I know I should already be sleeping but I have the itch to write... it's always best to just accept it than fight it off and lay awake. I've been feeling a lot like the me of my youth, the one that was always lost in a book, enthralled with another world because I didn't care too much for mine. Major difference is that this past week though instead of books it's been webcomics. I'm now thoroughly invested in seven different worlds that update on a different day of the week, I wanted to give myself something to look forward to every day. I really can't tell if that line of thinking is something to be worried about...
My twin has finally come around to recognizing this program I found is his best shot at rebooting his life, however since we were out of state recently, they're not accepting him until he can provide documentation he's coronavirus free... apparently nothing can be easy. I barely worked last week and I really don't want to use PTO... I hoped to get some work done this weekend but Saturday was spent participating in an international dance party on zoom which was awesome, and then waiting to find out if the center was going to let him in, and when that fell through, my more than a friend brought over Chinese and we watched Onward together. He really has become my person over this past month and it's starting to make me worried. I really don't think I'd survive if one more person decided I'm good for fun, but nothing more.
It already feels like it's more but I truly don't know...I hoped to get some work done today but I've ended up being sad and mopey a good portion of the day. I've been frustrated that my experiences with others are causing me to doubt the intentions of someone who has been nothing but kind to me since the moment we met. I find myself hoping that should things not become more that he will not choose to ignore my existence too... it's something awful when someone you care deeply for looks through you like you're glass. However for the first time I've found myself hoping that things really are done with the man because every time the last three years I've started to find just a little bit of happiness, he has always popped back in. I had once prayed that we would find our way back to friendship but honestly this last year he never treated me with any semblance of kindness and I'd be a fool to give any more of my energy to someone who clearly doesn't care for my well being. I was scrolling through my notes just before starting this entry and found this poem of sorts I don't even remember writing but apparently I did some time in early 2019.
"Everything Dies"
You hold me close during stolen time. You fuck me hard but then slow. Your eyes are bright with desire but sometimes I'll see a flash of love. It was love once, years ago. It's something different now, something deep but not the same. I can't remember the last time I heard you call me beautiful. I can't recall the last time you did something nice for me just to see me smile. It used to feel special, but I guess everything dies if you stop feeding it.
_______________
I'm still counting the days it's been since I last touched him, since I last saw his face, since I last reached out. I really hope soon I won't feel the need to keep counting because that will mean I've truly stopped waiting for the man to come back.
Sunday, March 22, 2020
Wednesday, March 18, 2020
Roller Coaster
Times like these make it harder to forget there's someone you love that isn't dead, but isn't in your life. However times like these remind you that while you may be worried and wonder if they and their family are ok, none of that is your business, even during a time like this.
COVID-19 aside, the last few days of my life have been a roller coaster. Sunday night I was supposed to finally drop off my twin to the inpatient facility. I had initially hoped to do it early evening but he stalled, asked to do dinner together and watch the debate. So we did and it was a really nice night despite feeling how on edge he was. Eventually I got him to agree it was time and we drove over to the facility around 10:30. We then proceeded to sit in the parking lot for an hour and a half. He completely freaked out and was incredibly torn and I did my best to just be calm, to listen, and let him know I wasn't our parents, that if he didn't do this I wasn't going to be disappointed in him and laud it over him. That all I wanted was to make sure he finally got the help he deserved and has been asking for and this was an option, one I didn't see any negatives from. It was a draining and exhausting experience, but in the end I think an important one. He kept saying that all his life he just went with the flow of what everyone else was telling him to do, and was the right thing but that acquiescing to our father having deduced him down to nothing more than an addict, wasn't it. He was like "I need professional help, mentally and physically, but allowing dad to spend the money for a stay like this when he could spend that on paying down one of my student loans, I'm just going to seethe in anger". I have no idea how much of what transpired was him manipulating me or him finally putting his foot down and accepting he needs help, but on his own terms. At one point he said " I hate the life I've carved out for myself" which broke my fucking heart...We also talked about how he was feeling a lot of shame at the idea of needing rehab...I think everyone struggles with asking for help, and I'm sure needing help to that degree is harder to wrap your head around. He acknowledged that so many of his struggles stem from his low self esteem and he was afraid that going through a program like this would strip him of what little he had left. I tried to encourage him that this would be a safe space and that part of the reason I was in support was because they acknowledged addiction is just a symptom of often various underlying causes and he was like "I know what my problem is, it's my chronic pain", to which I responded "Well then great you have a leg up on everyone else. You've been begging to have access to doctors and psychiatrists and here you go, you have a whole week to have their audience and you could come out of this at least with a diagnosis. Yes, you could go see a doctor and psychiatrist outside of something like this, but getting appointments and enough of them to reach a diagnosis can take months in a regular functioning world, who knows how long it will take right now and Dad is only paying for one year of your health insurance."
I tried so hard but to no avail and I'm struggling so hard to shake these feelings of failure. The friend now more came over on Monday and made us dinner and we watched the rest of the Mandalorian and holy cow does baby Yoda give me baby fever. I was really grateful to have him here, for the support and the distraction. He mentioned at one point that he talks to his mom about most things, and I actually met his mother, step father and sister on Friday when he invited me over for dinner and to stay over. A little while later I was like, "So if you chat with your mom about everything, what does she have to say about you hanging out with me so soon after everything you're going through". To which he replied well I haven't talked to her about that, and asked me why, and I was like well "I want to know what you think about it and this felt like a good segue to bring it up". He basically said that he hasn't thought too much about it but that he's really enjoying hanging out, which I was like yea me too, but I'm moving to Maryland and he was like I know. That was the end of the conversation...I have no idea what is going to come of it and I'm trying for once to just not worry about the eventual. I've really needed someone to be there for me instead of worrying about everyone else in my life and he has certainly been that. Friday night in his bed he told me "You have such a genuine smile", and I responded "It's easy to have a genuine smile when you're genuinely happy". I've felt cared for in a way I haven't in probably a decade and I keep telling myself no matter the outcome I deserve this right now. It was so fun to be in his childhood house and see photos of him as a kid, I really like his mom too...but it sucked that there were moments where I remembered how badly I wanted to reach this place with the man... how badly I wanted to know all about his childhood and where he came from...
Perhaps once I leave for MD whatever it has been will fade out, hopefully in a more conscious way cuz I'm not sure I could handle losing another friend that means this much to me. I've been reflecting a lot lately on how things with the man really never were much more than a physical thing that was pretty much always a secret. There have been times where I have wondered if when I asked for space to pursue something with someone else who was willing to try if I just pushed him back into his life when he had made such progress... he had told his family, friends, and boss that he was getting a divorce. He had even filed paperwork and when we were last in regular contact he had been apartment hunting. Apparently two months after my request they got a new dog, and by the time I came home from my trip I had to ask him if they were giving it a go again. While part of me knows that with having never been anything real he didn't owe me anything, the side of me that has always been his friend, not the side of me that is the woman in love with him, knows I did deserve a goodbye and I did deserve to have him tell me himself that he was choosing to stay in his marriage. The moments I wonder if I made the right call I go back to my old blog and read through my thoughts and I remember in full force how fucking worthless the situation made me feel and no matter how much I may still miss him and love him, I was so very right to end what was going on and to give myself a chance at letting go and finding someone that values me. Lately I've been trying to focus on the fact that I only ever heard a very one sided story of his marriage and that perhaps it really was something worth saving and that he is happy. Perhaps all we were ever meant to be was secret lovers, and nothing more... Reminds me of a quote that I love and used to have hanging on my quote wall.
COVID-19 aside, the last few days of my life have been a roller coaster. Sunday night I was supposed to finally drop off my twin to the inpatient facility. I had initially hoped to do it early evening but he stalled, asked to do dinner together and watch the debate. So we did and it was a really nice night despite feeling how on edge he was. Eventually I got him to agree it was time and we drove over to the facility around 10:30. We then proceeded to sit in the parking lot for an hour and a half. He completely freaked out and was incredibly torn and I did my best to just be calm, to listen, and let him know I wasn't our parents, that if he didn't do this I wasn't going to be disappointed in him and laud it over him. That all I wanted was to make sure he finally got the help he deserved and has been asking for and this was an option, one I didn't see any negatives from. It was a draining and exhausting experience, but in the end I think an important one. He kept saying that all his life he just went with the flow of what everyone else was telling him to do, and was the right thing but that acquiescing to our father having deduced him down to nothing more than an addict, wasn't it. He was like "I need professional help, mentally and physically, but allowing dad to spend the money for a stay like this when he could spend that on paying down one of my student loans, I'm just going to seethe in anger". I have no idea how much of what transpired was him manipulating me or him finally putting his foot down and accepting he needs help, but on his own terms. At one point he said " I hate the life I've carved out for myself" which broke my fucking heart...We also talked about how he was feeling a lot of shame at the idea of needing rehab...I think everyone struggles with asking for help, and I'm sure needing help to that degree is harder to wrap your head around. He acknowledged that so many of his struggles stem from his low self esteem and he was afraid that going through a program like this would strip him of what little he had left. I tried to encourage him that this would be a safe space and that part of the reason I was in support was because they acknowledged addiction is just a symptom of often various underlying causes and he was like "I know what my problem is, it's my chronic pain", to which I responded "Well then great you have a leg up on everyone else. You've been begging to have access to doctors and psychiatrists and here you go, you have a whole week to have their audience and you could come out of this at least with a diagnosis. Yes, you could go see a doctor and psychiatrist outside of something like this, but getting appointments and enough of them to reach a diagnosis can take months in a regular functioning world, who knows how long it will take right now and Dad is only paying for one year of your health insurance."
I tried so hard but to no avail and I'm struggling so hard to shake these feelings of failure. The friend now more came over on Monday and made us dinner and we watched the rest of the Mandalorian and holy cow does baby Yoda give me baby fever. I was really grateful to have him here, for the support and the distraction. He mentioned at one point that he talks to his mom about most things, and I actually met his mother, step father and sister on Friday when he invited me over for dinner and to stay over. A little while later I was like, "So if you chat with your mom about everything, what does she have to say about you hanging out with me so soon after everything you're going through". To which he replied well I haven't talked to her about that, and asked me why, and I was like well "I want to know what you think about it and this felt like a good segue to bring it up". He basically said that he hasn't thought too much about it but that he's really enjoying hanging out, which I was like yea me too, but I'm moving to Maryland and he was like I know. That was the end of the conversation...I have no idea what is going to come of it and I'm trying for once to just not worry about the eventual. I've really needed someone to be there for me instead of worrying about everyone else in my life and he has certainly been that. Friday night in his bed he told me "You have such a genuine smile", and I responded "It's easy to have a genuine smile when you're genuinely happy". I've felt cared for in a way I haven't in probably a decade and I keep telling myself no matter the outcome I deserve this right now. It was so fun to be in his childhood house and see photos of him as a kid, I really like his mom too...but it sucked that there were moments where I remembered how badly I wanted to reach this place with the man... how badly I wanted to know all about his childhood and where he came from...
Perhaps once I leave for MD whatever it has been will fade out, hopefully in a more conscious way cuz I'm not sure I could handle losing another friend that means this much to me. I've been reflecting a lot lately on how things with the man really never were much more than a physical thing that was pretty much always a secret. There have been times where I have wondered if when I asked for space to pursue something with someone else who was willing to try if I just pushed him back into his life when he had made such progress... he had told his family, friends, and boss that he was getting a divorce. He had even filed paperwork and when we were last in regular contact he had been apartment hunting. Apparently two months after my request they got a new dog, and by the time I came home from my trip I had to ask him if they were giving it a go again. While part of me knows that with having never been anything real he didn't owe me anything, the side of me that has always been his friend, not the side of me that is the woman in love with him, knows I did deserve a goodbye and I did deserve to have him tell me himself that he was choosing to stay in his marriage. The moments I wonder if I made the right call I go back to my old blog and read through my thoughts and I remember in full force how fucking worthless the situation made me feel and no matter how much I may still miss him and love him, I was so very right to end what was going on and to give myself a chance at letting go and finding someone that values me. Lately I've been trying to focus on the fact that I only ever heard a very one sided story of his marriage and that perhaps it really was something worth saving and that he is happy. Perhaps all we were ever meant to be was secret lovers, and nothing more... Reminds me of a quote that I love and used to have hanging on my quote wall.
Wednesday, March 11, 2020
Scattered
Sometimes it feels like I'm disproportionately surrounded by sad men that I can't actually help. All I want to do is fix it, make it better, take their pain away, but it feels like all I do is listen, and is that enough? Burdman texted me stupid late on Saturday obviously in the midst of another drinking binge, but this time he actually said the phrase " I don't want to be alive". I didn't see them right away he sent them at 3:30 in the morning, but luckily I was awake and as soon as I did I asked if he needed me to come over and he just said no and then stopped responding, and wouldn't answer his phone. I spent the next hour convincing myself that driving over there was a gross overreaction. I so badly wanted to reach out to the man to ask him what to do because I truly didn't know but in the end I decided that perhaps I was wanting a "valid" reason to reach out to him and there was no point. So I wrote in the blog that no one reads... the one I use when the urge to talk to him is too much and I just need to get it out of my head...it helps, it really does, but this situation is different. This isn't just me missing him and still wanting him in my life, this is me still thinking about that night and wondering if our mutual and close friend truly needs help and how do I help them?
Just because you don't drink every day, doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem... does he drink to the point of not wanting to be here, or does he always feel like he doesn't want to be here and the drinking allows him to admit it? I genuinely don't know the answer to that, but I know neither is good. Luckily that night as I was crying in my bed freaking the fuck out, a friend that has recently become more than a friend, happened to respond to a text I sent him. He helped me calm down and I was so grateful that I had someone, even if what's happening right now may not be anything more than a rebound situation. We met up a few weeks ago after I learned about things imploding with his gf of over two years that he was living with... Funny how right before this I had decided to give up on dating entirely for the moment, and now someone is asking me about my day, offering to make me dinner so I don't have to worry about one more thing, and cleaned all the dishes from a meal I made us. I really am such an acts of service kind of person, I'm not sure anyone has ever done the dishes for me and the fact he did it without me even saying anything, without even grumbling about it, it meant so much to me.
I have no idea if he should be one more moving part to be considered as I make my decision about Maryland... I don't even know how to ask him that. We've been friends for nearly five years now, and he's been a wonderful friend to me. When I was in grad school he used to let me crash at his place and take naps, or use his printer, he even picked me up from the airport at 1 in the morning and his car broke down! He so hasn't finished processing what he's going through, this last gf was the longest and most serious thing he has been in so far and it ended with cheating which is such a mind fuck. He seems to also be a bit lost in his professional life and dealing with some health issues and frankly just a bit of a mess. I have no idea if it could become more, or even if I want it to, I just know that I'm so sick of being a band aid for men's egos. I want to share my life with someone and I'm getting so fucking impatient for that person to show up.
I feel scattered as fuck lately and clearly not focused at work nor have I been dedicated to studying and that's a real problem. With my twin continuing to capitulate about everything and my dad now cancelling his trip to the mainland my focus has been elsewhere...my life feels relentless.
Just because you don't drink every day, doesn't mean you don't have a drinking problem... does he drink to the point of not wanting to be here, or does he always feel like he doesn't want to be here and the drinking allows him to admit it? I genuinely don't know the answer to that, but I know neither is good. Luckily that night as I was crying in my bed freaking the fuck out, a friend that has recently become more than a friend, happened to respond to a text I sent him. He helped me calm down and I was so grateful that I had someone, even if what's happening right now may not be anything more than a rebound situation. We met up a few weeks ago after I learned about things imploding with his gf of over two years that he was living with... Funny how right before this I had decided to give up on dating entirely for the moment, and now someone is asking me about my day, offering to make me dinner so I don't have to worry about one more thing, and cleaned all the dishes from a meal I made us. I really am such an acts of service kind of person, I'm not sure anyone has ever done the dishes for me and the fact he did it without me even saying anything, without even grumbling about it, it meant so much to me.
I have no idea if he should be one more moving part to be considered as I make my decision about Maryland... I don't even know how to ask him that. We've been friends for nearly five years now, and he's been a wonderful friend to me. When I was in grad school he used to let me crash at his place and take naps, or use his printer, he even picked me up from the airport at 1 in the morning and his car broke down! He so hasn't finished processing what he's going through, this last gf was the longest and most serious thing he has been in so far and it ended with cheating which is such a mind fuck. He seems to also be a bit lost in his professional life and dealing with some health issues and frankly just a bit of a mess. I have no idea if it could become more, or even if I want it to, I just know that I'm so sick of being a band aid for men's egos. I want to share my life with someone and I'm getting so fucking impatient for that person to show up.
I feel scattered as fuck lately and clearly not focused at work nor have I been dedicated to studying and that's a real problem. With my twin continuing to capitulate about everything and my dad now cancelling his trip to the mainland my focus has been elsewhere...my life feels relentless.
Tuesday, March 3, 2020
Love is not Pie
An interaction with a married friend yesterday who currently feels undesirable and knows what I've been through, caused me to admit that I have a subconscious belief that I deserve to be alone because of what I did. That I am only good for inciting desire, but not worth building a life with. That this deep loneliness I feel is my punishment.
When things imploded the first time the unavailable man I had fallen in love with intimated that he didn't care about his own happiness. I remember telling him that of course there would be consequences for his actions, but by no means did he deserve to spend a lifetime being unhappy. It's wild how much easier it is to have compassion for others versus compassion for yourself. I've missed him more lately and have been yearning for him to reach out and I'm sure it has a lot to do with it being the anniversary of it being over, and knowing it's the anniversary of him learning of his wife's infidelity. I remember dates in a way that I'm not sure has ever been healthy... I give meaning to everything in a way that feels unhealthy but as I'm thinking about it now in a removed headspace the fact that I can give meaning to the littlest of things makes my life quite rich. I can be quite spontaneous and often am winging it, but everything I do has meaning, has purpose and I know I prefer it that way. It's just a double edged sword when it comes to integrating the past. I know quite firmly that love is not pie, that having feelings for one, does not diminish the feelings for another. I know that relationships change and grow, and wax and wane but nothing now erases what was. I once told the man that the love I have for him could never be a mistake and I still feel that way with every fiber of my being, even though there are times my sad heart wishes to forget all of the memories.
I had the privilege of experiencing an all consuming love, one that filled me with such joy and an eagerness to be here, to live loudly and excited for all that was to come. Some people never get to feel that way and even though it didn't last, and even though it never became the someday we once talked about, I am grateful for the experience. I think I've known it all along, but a love like that will never truly leave me, but it doesn't mean I can't love someone else. I think I've been wanting the love to go away, to not still miss him, and then it would feel like I had let go and moved on. I'm not sure it works like that, I think it's going to be more of an acceptance of this love and allowing my heart to expand to love others.
The conversation about a move to Maryland has progressed and seeming more likely but it feels right. It feels like the next step to keep pushing towards a life of abundance and I don't even care how fucking cheesy that sounds. I cried myself to sleep last night and am surprised at the way I'm currently feeling but I think there's such truth in acknowledging that we are meant to experience our emotions in their fullness so we can then be released from them. If you try to suppress them, they end up trapped inside you and eventually manifest in a way that is very rarely productive.
When things imploded the first time the unavailable man I had fallen in love with intimated that he didn't care about his own happiness. I remember telling him that of course there would be consequences for his actions, but by no means did he deserve to spend a lifetime being unhappy. It's wild how much easier it is to have compassion for others versus compassion for yourself. I've missed him more lately and have been yearning for him to reach out and I'm sure it has a lot to do with it being the anniversary of it being over, and knowing it's the anniversary of him learning of his wife's infidelity. I remember dates in a way that I'm not sure has ever been healthy... I give meaning to everything in a way that feels unhealthy but as I'm thinking about it now in a removed headspace the fact that I can give meaning to the littlest of things makes my life quite rich. I can be quite spontaneous and often am winging it, but everything I do has meaning, has purpose and I know I prefer it that way. It's just a double edged sword when it comes to integrating the past. I know quite firmly that love is not pie, that having feelings for one, does not diminish the feelings for another. I know that relationships change and grow, and wax and wane but nothing now erases what was. I once told the man that the love I have for him could never be a mistake and I still feel that way with every fiber of my being, even though there are times my sad heart wishes to forget all of the memories.
I had the privilege of experiencing an all consuming love, one that filled me with such joy and an eagerness to be here, to live loudly and excited for all that was to come. Some people never get to feel that way and even though it didn't last, and even though it never became the someday we once talked about, I am grateful for the experience. I think I've known it all along, but a love like that will never truly leave me, but it doesn't mean I can't love someone else. I think I've been wanting the love to go away, to not still miss him, and then it would feel like I had let go and moved on. I'm not sure it works like that, I think it's going to be more of an acceptance of this love and allowing my heart to expand to love others.
The conversation about a move to Maryland has progressed and seeming more likely but it feels right. It feels like the next step to keep pushing towards a life of abundance and I don't even care how fucking cheesy that sounds. I cried myself to sleep last night and am surprised at the way I'm currently feeling but I think there's such truth in acknowledging that we are meant to experience our emotions in their fullness so we can then be released from them. If you try to suppress them, they end up trapped inside you and eventually manifest in a way that is very rarely productive.
Friday, February 28, 2020
Might runaway afterall
I decided the other day to take a break from all of social media, just deactivated facebook and instagram, and deleted everything off my phone. Some of it was to avoid the time suck that I just can't afford at the moment with everything going on with my twin, and work, and studying, but I know part of it was to stop the trigger of those god forsaken memories. My memories the last few weeks have been abundant with shit from two years ago where I was crushed after things ended when I honestly had no idea they were about to... I posted a lot, and apparently as my sister has pointed out to me, I do that when I'm not okay. Which makes sense, I think we all desire connection when we don't want to be here...we want something to make us remember why it's worth sticking out the lows.
I've spent this week battling with my twin about not backing out of his inpatient stay, and it's been stressful as fuck, especially since my dad was trying to book flights to make sure he was around for the family session. Luckily my sister was willing to look into one of the other programs I researched over the summer but they don't allow participants to start their out patient program without going through detox first. I somehow was able to convince him that even though he's scared, he deserves this, he deserves a week to only have to worry about his recovery and nothing else. I was able to go through the insurance verification process for him last night since I know all of his info, including his SSN... it will probably irk me until the day I die that he was assigned his number first even though I was born first, but it's definitely come in handy lately that I know it. I cried hard after I got off the phone with them, I don't think I've been fully aware how much of a burden all of this has been on my mental health.
I'm glad it's Friday and hopefully my fun plans with my twin tonight and my sister tomorrow will keep me from wallowing and focusing too deeply on the fact that it's been a year now since I've touched the man I thought was the love of my life. Today marks a year since the last chance I had to hug him and didn't fucking do it... we had met up for lunch and he had to run off and I just sat there eating my food. I think about that more than I would like... I wish I had gotten up, but how could I have known that weekend would result in a conversation that would mean the end yet again.
I looked into the feasibility of buying that house I keep dreaming of this summer and my student loans are just a tad too fucking much so at the moment I'm debating about temporarily moving to Maryland. Work is in the midst of starting up an office down there, I work on the main project, I'm down there more and more lately, and I have an option to live for free in my dad's townhouse and pay down some of these loans and save more money. With my twin starting a real program, he should be more stable by the time my lease is up...It might be nice to get away from all the things that remind me of what was and what could have been.
I've spent this week battling with my twin about not backing out of his inpatient stay, and it's been stressful as fuck, especially since my dad was trying to book flights to make sure he was around for the family session. Luckily my sister was willing to look into one of the other programs I researched over the summer but they don't allow participants to start their out patient program without going through detox first. I somehow was able to convince him that even though he's scared, he deserves this, he deserves a week to only have to worry about his recovery and nothing else. I was able to go through the insurance verification process for him last night since I know all of his info, including his SSN... it will probably irk me until the day I die that he was assigned his number first even though I was born first, but it's definitely come in handy lately that I know it. I cried hard after I got off the phone with them, I don't think I've been fully aware how much of a burden all of this has been on my mental health.
I'm glad it's Friday and hopefully my fun plans with my twin tonight and my sister tomorrow will keep me from wallowing and focusing too deeply on the fact that it's been a year now since I've touched the man I thought was the love of my life. Today marks a year since the last chance I had to hug him and didn't fucking do it... we had met up for lunch and he had to run off and I just sat there eating my food. I think about that more than I would like... I wish I had gotten up, but how could I have known that weekend would result in a conversation that would mean the end yet again.
I looked into the feasibility of buying that house I keep dreaming of this summer and my student loans are just a tad too fucking much so at the moment I'm debating about temporarily moving to Maryland. Work is in the midst of starting up an office down there, I work on the main project, I'm down there more and more lately, and I have an option to live for free in my dad's townhouse and pay down some of these loans and save more money. With my twin starting a real program, he should be more stable by the time my lease is up...It might be nice to get away from all the things that remind me of what was and what could have been.
Wednesday, February 19, 2020
The Fertile Earth
When the person you believed to be the one you've been searching and waiting for and wanted nothing more than to share your life with them refers to your time together as a "black cloud" it hurts in a way that's hard to explain. And when you respond with bitter sarcasm and they admonish you for taking things personally you feel even smaller than you did before. As you stew in your hurt and embarassment at ever believing it had been something special, you marvel at the fact that somehow you're still holding on to the hope of reconciliation and you wonder how many more tears you will need to cry to smother this god forsaken torch you're still holding for someone who never had the balls to tell you they wanted a relationship, just not with you.
And now as of yesterday, seven months have passed since that interaction and you still cannot wrap your head around the fact that you still haven't fully let go. Perhaps the belief it'll ever come around again has mostly died, but still no luck in letting anyone new in.
I love this poet, and actually have a different poem of his tattooed on my right rib cage. So many metaphors have this similar underlying sentiment to this poem that I'm struggling to succinctly say but these sorts of sayings like how it's darkest before the dawn, or that when things feel heavy and dark that you've been planted, or that caterpillars turn to goo before transforming into butterflies, that the cracks let the light in. I guess just that there's a point to the destruction we endure and that there will be something good on the other side.
My best friend gave me an adorable Valentine's book before I headed home and it's filled with all these personal answers to very sweet questions but the last one is what gets me every time, her wish for me, that at some point all the love I've given out finds its way back to me. A few months ago a pregnant friend said it wasn't how she expected 30 to go, and I said well yea I guess you could be traveling to several countries alone but I'm not sure she took it the way I meant it. Yea for three weeks I was pumped to have my life, but the other 49 I'm pretty sure I'd prefer having a loving husband and a beautiful baby. I would have preferred to have not seen all those wonderful things on my own with no one to reminisce with.
I genuinely do love my life and have very few complaints even though I of course have things that stress me out from time to time, but I genuinely miss having someone to excitedly plan a future with. I'm just going to keep doing my best to make sure future me will be ready for that person when they finally enter my life.
And now as of yesterday, seven months have passed since that interaction and you still cannot wrap your head around the fact that you still haven't fully let go. Perhaps the belief it'll ever come around again has mostly died, but still no luck in letting anyone new in.
My best friend gave me an adorable Valentine's book before I headed home and it's filled with all these personal answers to very sweet questions but the last one is what gets me every time, her wish for me, that at some point all the love I've given out finds its way back to me. A few months ago a pregnant friend said it wasn't how she expected 30 to go, and I said well yea I guess you could be traveling to several countries alone but I'm not sure she took it the way I meant it. Yea for three weeks I was pumped to have my life, but the other 49 I'm pretty sure I'd prefer having a loving husband and a beautiful baby. I would have preferred to have not seen all those wonderful things on my own with no one to reminisce with.
I genuinely do love my life and have very few complaints even though I of course have things that stress me out from time to time, but I genuinely miss having someone to excitedly plan a future with. I'm just going to keep doing my best to make sure future me will be ready for that person when they finally enter my life.
Monday, February 10, 2020
Broken...for now
Lately I feel stuck in a weird ass loop. I shattered my phone while in St. Croix over the holidays but my screen protector kept all the glass in place and it still works, so I haven't bothered to fix it yet. Literally the only noticeable annoyance is that when I try to use the front facing camera the cracks across the lens create a weird reflection occasionally and depending on the lighting. The last time I had a cracked screen like this was in 2014 and I took a long time to fix it then too and honestly I think it had to do with the fact that it felt like an outward representation of how broken I felt inside. It feels so absurd that now 5.5 years later I'm still dealing with the same heartbreak I was then and perhaps my reluctance to fix my phone is again because a piece of me finds comfort in the tangible proof that I am broken.
Recently a random man I messaged on a dating app well over a year ago found his way to my instagram dms expressing that he has been reading my "travel blog" and regretted never replying to me. I laughed at him calling it a travel blog because it sure as shit hasn't been that since I got back from my trip. It is a little unnerving to truly realize a stranger could read these words of mine and learn an awful lot about me and my life and what I'm going through. At the same time it somehow makes me feel less alone. It also was a sincere boost in confidence when he said he enjoyed reading it. A few months ago after drinks with some old co-workers one of the women said after I had told a recent story about my life that she was still waiting for me to write that memoir. The idea of writing a memoir often feels so self-involved and narcissistic, but at the same time immensely therapeutic and possibly a little bit hopeful that it would offer comfort to even just one other person that there's so much more life on the other side of whatever it is you're currently dealing with.
I'm currently in Denver visiting my best friend that moved away this summer and her going away happy hour was the last time I saw the man whose voice I'm starting to forget. I've missed her so much and it has been so nice spending so much time with her but at the same time hard because she has been a part of my life only since this hurt began, and was really there for me when it got really hard after various other implosions. I can't help but associate her with those times in my life, but I know I am quite a mirror for her in that regard as well. At the end of the day though I'm immensely grateful for the friendship and wish she wasn't so far away. I found myself a month ago researching jobs in Denver... I was having the same pull I felt when things imploded the first time about wanting to run away and start over somewhere. I truly did attempt to move back to California on my own terms but in the end decided I couldn't do it just to get away, it had to be more in line with an overall life purpose reason. So instead of leaving I ended up going to grad school, and instead of living in one more city, I stayed right at home in Philly. I have zero regrets about that decision, I know the people I met through that program and the education I received was exactly what I needed and will continue to propel me towards the future I want for myself. I think the reason I even considered the idea of moving to Denver was because currently I'm desperate for relief from the way I've been feeling lately. While I think I would enjoy living out here, it's not home, home for me is where my family is, and that very much includes those I've chosen as my family.
I'm not particularly enjoying how pathetic and weak I've been feeling as of late and there's definitely parts of me that rebuke the sentiment of being broken, but I don't think it should be a shameful thing to admit to yourself or your world as you perceive it that you don't feel like yourself. I have no idea how long I will continue to feel just a little bit off, and how long these intense bouts of sadness and grief over someone who never actually let themselves truly be in my life will assault me with little warning...but I do know that just like everything in this life, what is now is not my forever. I know with conviction this too shall pass and I won't feel so broken and I will be able to love someone deeply again and I will find that elusive feeling of home.
Recently a random man I messaged on a dating app well over a year ago found his way to my instagram dms expressing that he has been reading my "travel blog" and regretted never replying to me. I laughed at him calling it a travel blog because it sure as shit hasn't been that since I got back from my trip. It is a little unnerving to truly realize a stranger could read these words of mine and learn an awful lot about me and my life and what I'm going through. At the same time it somehow makes me feel less alone. It also was a sincere boost in confidence when he said he enjoyed reading it. A few months ago after drinks with some old co-workers one of the women said after I had told a recent story about my life that she was still waiting for me to write that memoir. The idea of writing a memoir often feels so self-involved and narcissistic, but at the same time immensely therapeutic and possibly a little bit hopeful that it would offer comfort to even just one other person that there's so much more life on the other side of whatever it is you're currently dealing with.
I'm currently in Denver visiting my best friend that moved away this summer and her going away happy hour was the last time I saw the man whose voice I'm starting to forget. I've missed her so much and it has been so nice spending so much time with her but at the same time hard because she has been a part of my life only since this hurt began, and was really there for me when it got really hard after various other implosions. I can't help but associate her with those times in my life, but I know I am quite a mirror for her in that regard as well. At the end of the day though I'm immensely grateful for the friendship and wish she wasn't so far away. I found myself a month ago researching jobs in Denver... I was having the same pull I felt when things imploded the first time about wanting to run away and start over somewhere. I truly did attempt to move back to California on my own terms but in the end decided I couldn't do it just to get away, it had to be more in line with an overall life purpose reason. So instead of leaving I ended up going to grad school, and instead of living in one more city, I stayed right at home in Philly. I have zero regrets about that decision, I know the people I met through that program and the education I received was exactly what I needed and will continue to propel me towards the future I want for myself. I think the reason I even considered the idea of moving to Denver was because currently I'm desperate for relief from the way I've been feeling lately. While I think I would enjoy living out here, it's not home, home for me is where my family is, and that very much includes those I've chosen as my family.
I'm not particularly enjoying how pathetic and weak I've been feeling as of late and there's definitely parts of me that rebuke the sentiment of being broken, but I don't think it should be a shameful thing to admit to yourself or your world as you perceive it that you don't feel like yourself. I have no idea how long I will continue to feel just a little bit off, and how long these intense bouts of sadness and grief over someone who never actually let themselves truly be in my life will assault me with little warning...but I do know that just like everything in this life, what is now is not my forever. I know with conviction this too shall pass and I won't feel so broken and I will be able to love someone deeply again and I will find that elusive feeling of home.
Monday, January 27, 2020
Be honest...
I'm technically done for the day, weird to be done this early, but I got in early, needed to for a project, but also getting myself acclimated to a new schedule cuz work has agreed to let me leave early on Tuesdays and Thursdays so that I can attend the live lectures for the prep course I signed up. Not psyched at all to have to study for this 8 hour god forsaken licensing exam yet again, but feeling better about actually having the time to put in that I need to. I truly tried to carve it out this fall, but between a really demanding client, worry for my twin, and my study schedule going completely sideways the last two weeks with my MIA study buddy and then my Aunt dying... It just was so hard to focus at the actual test. I remember sitting there and looking at the questions and knowing I knew how to do them, but not being able to calm myself enough to put my thoughts together and just having flashes to my family and wishing I was with everyone as they prepared for the funeral. I actually cried in the bathroom at one point...
But life happens, I have to figure out how to make sure that this time, no matter what unforeseen shit happens, I still put this first cuz I need to. I can't get to what is next in my career without this. I'm starting to feel the pressure of things with my twin lift, he got word on Friday that his insurance has been re-instated, and I wrote him a check yesterday for his first payment after he finally went to the recovery center with me to talk to an admissions counselor. He seems to be on board with a one week in-patient stay. I actually cried while we were there cuz I'm just so fucking relieved that real professionals are going to be able to help him. I've felt so helpless with this situation for over a year now and it feels so good to feel like we're making progress.
I also feel a bit lighter because yesterday morning I told the guy I've been seeing the last six weeks that I'm not as over something as I thought I was...and then that afternoon I deactivated all my profiles and uninstalled all the dating apps from my phone. There's a few people I was chatting with where it got to the point of exchanging numbers, and maybe 1st dates will still occur, but not because I'll be trying. I think I just need a break from it all and there is no need for the distraction of boys when this test needs to be my priority. Six weeks is not a very long time, but six weeks was all it was the first time with the man I can't forget and so it very much makes me feel like if I know I wouldn't miss this person, well then I'm just leading them on. It was nice having someone to listen to the nothings of my day, but when he came over on Thursday and I made us dinner and we watched Crazy Stupid Love at his suggestion and Steve Carell's character had a speech about soulmates I sure as shit wasn't thinking about the dude next to me...
I have no idea how long I'm gonna be stuck wishing for a different ending than that of strangers. Every logical and rational part of me believes I already should be, but the way my heart still hurts, and the way my heart feels so empty in the presence of others, I just know that I am not past it. I'm not really sure what it is that I can do to help myself move past it other than to just keep doing my best to be honest with where I'm at.
But life happens, I have to figure out how to make sure that this time, no matter what unforeseen shit happens, I still put this first cuz I need to. I can't get to what is next in my career without this. I'm starting to feel the pressure of things with my twin lift, he got word on Friday that his insurance has been re-instated, and I wrote him a check yesterday for his first payment after he finally went to the recovery center with me to talk to an admissions counselor. He seems to be on board with a one week in-patient stay. I actually cried while we were there cuz I'm just so fucking relieved that real professionals are going to be able to help him. I've felt so helpless with this situation for over a year now and it feels so good to feel like we're making progress.
I also feel a bit lighter because yesterday morning I told the guy I've been seeing the last six weeks that I'm not as over something as I thought I was...and then that afternoon I deactivated all my profiles and uninstalled all the dating apps from my phone. There's a few people I was chatting with where it got to the point of exchanging numbers, and maybe 1st dates will still occur, but not because I'll be trying. I think I just need a break from it all and there is no need for the distraction of boys when this test needs to be my priority. Six weeks is not a very long time, but six weeks was all it was the first time with the man I can't forget and so it very much makes me feel like if I know I wouldn't miss this person, well then I'm just leading them on. It was nice having someone to listen to the nothings of my day, but when he came over on Thursday and I made us dinner and we watched Crazy Stupid Love at his suggestion and Steve Carell's character had a speech about soulmates I sure as shit wasn't thinking about the dude next to me...
I have no idea how long I'm gonna be stuck wishing for a different ending than that of strangers. Every logical and rational part of me believes I already should be, but the way my heart still hurts, and the way my heart feels so empty in the presence of others, I just know that I am not past it. I'm not really sure what it is that I can do to help myself move past it other than to just keep doing my best to be honest with where I'm at.
Sunday, January 19, 2020
Strangers
"I don't want to be strangers"
That was the phrase that caused me to open back up to someone that had already broken my heart once before. The next two years would turn into this on again off again mess of confusion and extreme pain. Now, we're very close to truly becoming strangers. Every other time things imploded, it never really felt like it was over, no matter how hard I was trying to convince myself that it was, and that it was also for the best that it was. There was the potential to see him twice in the last two weeks, but it didn't happen and even though I know that it's a good thing, I'm still having to acknowledge my disappointment. I still seem to be quite distressed by the idea of it actually being over. I'm trying so hard to be open and willing to meet other people and to get to know them, but not much is happening for me on the emotional side of things and it's truly making me feel a little bit broken. His birthday is this week and I have found myself day dreaming about how if things were different, if he was mine, that I would have planned to take advantage of a long weekend and go somewhere to celebrate.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so stuck because I'm tired...because the idea of getting to know someone else and their life feels daunting and I'm just eager to already be at that level of understanding and comfort. That I just miss having someone to plan a future with. I think I'm also stuck cuz I'm stubborn and can't accept that I was so fucking wrong about someone. Never before had a person felt like home, it gave me a sureness about wanting to be with him I had never experienced and have yet to experience again. I have ideas about what I'm holding out for, and so many encounters start off so promising, but for whatever reason I still haven't felt any kind of long term potential. Just these situations where I know I could have fun for a few years, that they would treat me well, but it would never be what I ultimately want, so what's the point, and so I bail, and I'm sure that has to be confusing as hell for these men, because there is chemistry and a connection... just not the desire to share my life with them.
I'm hoping this funk I've been in lately is really just related to the increased potential of possibly seeing him and that soon I'll be a little more present in what's going on and not so fucking sad. I heard that song, "If the world was ending" back in mid December and it made me bawl the first time cuz I knew, the only person I'd want to see would be him, but I know I wouldn't be his. I find myself playing it a lot and I just fucking hate this feeling of being stuck and feeling so small, I'm really fucking bored of it. My twin keeps telling me I just haven't met anyone worthy yet, that it's gonna happen and I just need to try my best to be patient. I'm just sick of the amount of mental space my love life is fucking occupying. Maybe it's time to take a break from all of it again and try again in the spring, when it's easier to be more optimistic.
That was the phrase that caused me to open back up to someone that had already broken my heart once before. The next two years would turn into this on again off again mess of confusion and extreme pain. Now, we're very close to truly becoming strangers. Every other time things imploded, it never really felt like it was over, no matter how hard I was trying to convince myself that it was, and that it was also for the best that it was. There was the potential to see him twice in the last two weeks, but it didn't happen and even though I know that it's a good thing, I'm still having to acknowledge my disappointment. I still seem to be quite distressed by the idea of it actually being over. I'm trying so hard to be open and willing to meet other people and to get to know them, but not much is happening for me on the emotional side of things and it's truly making me feel a little bit broken. His birthday is this week and I have found myself day dreaming about how if things were different, if he was mine, that I would have planned to take advantage of a long weekend and go somewhere to celebrate.
Sometimes I wonder if I'm just so stuck because I'm tired...because the idea of getting to know someone else and their life feels daunting and I'm just eager to already be at that level of understanding and comfort. That I just miss having someone to plan a future with. I think I'm also stuck cuz I'm stubborn and can't accept that I was so fucking wrong about someone. Never before had a person felt like home, it gave me a sureness about wanting to be with him I had never experienced and have yet to experience again. I have ideas about what I'm holding out for, and so many encounters start off so promising, but for whatever reason I still haven't felt any kind of long term potential. Just these situations where I know I could have fun for a few years, that they would treat me well, but it would never be what I ultimately want, so what's the point, and so I bail, and I'm sure that has to be confusing as hell for these men, because there is chemistry and a connection... just not the desire to share my life with them.
I'm hoping this funk I've been in lately is really just related to the increased potential of possibly seeing him and that soon I'll be a little more present in what's going on and not so fucking sad. I heard that song, "If the world was ending" back in mid December and it made me bawl the first time cuz I knew, the only person I'd want to see would be him, but I know I wouldn't be his. I find myself playing it a lot and I just fucking hate this feeling of being stuck and feeling so small, I'm really fucking bored of it. My twin keeps telling me I just haven't met anyone worthy yet, that it's gonna happen and I just need to try my best to be patient. I'm just sick of the amount of mental space my love life is fucking occupying. Maybe it's time to take a break from all of it again and try again in the spring, when it's easier to be more optimistic.
Wednesday, January 1, 2020
Unwavering
First day of not just a new year but a brand spanking new decade and I'm sitting on a bed in a room I've never been in before today. I have found myself volunteering to chill at the house of my technically ex-step-Zayda's girlfriend's son's house as like a mostly hands off babysitter while the son and his family are away on vacation. It doesn't really seem like it's particularly important I be here, but just more of a fail safe and allowing my step mother (technically ex... her and my father split when I was in college) and her sister to relax a bit since my Zayda has Alzheimer's. This blended family of mine can certainly be such a bear to explain to people...it's always interesting to see how some of the men I've been going out on dates with react to the convolutedness of it all. It's definitely why for me, the holidays are mostly stressful and I don't ever really look forward to them. It's a lot of running around and driving to try and manage to see all the different camps. I still have two family get-togethers this coming Saturday that I'll have to leave one early and get to the other one late. Seriously in need of some alone time and vegging the fuck out and I'm not sure I'm going to have the opportunity for that any time soon. If I really feel burned out before I have that chance I might take some PTO, I'm really not trying to start things off ignoring my body's signals.
I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying a house of my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process. I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously. And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear. So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.
I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality. Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.
I'm pretty excited for this decade and honestly have no real agenda for where I hope to be by the end of it. I definitely have goals and ideas but it truly feels like life could go in a number of different directions at this point. Getting married again and starting a family is certainly a potential, but no longer one I have strong feelings about needing to happen. I've been thinking a lot about adoption lately and orphans in general and have this idea bouncing around in this head of mine about starting a group home at some point. I'm also currently obsessed with the idea of buying a house of my own with the intent of my twin living with me and really making it a home and safe space for both of us. To live with someone who loves me and does have my best interests at heart. That maybe if we both could learn what it feels like to have that support we will stop engaging in relationships that are not healthy for us. I also love the idea of having at least one extra room for guests and space for him to do his art and maybe even having an additional room where maybe we foster kids who have no where else to go and I can start to learn more about that world and that process. I want to own something because I want the security of knowing I'm gonna be there for a good long while and then can allow myself to get invested and involved in my local community and possibly running for office. Lately I keep having thoughts about wanting to a write a memoir and using my journals as the structure for it. I recently wrote a short story to help process some of my heart ache and it was definitely something I enjoyed, so maybe I should take that thought a little more seriously. And as always, so many plans and ideas for future adventure trips, vacations, and concerts. I am so pumped for all the places I will see and all the amazing food I will eat and the beautiful music I will hear. So many options and so many paths I really can't wait to see where I land.
I can't remember the last time I felt this excited and hopeful and optimistic. I'm smiling as I type this and I sincerely hope I can manage to hold on to this feeling. Even though I know there will be times across this next decade where it will be so hard to find that silver lining, I have a strange sense of knowing that I'll always manage to bring myself back to this place of hopefulness. While perhaps this trait has caused me to potentially be delusional about certain situations, my unwavering optimism about the potential that life has to offer may be my favorite quality. Cheers to 2020 and all of what lays ahead.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)