side of me still feels so fucking closed off. Patience has never been my strong suit but oh I swear I'm trying to really give things a chance. I know there's someone out there worth choosing that will choose me too.
Full moons always make me think about the man most of me wishes to forget at this point. Five years ago he made me a mix CD, titled Harvest Moon with the classic Neil Young song among the sixteen songs. He also gave it to me on the night of the Harvest Moon and I stared at that bright huge moon while I sat in my car and listened the first time through. It's honestly still the most thoughtful and romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
The part about moving forward that I hate the most is the tendency to try and rewrite the past as if it was all a lie. That because things aren't what I wish them to be now, that it must mean it was never what I thought it was. I really don't want to do that though, I'd much rather leave the memories to be the special moments that they were and believe that whatever happened then was real then no matter the outcome now. I still waiver between feeling hurt, angry, and shame. The first two are easy to understand, the last is harder to integrate. I don't fully know how to make myself believe I'm not an idiot for having sincerely believed I was made to love him. I really did though. I truly felt that all my life experiences and my general nature prepared me well to love him deeply and for what a life with him would be like. Perhaps I wasn't wrong entirely, just wrong about the timeframe.
I haven't prayed in a long long time, I tried to a little in a church during my trip, but it just felt like I was talking to myself. But earlier today while driving home from work I really did pray to the powers that be to just help me let go and move forward with my life. I told them I hoped should I ever see him again that I could hug him, that I could show that I'm truly happy that he's happy, that it's ok I wasn't his choice, that I still believe him to be a good man and will care for him always. I know I'm a little far away from truly feeling that way, but it's genuinely where I hope to land in regards to this whole mess. I don't like harboring hurt or anger, they take up too much space.
I'm really trying this whole dating thing again and I'm meeting such wonderful people even amidst the abundance of shitty people, but the emotional side of me still feels so fucking closed off. Patience has never been my strong suit but oh I swear I'm trying to really give things a chance. I know there's someone out there worth choosing that will choose me too.
Saturday, November 23, 2019
Leaps and Bounds
Decided to participate in this decades challenge even though a part of me is like well this is fucking dumb, it would really be better to do this in January and post something from 2010 January and then that first week of the new decade... which of course will probably fucking happen but I guess the fad just high lights the fact that a lot of people are looking forward to a new decade, perhaps the way I was looking forward to my own personal new decade. I went to therapy for the first time since July on Thursday. I had made the appointment the week before, and honestly I was so grateful I did because even though it was so nice to be in Pittsburgh, it also caused a lot of weird feelings to resurface.
I found myself being drawn into this Psychic Tarot shop and just let myself be in the moment and get a reading. She brought up the man I've been trying so hard to let go of, mentioning twin flames, and all this other shit that just got in my head when I really do feel like I've made progress in moving forward. This little interaction prompted me to check out social media and low and behold there was a brand new family photo and seeing it just broke me. I haven't cried that hard in a while and it was so deflating. Was nice that a friend that knows all the background told me his first thought was what a sham that all is, but I honestly just hope that he's happy.
This little decade challenge has made me think about just how much has happened in a year. While there's definitely a deep sadness still lurking, I went back to my blog from last November and right around this time I was in a much shittier place. I had let myself meet up with this man right after Halloween because I just missed him too damn much, but never told anyone in my life that I was doing it because frankly I knew they'd try to talk me out of it and I just had this overwhelming feeling of needing more time with him. A week later I went to a concert with my best friend and he got so drunk that he physically hurt me when I told him I wasn't buying him anymore drinks and then a little later in the night sexual assaulted me. When I tried to take his hands out of my pants and turn towards him to ask him what exactly he thought he was doing he just started to kiss me. We were right next to a security guard and even though I didn't want what was happening to be happening, my only thought was that if I make a scene he'll get in trouble and I don't want that. So it was as if I turned myself off and just let it happen. A week after this I was supposed to attend a Friendsgiving, the same one I have tonight, and I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't get my mind to stop looping on the thoughts that it would be so much easier if life was just done. But I called my sister, and I called my friend that was hosting, and between them they convinced me it would be good, and so I left my house and it was worth it.
It took me nearly two months to be able to tell my friend what had happened because he didn't remember. The next three months would result in talking to the man nearly every day, seeing him the week after Thanksgiving and then saying it can't happen again, but then caving and seeing him on Christmas, and then once the new year started, definitely talking everyday and meeting up at least once a week. All this time I told no one about him, and I was still dating other people, trying so hard to accept that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, even though what we were doing certainly had a lot of elements of that, and even though on Valentines Day he told me he loved me too. I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen, I'm not sure if part of me hoped that if he could just remember all the good of us, he'd want me back? Eventually I met someone I thought was worth it, someone I genuinely wanted to try and be in a relationship with, so for once I was the one who ended things, but it didn't matter. I still ended up feeling like I had lost him all over again and I'm sure that played a large role into why I could never feel anything for the man I started to date this past February. I kept hoping it would change... but it didn't and honestly mostly mutually, we ended things near the end of April.
So its been since April that I have tried to actually be with someone and I felt so fucking jaded and tried hard to say goodbye to the man before I went on my trip. I just so badly had this idea that coming back from that was going to be a new chapter, a better one and I needed to do what I could to wrap up these loose ends. He didn't take me up on my offer to have a goodbye and I just tried to accept that being dead to each other was for the best. When I got back from my trip I had the strongest belief that things were not done, that at some point in the future this will circle back around, but not for a while, not until a lot of things were sorted out. Having that feeling didn't make it any easier to find out he was trying again to work things out with someone else and yet again it feels like I have allowed my hurt about this situation with him, to damper the happiness I feel for everything else in my life...
I tried the apps again, but then quickly lost interest and focused on my test but the test is done, and I'm sincerely trying to be open to the idea that I can find love again. Finally met up with a guy last night after two weeks of chatting, and it was a lot of fun, but he's not over his ex. He thinks he is, but I know better...for now it'll be fun to have someone that asks about the nothings of my day, but it's not going to develop into more and I'm not sure I feel any which way about that.
"I wish I was the moon" feels like my theme song as of late and that's not really feeling like a good sign, but I know without a doubt, where I am today, is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at last year and I have so much faith that this time next year I will again be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am now.
I found myself being drawn into this Psychic Tarot shop and just let myself be in the moment and get a reading. She brought up the man I've been trying so hard to let go of, mentioning twin flames, and all this other shit that just got in my head when I really do feel like I've made progress in moving forward. This little interaction prompted me to check out social media and low and behold there was a brand new family photo and seeing it just broke me. I haven't cried that hard in a while and it was so deflating. Was nice that a friend that knows all the background told me his first thought was what a sham that all is, but I honestly just hope that he's happy.
This little decade challenge has made me think about just how much has happened in a year. While there's definitely a deep sadness still lurking, I went back to my blog from last November and right around this time I was in a much shittier place. I had let myself meet up with this man right after Halloween because I just missed him too damn much, but never told anyone in my life that I was doing it because frankly I knew they'd try to talk me out of it and I just had this overwhelming feeling of needing more time with him. A week later I went to a concert with my best friend and he got so drunk that he physically hurt me when I told him I wasn't buying him anymore drinks and then a little later in the night sexual assaulted me. When I tried to take his hands out of my pants and turn towards him to ask him what exactly he thought he was doing he just started to kiss me. We were right next to a security guard and even though I didn't want what was happening to be happening, my only thought was that if I make a scene he'll get in trouble and I don't want that. So it was as if I turned myself off and just let it happen. A week after this I was supposed to attend a Friendsgiving, the same one I have tonight, and I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't get my mind to stop looping on the thoughts that it would be so much easier if life was just done. But I called my sister, and I called my friend that was hosting, and between them they convinced me it would be good, and so I left my house and it was worth it.
It took me nearly two months to be able to tell my friend what had happened because he didn't remember. The next three months would result in talking to the man nearly every day, seeing him the week after Thanksgiving and then saying it can't happen again, but then caving and seeing him on Christmas, and then once the new year started, definitely talking everyday and meeting up at least once a week. All this time I told no one about him, and I was still dating other people, trying so hard to accept that he didn't want to be in a relationship with me, even though what we were doing certainly had a lot of elements of that, and even though on Valentines Day he told me he loved me too. I'm not sure what I thought was going to happen, I'm not sure if part of me hoped that if he could just remember all the good of us, he'd want me back? Eventually I met someone I thought was worth it, someone I genuinely wanted to try and be in a relationship with, so for once I was the one who ended things, but it didn't matter. I still ended up feeling like I had lost him all over again and I'm sure that played a large role into why I could never feel anything for the man I started to date this past February. I kept hoping it would change... but it didn't and honestly mostly mutually, we ended things near the end of April.
So its been since April that I have tried to actually be with someone and I felt so fucking jaded and tried hard to say goodbye to the man before I went on my trip. I just so badly had this idea that coming back from that was going to be a new chapter, a better one and I needed to do what I could to wrap up these loose ends. He didn't take me up on my offer to have a goodbye and I just tried to accept that being dead to each other was for the best. When I got back from my trip I had the strongest belief that things were not done, that at some point in the future this will circle back around, but not for a while, not until a lot of things were sorted out. Having that feeling didn't make it any easier to find out he was trying again to work things out with someone else and yet again it feels like I have allowed my hurt about this situation with him, to damper the happiness I feel for everything else in my life...
I tried the apps again, but then quickly lost interest and focused on my test but the test is done, and I'm sincerely trying to be open to the idea that I can find love again. Finally met up with a guy last night after two weeks of chatting, and it was a lot of fun, but he's not over his ex. He thinks he is, but I know better...for now it'll be fun to have someone that asks about the nothings of my day, but it's not going to develop into more and I'm not sure I feel any which way about that.
"I wish I was the moon" feels like my theme song as of late and that's not really feeling like a good sign, but I know without a doubt, where I am today, is leaps and bounds ahead of where I was at last year and I have so much faith that this time next year I will again be leaps and bounds ahead of where I am now.
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